The Tuck-Man Always Rings Twice

Haircare Joe reminded me yesterday of something that transpired during my drunken stupor days at Bowling Green State University. Joe and I were in a fraternity, which every fall would hold a fundraiser. No, we didn’t sell baked goods, magazines, or inedible frozen foods; we sold tuck-ins.

That’s right; people could call our frat house and order a tuck-in for themselves or a friend. The tuck-in would include a bedtime story, a carton of milk, two cookies, and for a little extra, a goodnight kiss. How cute. It smells of 1950’s Middle America. At least that’s how it sounded to me. Maybe my memory is fading, because Haircare remembers it this way:

It was a dreary October evening at BG. No stars shining. No holiday cheer. But yet, gleam was all around. Like studs circling mares in heat, it was time for the annual Tuck-In Days!

Milk and cookies delivered by eager beaver hunting hormone induced boys to the awaiting recipients of girls and boys. (Why I got stuck with the boys is still a sore subject but I took it for the team.) A poem or a bedtime story, recited with passion, sweets, and kisses provided to hot co-eds.

Our fraternity provided services for a fee. Calls were taken and money exchanged hands. In Ohio this was called fun. Anywhere else, this was called prostitution.

Matt-Man would wear his bikini underpants. What a sight!!! Those underpants bulged with pride because, within hours, a gleeful girl would receive a bedtime story, carton of milk, cookie, and a warm wet kiss.

If everything went well, the Matt-Man would continue his exploration of her cavity with his Gene Simmons tongue. If everything went really well, he would show up at our dorm at 6 AM with his pants on backwards. He was a legend….making people laugh, breaking girls’ hearts, and all along contracting only minor STDs. Oh how I miss those Tuck-Ins.

When Joe e-mailed this recollection to me yesterday, my memory was indeed refreshed. Tuck-Ins were an excellent time. I remember one in particular….A lingerie-clad red head who was smoking a cigar…Sweet Hot Katie. After the initial paid Tuck-In, she received many more free of charge.

His e-mail also brought up memories of women who I had been with, that maybe I should have thought twice about. Women who had nicknames such as: The Carp, Tomato Lady, and Playboy Makes Her Hot. So many stories so little time, but I will be sure to cover all of these past “glories” at a later time.

Thanks for the memories Haircare, and make sure to sand your shovel handle.

And Now, Pastor Rod Parsley…

“I just love to talk about money. I just love to talk about your money. Let me be very clear — I want your money. I deserve it. This church deserves it.”

--Pastor Rod, World Harvest Church

Make sure you get your prayer request into him before Monday December 4th!! This man of God is going to broadcast, as he said, “to the four corners of the earth.” Funny, I never figured Pastor Parsley as a “The Earth is Flat” kinda guy. But if he thinks it, It must be the divine truth!!

Cheers…