It is a cold Sunday here in Bagwine, Ohio. The temp is zero and the wind chill is currently 18 below. However, the sun is going to shine today, so I may drive downtown and put my wet tongue onto the frozen city plaza flagpole.
It should be a slow news day so that should get me some free campaign publicity.
The press will come over and ask why I am doing this. With the glorious January sunshine bathing both myself and our nation’s flag in rays of hope, I shall respond…
“This demonstrates that I, as President, will stick to the issues of bringing this country together and moving us forward.”
Of course my statement may sound more like: “Tha dimmasates tha I, ah Plezuhden, will sti tuh tha ih-hoo of binging thi cunree ooo-ever an oovin uh forrer.”
I guess I should probably have a written statement prepared.
Romney (convincingly) and Clinton (sorta) won in Nevada last night. McCain scored a narrow victory over Mike Huckabee in South Carolina.
See what happens when I withdraw my support for the Huckster? Damn Straight. California Congressman Duncan Hunter has dropped out of the race. Yeah, I was shocked too.
With the political round-up out of the way, let us bow our heads and begin our Church Disservice…
Father, we pray for the soul of ubiquitous character actor Allan Melvin aka “Sam the Butcher” of Brady Bunch fame, who passed away yesterday at the age of 84.
Let Mr. Melvin know that we truly love him, and unlike that self-centered tramp of a housekeeper Alice, our love is real and not a selfish ruse to use him merely for his meat.
Lord, we beseech thee, and hope that you will intervene in the political process. We pray that you will make permanently silent any candidate who once more utters the word “change”.
Also, if a candidate invokes the name of Ronald Reagan again, and says that they are just like him, make it so, and put them six feet under next to the Gipper.
Lastly O’ Holy Poobah, my son is out of school tomorrow for MLK Day. I will be spending the day with him. Please grant me the concentration and nimbleness of fingers to make a respectable showing when we play Guitar Hero III.
For all of our humble petitions…Lord Hear Our Prayer.
Amen, and Amen.
Enjoy your Sunday folks. Stay warm and may your gridiron team of choice win today.
If you get bored with football or it becomes clear that you aren't gonna get laid tonight, stop by Turnbaby’s BlogTalk Radio Show tonight at 8 EST. I’ll be stopping by to pimp my Presidential candidacy. For details, click HERE.
Cheers!!
49 comments:
God bless all pole lickers
(and not just the lickers of frozen city plaza poles but all lickers of all manner of poles everywhere)
AMEN
Next time I'm marrying for meat instead of money!
Cathy: Well said my sister, may the Lord blees your devotion to pole licking. Cheers!!
Dana: Not a bad idea...A spouse who has tons of cash or one who has access to an unlimited supply of sausage and bacon?
Screw the money baby, bring me the pig. Cheers!!
Contrary to popular belief, I married my husband for his meat and not his money. Oh wait...he's not a butcher...
Sorry. Did I just say that out loud?
Songbird: Yes you did, you Bratwurst Whore. Cheers!!
LMAO @ Dana.
We'll all miss the meat man!
Real: Do you think that I was missing the point as to what she meant by "meat"? I have to plead ignorance. Cheers!!
YAY! Hillary won! :)
And as far as watching the Giants and Green Bay - I hate football, however, I am willing to watch these burly men freeze their balls off. That's entertainment!
Gotta feel for those poor guys though!
Anyway - enjoy your bitterly cold Sunday...bundle up!
Cheers my man!
I like sister Cathy God bless her & you 2 brother Matt! May you be in heaven 5 minutes before the devil knows your there!
Poor Sam. I'll miss his meat.
Have fun with Ryno tomorrow!
Deb: Now I know why I have always found you to be quite emasculating. I'll be sure to stay indoors today and pump some antufreeze into my body. Cheers!!
Roger: Why thanks, and I'll see you there...If we're lucky. Cheers!!
Metalmom: He had the best pork butt in the world. Ryno and I will have a great time. Cheers!!
The GOP candicy is starting to look a lot like a game of "eeny-meeny-minny-mo".
Hey Matt-Man... How about you give us some video of you doing that guitar hero thingy? and can you play Clapton style... you know with that Marlboro attached to the end of you guitar?
Jeff: Or perhaps more accurately, "eeny-Larry-Curly-and Mo" Cha-Cha. Cheers!!
Doc: I would, but I don't smoke inside around the little man.
Not only that, it takes all the concentration of my advanced years to play the damn thing. Smoke in my eyes would just add to my GH incompetence. Cheers Doc!!
I'm glad I'm not the only one who recognizes what a terrible slut Alice was. So many people were taken in by here. Especially the Brady's! Of course, Mike Brady has bad judgment when it came to a lot of people.
Big prediction time....
John McCain didn't just win a primary last night, he won the Presidency.
How's that for going out on a limb?
Jay: I have it on reliable info that Alice would engage in three ways with Jan and Marcia. And I don't even want to mention what her and Tiger did when the Brady's were away. Let's just say, Puppy Love could be a chapter in her autobiography.
History does favor the winner of the Republican Primary of SC going on to capture the nomination. We shall see how sturdy your limb is. Ewwww that sounded sexual.
Cheers!!
Preach On Brother Matt on the Gipper comment. What the fuck was Obama thinking?!
And good luck with Guitar Hero. If it makes ya feel better my daughter OWNS her dad. Slash mocks him constantly.
Starr: Thanks. What was B.O. thinking? He wasn't.
I have played it once with Ryno and actually did pretty well on Rock You Like A Hurricane by the Scorpions. I still have yet to beat him though.
Tell Slash Kidlet to Rock On. Cheers Starr!!
How many of my hard earned rubles would it cost me in campaign contributions to purchase the talents of one whip wielding jack-booted Fascist for one evening?
The wife has a Ladies Auxiliary church meeting this afternoon and I'm looking for a little entertainment.
Mind you, this would have to be a purely anonymous contribution.
Dirkstar: Thanks for stopping by. You can make an anonymous contribution to my 527 group operatives known as Swift Boat Sadists for Matt-Man.
Tell them I sent you, and Ingrid and Chloe will show up at your door Friday with vengeance in their souls and whips in their hands. Cheers!!
I've set up a campaign headquarters for you here in TN. I think I may be able to get you a few votes... ;-)
SMOOCHES~
Dixie: Why thanks. I mean if those folks like Moonshine, they'll like the appeal of Bagwine. Cheers!!
Jay - No way a Republican wins this year.
Look at the voter turnout so far.
Look at how many are voting as Democrats in the primaries versus those voting as Republicans.
It is going to be a massacre...
Matt Man Pray for me. While reading your tongue on the flagpole statement I was thinking "It will sound like ..." only to read what it would sound like in the next paragraph.
It I am starting to channel the Matt Man, it is obvious damnation is at hand.
Guitar Hero? Can I come over and play?
Dirkstar: I agree with what you said to Jay you on the surface, but so many things can happen between now and November.
Jamie: Ha. Now that's funny. I will indeed pray that you are delivered from my aura. Cheers!!
108: I don't want bad influences areound my kid. I save those for myself. Cheers!!
Dammit! Now this tramp will have to find her meat fix elsewhere... Got any ideas???
Man I thought fersure Thompson would have taken SC..
Cheesy: Alice is going meatless just in time for Lent.
As far as Fred Thompson, his campaign is actually a remake of "Dead Man Walking". Cheers!!
Oh I get it - the suit is because you're running for President. You got my vote! Go Giants! :)
Is it bad when some of these guys announce that they are dropping out of the presidential race, and I didn't even know who they were or that they were running?
Teach: Yesh...Go Pack!! Cheers...
Travis: I can't believe you haven't heard of Duncan Hunter. He has accomplished such things as...um...he has accom...yeah, it is sad. Cheers!!
So you are saying that without anyone "triple dog daring" you, that you would stick your tongue to flagpole as a campaign ploy???
Elect this man, he is not above self humiliation of the intential kind.
I now bow my head in a moment of silent grief for Sam the Butcher.
And giggle about the fact we know you won't beat son at Guitar Hero.
Amen,
Mama Bear
Penelope: I am not above self-humiliation or self-mutilation in order to garner a vote.
Peace be with Sam, and tomorrow my son is going down in Guitar Hero at the hands of the Matt-Man. Cheers!!
LOL, you crack me up. (And not because I was already frozen solid--that would be too easy.)
Good luck being cool in front of the boy tomorrow!
Kila: Thanks. It's butt ass cold here today too.
I'll try; he actually thinks I'm kinda funny. No small compliment coming from a 13 year old "man" who "knows it all". Go Pack, and Cheers!!
Poor Alice, no more meat for her!
Enjoy your wknd Matt and GO PACKERS!!!
You pray very nicely Matt-Man. Appears you've had some practice? Have a great rest of the weekend. :)
I'm looking for a story to crack. CBS won't hire my pencil skirt.
I'm so bummed. Would you like me to cover your campaign?
You lick poles?? Oh Lord.
Oh Lord, we humbly pray.....
Sandee: I have learned how to pray through necessity. Nary a day goes by that I don't need it. Cheers!!
Mimi: Well that's just not fair. Cover my campaign AND me. I'll talk to Sumner Redstone and make sure that CBS gives the break that you and your pencil skirt so richly deserve...Cheers!!
I like me some tube steak smothered in shorts!
I'm in Ohio too and must say I have frozen my totties off today.Been colder than a church lady in a dildo factory out there.Brrrrrrr!
Amen Borthers and Sisters!
Preposterous: It is a bit chilly is't it? Bring the brass monkeys in tonight and enjoy your tube steak. Thanks for stopping and Cheers!!
So, who triple dog dared you to stick your tongue to that pole, Matt?!
CrAzY: The political process, that's who. Cheers Tish!!
Oh, no!
Not Sam the Butcher!
Poor Sam.
I was going to vote for him, too...
JAnna: It's tragic. His prices on pork chops were unbeatable. Cheers!!
Alex and I spent our cold Sunday bundling, watching football, and taking catnaps.
Nick: We did the same thing 'round here Nick. Cheers!!
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