Hungry Tiger, Laughing Dragon!!

Those darn Chinese are clever. They have managed to poison our cats and dogs, sell us unsafe tires, send us lethal toothpaste, and poison our children with toys filled with enough lead to fill a sixty mile long Number Two pencil. Yeah, I know pencil leads are made of graphite but you get my point.

However, this is merely the tip of the iceberg my friends.

The staff at Bagwine Ruminations has uncovered other Chinese products that are every bit as dangerous as the aforementioned products.

For instance, we found that there is a Chinese knock off of Preparation H floating around this great nation. We discovered that this hemorrhoid relief cream is tainted with elements of “Uncle Scratchy’s Hilarious Itching Powder”. Sure, it will reduce your ‘roids, but that is because that upon application, people scratch their growths so furiously that the hemorrhoids turn to the consistency akin to a plate full of stewed tomatoes. Beware, and Ewww.

I have first hand knowledge of an unfortunate product reversal. This past Fourth of July, I bought some Chinese made Roman Candles. I lit them and the only thing I could do with them was light my cigarette…no flaming, colorful ball action happening. However, the other day I used a Chinese made Bic Lighter to light my smoke, and my face was accosted by flaming fire balls of a myriad of colors. My nose is disfigured, my lips are still melting, and I am still seeing red, blue, and green spots in my eyes!!

Ladies Beware!! There is a Chinese made Home Pregnancy Test on the market. No matter what, the test will always come out negative. There have been several reports of women after finding that they are “not pregnant” even though they are, drown their sorrows and their burgeoning fetus in a fifth of vodka and Paxil. Those damn Chinks don’t want ANYONE to procreate.

Finally along the lines of another toy type thing…Do Not, and I repeat Do Not buy the “Happy Super Safari Coloring Book” for your kid. This coloring book produced in Shanghai is fraught with problematic implications.

There have been seventeen reports that upon completion of a child coloring the leaping Bengal Tiger on page seven, the tiger comes to life mauling the child and summarily eating him or her. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Well folks, I hope my Public Service Announcement will help to keep you and your family safe. I must clean up and get ready for the arrival of a Bagwine friend from the Great Northwest. Until we meet again, Cheers!!

P.S. Effin' Blogger...