Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Matt-Man and His Amazing Powder Blue Dreampants

It’s going to be a bee-yoo-tee-ful Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio. Sunny with a high near 60.

The good weather should help because it’s going to be a long day. I work 11-7 at the Beer Mine and then go over to my kid’s house in order to help him study for a couple of tests.

Today’s Church Disservice is based upon Genesis 37:3...

“Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children, because he was the son of his old age: and he made him a coat of many colors.”

I had a similar event happen to me while I was in the hospital. At one point during my first day there, I was transported from the ER down to Radiology in order to have an ultrasound done.

Upon my arrival, “Shelly”, the ultrasound technician, asked me to take my pants off. As a guy who enjoys hearing that, I quickly and happily obliged.

She checked everything out. My legs which as I told you a few days ago, she said were really nice looking.

She checked my organs out and at one point asked, “When did you have your gall bladder taken out, Matt?” I said, “I never had my gal---”

She interjected, “Ha. Just kidding; there it is.” We cut up for a few more minutes and then we were done.

After she completed some paperwork, she asked if I wanted to put my pants back on…a pair of jeans that I had been wearing for hours and had been collecting the smell of hospital funk.

I said, “Eh…I’m sure I’ll be getting prodded more over the next few hours and their a pain to get on and off, so I may as well leave them off.”

It was a bit cold in the Radiology area so Shelly said, “Hey, why don’t I give you a pair of my pants?”

And with that my friends, a 70’s guitar riff that one would hear embedded in a porn soundtrack filled my head and I envisioned her stripping down. Alas…it was not to be.

Shelly did, however, go into the next room and came back carrying a fresh pair of hospital scrub pants, and smiling, said, “Here, I’ll give you these, Matt. You can keep them.”

It was then, that the words of Genesis 37:3 came to mind albeit in slightly different form…

“Now Shelly loved Matt-Man more than all her patients, because he had great legs: and she gave unto him pants of a powder blue color.”


I appreciate the charity of Shelly, and each time I wear these special pants I will think of her and her kindness.

Amen, and Amen.

Cheers!!

A Day of Football and Nicotine

Happy Saturday!!

I'm off to see Ryno for a few and then will be back to the digs to watch the Ohio State Buckeyes take on the Michigan Wolverines in Ann Arbor at Noon today.

This is exactly the type of football game that I enjoy watching because I don't care who wins and if they end up carting 15 players off the field from either and/or both sides, I just say, "Eh, what a fucking shame."

Other than my back hurting, my lung sounds clear and I feel pretty good today. So good in fact, that when I woke up this morning, I took a picture of one of the first things I did this morning...

Tar and Nicotine never tasted so damn good!! I'll add some beer and Rose to the mix later, and baby, we'll be partyin'!!

Have a wonderful Saturday all.

Cheers!!

Ohio State Buckeyes vs. Michigan Wolverines: A Case Study in Stupid

If you are merely a casual College Football fan, or if you are one who resides in either Ohio or Michigan, you know what tomorrow is.

Tomorrow is the annual Ohio State Buckeyes/Michigan Wolverines football game.

Although I am a lifelong denizen of the Buckeye State, I unlike most Ohioans, really don’t give a crap who wins. I am one of the minority in these two states that loathes both teams.

Why, you ask? Well, let me ‘splain…

I’m not a fan of the Michigan Wolverine football team because number one…They are a yearly opponent and foe of my beloved yet hapless, Notre Dame Quasi-Fighting Irish.

But, my detest for Michigan runs much deeper than the shallowness of a football rivalry.

You see, from 1835-36 the State of Ohio nearly went to war with the Territory of Michigan in order to see which entity would control a strip of land that contained the City of Toledo.

Both sides assembled and readied militias…the bloodlust for war was waxing, and shots were periodically fired across the Maumee River. Fortunately…

The Federal government stepped in and settled the “war” before any lives were lost. The Territory of Michigan was granted statehood and the mineral rich and beautiful Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Ohio?

Ohio was granted the strip of land that contains the City of Toledo. If you have ever been to Toledo, you know why Ohioans like myself, are to this day, totally pissed off about this ruling and still hate Michigan.

As for my disdain for the Ohio State Buckeyes? One reason, and two words…THEIR FANS.

Ohio State Buckeye football fans as my friend Jay put it the other day, are INSUFFERABLE.

They’re kooks…They’re uber-obnoxious. And…They believe that God put THE Ohio State University on this Earth in order to win the NCAA National Football Championship every fucking year.

Oh Dear God, They…Are…Horrid.

Take for instance this year…OSU fans are up in arms over the fact that the University of Cincinnati is ranked ahead of them in the polls. This fact rocks their world because as we all should know, there is only one college football team in Ohio.

It can be summed up by a quote I read in a Sports Illustrated piece that focused on the two fine QBs at the Univ. of Cincinnati. An OSU fan wrote in response to the article:

“If those two guys were really any good, OSU would have snatched them up out of High School.” Whatever.

Of course this year like every year, every local TV affiliate out of Columbus has the Countdown to Kickoff Clock at the bottom of the screen. All of the news anchors are dressed in Scarlet and Gray and they are donning necklaces made from buckeyes.

And of course every anchor and every OSU fan in Ohio refers to the football team as, “us.” Y’know, like they’re part of the team.

Stop it…Just fucking stop it. Stupid and living vicariously through others is no way to go through life you obnoxious bastards!!

Anyhoo…

As I do every year, I will watch the game tomorrow. I will be rooting for Michigan, because here is how this event goes with me.

Michigan is 5-6 and Ohio State is 9-2. In this game, I always root for the team that will hurt the other in terms of success. If the records were reversed I would root for OSU.

There is an added benefit of seeing OSU losing tomorrow to Michigan.

If the Buckeyes lose, I can turn on the Six O’clock News out of Columbus and I will see every anchor on every station crying their eyes out and screaming, “Oh, The Humanity!! How Could This Happen!?”

If you have never experienced this sight…You are missing one of the funniest things in both football and TV journalism.

I do love it so.

Cheers!!