Excuse Me, But Your Suggestion Sucks...

I am easily amused by the simplest things.

Yes, you’re probably saying, “That’s obvious through your writing, Matt-Man.”

However, in spite of your hurtful invectives, allow me to relate to you something that amuses me nearly everyday.

I make it a habit to read the serving size and servings per can, package, bag, etc., of food items.

Why? Because I want to know who in the hell is determining the amount of said foods that constitutes a “proper” serving.

I talked the other day about Schmoop buying a box of Cap’n Crunch cereal. The serving amount on the box is listed as ¾ of a cup. WTF?

Do you know what that paltry amount looks like in a bowl? It looks like this…

Wow, what a breakfast buffet that is!! It gets worse. Let’s see what that amount of the Cap’n looks like when we add milk, which has a recommended serving size of 8 ounces…

Someone throw in a life preserver, the Cap’n is drowning!!

Okay breakfast is done let’s have lunch. Nothing like having an All-American lunch comprised of beefy, hearty Ball Park Franks…

We all know that those dogs plump when you cook ‘em, and it’s a good thing because, the serving amount listed on the package is ONE Dawg!! ONE, Folks!!

A whopping 2.9 ounces of cow entrails and preservatives. That is unacceptable, and more importantly, Un-American!!

Would you prefer a nice smoked sausage instead of a hot dog? Well, let’s cook this package up. It contains two John Holmes sized links and weighs in at 12 ounces.

Don’t be too greedy, because the package claims that it contains SIX servings…2 full ounces of pig per hungry mouth.

Hell, if you’re hungry, screw the 2 ounces of sausage. I’ll drop my drawers and give ya a full half pound…okay maybe a quarter pound of smokin' hot sausage, but you get my drift.

Are you, like me, a lover of soup? Well, let’s heat up some condensed Campbell’s classics.

Soup would be good right now because it’s a chilly day here in Bagwine. However, you’re not going to get very warm eating this, because even after adding water, one can contains 2.5 servings.

So Mom, you get about 7.5 ounces. Dad you get the same. Your toddler gets about 3.5 ounces. Holy Crap, you’d be better off getting in the chow line with Oliver Twist!!

Please sir, can I have some more?

You could always add some heft to your soup by adding these to your bowl...

But at five crackers per serving, don't expect much gastronimical satisfaction. Instead, expect nothing but tears...Tiny, tiny tears.

Of course, after your less than satisfying meal of soup, you can always pull out that good ol' stand-by snack...Olives.

Yep, I placed exactly three olives on top of the jar because that is the serving size suggestion on the label.

At 8 calories apiece, you'll burn more calories opening the fridge door, the jar, and then digesting the frickin' olives, than you would if you just walked away empty and sad.

But, I know that there is one thing upon which I count...Those fine folks who are makin' the bacon.

Mmmmmm. Bacon. It's bad for you and yet, oh soooooo damn good. I could eat the entire 20 strips, one pound of bacon in one sitting with no problem.

However, I guess if I follow the serving suggestion on the package, I have to invite nine friends to join me because the makers say that a serving consists of two strips.

Who the hell eats only two strips of bacon? I'll tell ya who...Freaks!!

See what I mean? Who the hell came up with two strips of bacon? Some Jew or Muslim trying to wean us God-Fearing Swine Eaters from the greasy goodness of the heavenly strips of hog fat?

Who came up with the five cracker serving? An Eritrean dietician? The three olives? Was that the brain-child of a lazy Greco-Italian fruit picker?

Serving suggesters, I rebuke you!! In the name of all that is holy and gastronimically pleasing, I call on GAWD to cast you into an eternal pit of flames and stomach grumbling.

Ahhhhhh. I feel better.

Now if you'll excuse me, I am off to eat a full can of SPAM, six eggs, and an entire block of Velveeta. Take that, you servin' suggestin' bastards, you!!

Cheers!!