The Bagwine Greatest Hits Finale -- The Dinner Party Aftermath

Well, it looks like The Gouda's tenure as Matt-Man's holiday replacement is about finished. We are fast approaching 2007, and Matt has had quite a year so far with this humble little blog of his. I mean, to get Bestest Blog of the Day twice! For crying out loud, Morgen -- what's a girl gotta do to get that kinda love??

The fallout from the infamous Dinner Party featuring some some religious and despotic leaders and an Italian goddess was sure to be memorable. Matt-Man describes the whole bash below the only way he knows how: graphically.

I want to wish all of the Bagwine Devotees a very happy new year!


As the pan flute stylings of Zamfir filled the room with joy, the guests began to arrive. Dubya stood next to me dressed in blue jeans and nice white dress shirt. Joe Stalin and Gina Lollobrigida got to the apartment around 5 o’clock. As they entered, George immediately yelled, “Hey Joe, whadda ya know. See there young lady, I’m a poet and didn’t even know it. Hahahahaha”

I stepped in to introduce President Bush to Gina. Dubya said, “Gina Lollo..er Lablo, er…Lubeya…hell, sounds like something out of Austin Powers, I’ll just call you G-Spot.” And as I had feared, Dubya then turned to Stalin and said, “Hey Joe, she’s pretty hot for a dago.” Fortunately Gina had gone over to the appetizer table and didn’t hear it.

I made drinks for everyone. Gina had a vodka martini with two olives, George had Jack and Coke, and Stalin, oddly enough wanted Champagne because as he said, “The bubbles tickle my nose, and it makes me feel pretty.” I of course, was chugging down some Wild Irish Rose. After a couple of rounds, we started wondering where the Messiah was. Stalin had to go to the bathroom to take a leak and when he entered we heard an amazingly loud shriek followed by raucous laughter.

From the bathroom emerged not only a guffawing Joe with piss running down the front of his pants, but Christ Almighty himself, laughing just as enthusiastically. Turns out Jesus had been there all along and was hiding in the bathroom until someone had to go….What a freakin’ prankster the Son of God turned out to be. Who knew?

We spent a couple of hours drinking, chatting, and noshing. I was surprised by the lovely Ms. Lollobrigida. She is a PIG. Holy crap she was going down on those wings like a fluffer on a porno set. Hell, I couldn’t keep the “Cruci-Fixins Bar” stocked fast enough. At one point Dubya said, “Hey G-Spot, you wanna take your feed bag off for a second and save some for the rest of us, capiche?” And the gas!! Wow. She wasn’t anything like I had imagined, of course that didn’t stop me from having drunken sex with her in the shower at three in the morning.

Stalin was getting pretty buzzed on the champers. Evidently he brought some of his own CDs with him, because all of a sudden, the soundtrack to “Fiddler on the Roof” was blasting through the apartment. I turned to Gina and asked her how her trip with Joe went. She said, “just fine.” Then I said, “Did he try to hit on you or anything?” She said, “Of course not, Joe is a queen from way back…Not that there’s anything wrong with that. “Really?”, I asked. She said, “Well of course, Matt. Hell, he’s not playing the soundtrack to “Fiddler on the Roof” because he’s Russian. He’s playing it because he likes show tunes.” To which I replied, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

The drinking and cavorting was going well, too well. I had forgotten about the dinner in the oven. Everything except the slice of fattened calf was caulderized beyond recognition. Jesus, said to me, “Wow, I wasn’t expecting a burnt offering.” “Very funny” I said, “but your food is still okay, would you like it now Jesus.” He said, “No, I’ll take it home later, to eat it now would be nothing more than a buzz kill.” Everyone agreed with him and said, “No worries, Matt-Man.”

The drinks continued to flow and the action was getting hot. Jesus was dancing with Gina. Dubya and Joe were discussing which one of them was more hated, and I was busy keeping their glasses full. GW decided he would DJ for awhile and thought it would be hilarious if he played “Sympathy for the Devil”. JC just shook his head, chuckled, and said, “Turn it up, George.” Bush responded by saying, “Don’t get CROSS with me, Hay-Zoos.”

This is about the time that things started turning ugly. Shortly after being told that I didn’t have the soundtrack to “South Pacific”, Stalin stripped down to his pantyhose, and ran through the hallway of the apartment screaming, “Divide and Rule….Divide and Rule!!” George asked Jesus, “Hey, Hay-Zoos, you gonna NAIL, G-Spot?” And continued, “Hey Christ-Boy, when you get mad, do you say Dad Dammit?” That’s when GW ripped his dress shirt off, revealing a T-Shirt that said, “Free Moustache Rides.”

I had to use the bathroom and that’s when I found Gina hurling a colorful, yet ungodly smelling green discharge from her mouth. None of which found its way into the toilet of course. I helped get her cleaned up and went back to the living room.

Jesus had Dubya in a head lock and was pounding the living crap out of him. I asked JC why he was pulverizing Dubya’s head. He said, “President Nitwit just asked me how it felt to only come twice in my life.” I broke the two up and just then there was a knock at the door. I opened the door and saw three men in suits and sunglasses staring back at me. The one in the middle gently pushed me to the side, entered the apartment, picked the President up off of the floor and took him away. The other two asked me if I had any videotapes or pictures of the event. I said, “no”. The lights went off for about ten seconds and when they came back on, the men were gone.

Jesus collected his things and piece of meat, and thanked me for the hospitality. He said “take care, my son”, and then vanished into the pre-dawn light. I went into the bathroom and found Gina lying in the shower. So, I turned it on and we had hot, kinky shower sex for about forty-five minutes. She was even awake for about six minutes of it. At about 10 AM she woke up, got dressed, kissed me on the cheek, and told me to call her.

If you’re wondering what happened to Joe, I have a pretty good idea. I turned on the news after Gina left and there was a report that an elderly man in pantyhose had broken into the Family Video store and fled with DVDs of “The King and I” and “Guys and Dolls”. He was currently in custody and the police were waiting for a Russian interpreter.

I went to take a shower. When I came back out there was message on my machine. I played and it said, “Holy Moly Matt-Man, that was one helluva party. Next time we’ll trash Camp David. Adios mi amigo.”

What a party indeed. I went into the kitchen to start cleaning up and found a note on kitchen faucet. It read, “Matt, enjoy your new sink fixture, JC.” I turned it on and sure enough, the Rose was flowing. Praise be to God.

And Now Our Moment of Hinn…

“Голодное брюхо ко всему глухо.”

--Josef Stalin