Watch Out, Stalin Has a Hummer...

Holy crap have I been busy. I spent most of last night and this morning making travel arrangements for my guests. It went much more smoothly than I had anticipated. Joe Stalin and Gina Lollobrigida are flying together under the assumed names of Mr. and Mrs. Paul Reubens. Joe laughingly suggested that they use, Mr. and Mrs. Mohammed Atta. I told you Joe was a funny guy.

I offered to pick them up at the airport, but Joe said that he hadn’t driven a car since 1921, “and by godless I’m gonna drive myself.” So I guess he and Gina are renting a Hummer for the weekend. They could have rented a nice sedan, but then I wouldn’t have been able to use “Gina” and “Hummer” in the same sentence, which of course, conjures up all sorts of carnal images in my mind.

I thought President Bush would take care of his own transportation, but it turns out that I have to pick him up at Port Columbus Airport and he’s flying in tomorrow, a day before the party. I asked him, “What’s up with that?” He said that Dick Cheney was coming out of seclusion for the weekend to host a big Halliburton bash in the Hamptons, and that Pork Chop Boy needed Air Force One and all of the limos to get his buddies to the party. That’s fine I thought, but “Why are you coming a day early?”, I asked. He said, “Well Matt-Man, there’s nothing pressing going on in the world right now, so I thought I’d take a couple of days off.” Just then I heard a loud crash, Bush screaming, “God Damn It”, and then he said, “Gotta go, mi amigo. See ya in C’lumbus.” So tomorrow, 1:45 PM, gate 17, I will be standing there holding a sign that says, “W”.

I called Jesus Christ earlier today to see if I needed to pick him up somewhere, but he told me that he would “just show up”. Easy enough.

So now that the travel has been figured out, I must start thinking about what I am going to serve. Appetizers, drinks, entrée, whew….so much to do!! I was thinking that maybe I would cook things based upon the culture of my guests, but that limits me to steak, spaghetti, unleavened bread, and well, quite frankly, dirt and vodka. I do have a heckuva recipe for SPAM Kabobs, but that would be rude to Jesus. Oh, I guess he could wave a hand and change his plate to lamb or manna or something, but I do not want to turn this party into an episode of “The Letterman Show” which features “Stupid Messiah Tricks.”

I will have to give more thought to the menu, the music, and the entertainment. It won’t be easy, but I think I can have all of the details ready for you sometime tomorrow. Well folks off to the grocery and the liquor store. Enjoy the day, and cheers.

And Now…Our Moment of Hinn

“Look, any amount I make, somebody's going to be mad.”

--Benny Hinn