Erection Eve: Cock the Vote

One day left. The polls open in 22 hours. The candidates have whored themselves out to nearly every single voter. The firefighters have had their hoses stroked. The teachers have gotten their spankings. Every suburban soccer mom has had her breasts fondled. The veterans feel wonderful after getting their foxholes rimmed out. And the religious right, ah yes, the Evangelicals, they have all received their meth supply and a nice “massage”.

In 22 hours, the year long session of political foreplay will move to the next level. Tomorrow, all of this teasing and seduction will culminate into a cataclysmic electoral orgasm. Each voter will spew forth the seed and the eggs that will ultimately result in the birth of our future. Ah yes, I can hear the late, great Marvin Gaye singing in the background. Let’s get it on, baby.

With little time left, each candidate is furiously looking for that one last piece of ass that can put him or her over the top. There have been reports of Senator Rick Santorum prostituting himself on a corner in downtown Philly, while his opponent, Bob Casey, is offering to wear a ball gag and let any voter spank him if he can count on their support.

In the race for Governor in Ohio, Ted Strickland is so far ahead that he was merely taking voters out for dinner and a movie this past weekend. Ken Blackwell, on the other hand, is mired in a double digit deficit to Strickland, and has been reduced to courting the stray cat vote by putting milk on his testicles and lying naked in alleys. Oh, the highs and lows of politics.

The ads have been nasty this year. The messages can be boiled down to a couple of points. If the Democrats get in, a terrorist will kill you, your tax rate will be 96%, a black man will date your lily white daughter, and God will be very angry. If the Republicans keep control, well…um…lessee, um, God will reward you in heaven, yeah that’s it. As you can see, the Matt-Man has no bias whatsoever.

So what have we learned today? We have learned that every politician is a whore and we, the voters, are looking for some hot action. The question is do you prefer blondes or brunettes…Democrats or Republicans? I for one will only have sex with the Democrats, because at least they take you out for dinner and a movie before they screw you.

Thanks again to the Gouda for her most excellent job of sexing up the Bagwine site. I owe you big time my friend. Cheers…

And Now, Our Moment of Campaign Catastrophe…

"God is the one who chooses our rulers."

--Rep. Katherine Harris (R-Fla.) (Ed. Note: That means that God is either a moron, or a freakin’ comedian)