Friday, October 09, 2009

A Blast From The Past

On the feet of yesterday's uber-sweet post, my emotions and bodily fluids were spent.

And, between being off, getting really wasted, and not having sex yesterday, I was spent as well.

So, I am re-printing this post from 2007...Enjoy.

Oh hell yeah, it’s Friday again. Shortly the Rose will be flowin’, I’ll be glowin’, and my buzz will be growin’. I will even be having sex all weekend because I have changed the rules.

You see, sex is just a word, and I have changed the definition. I mean why can’t I? Who gave just one person the right to call full contact naked mutual stimulation, “sex”.

Who gave the guy who called sex what it is, the right to do so?

And yes ladies, it was a guy who named it that. If a woman had named it, it would be called something else, like passion play, rolling in rose petals, or god forbid, making love.

Of course, had it been Rachel Ray who named the action, she would have called it, “Making a Thirty Minute Meal.”

I have decided to redefine the action of “have, had, or having sex” as “eat, ate, or eating a meal”. The advantages are endless.

When someone asks me, “How many days a week do you have sex?”, I could respond by saying, “everyday.” Just think of how studly I would appear. I could do interviews.

Joe: How many times a day do you have sex Matt-Man?

Matt-Man: Twice a day during the week and three times a day during the weekend.

Joe: Holy Crap!! Don’t you get tired?

Matt-Man: Nope, it actually gives me more energy.

Joe: Wow…Have you ever had sex in public?

Matt-Man: Oh sure...Wedding receptions, wakes, football games, and even next to the hot dog vendor cart downtown.

Joe: Incredible. I wish I had your nerve. Hell, I panicked when my girlfriend tried to get me to do it in a restaurant one time…Just couldn’t do it. YOU da Man.

Matt-Man: Oh damn Joe, you gotta have sex in a restaurant. I have great experiences with having sex in restaurants, especially if the prices are reasonable.

Joe: Um…prices?...okay. Have you had sex with a lot of different partners?

Matt-Man: Who hasn’t? I’ve had sex with many different women, men; sometimes I even have sex with my cat, because she won’t stop begging me. I really miss the times I had sex with Mom and Dad. And it was even better when the whole family came.

Joe: Good God, man, you’re a freak, if not a criminal.

Matt-Man: Well, then put me in prison. I’ll have sex there everyday, as well.

Yes my definition change will make me the toast of the town. Now, does anyone want to meet for lunch at Pizza Hut and have sex with me?

On a far more ugly note...A disturbing thought just popped into my mind as I was re-reading this, the thought of Rachel Ray having sex.

Would she turn to her cheating husband and say, “Hey, you want to go to bed and fill my garbage bowl?”

If things were a little tight would she ask her man, “Damn honey, could you put a little EVOO on it?”

Of course, she’d be giggling the whole time…..Ewwwwwwww.

And it’s not just her, all of the cooking celebs would be icky. Look at Emeril. I can hear him trying to be be smooth by saying...

“Hey baby, in the mood for a little essence of Emeril?”

And the whole time he was banging a chick, he would be bellowing out, “BAM, BAM, BAM”. Freaky.

Giada DeLaurentis may be cute, but for some reason I can hear her saying, “Trust me honey, that’s just parmigiano reggiano down there.”

Why do I do this to myself, gross!! I guess I do it because I’m going to hell, and as they say, you’re all going with me.

Well folks enjoy the weekend, spend it with someone you love, and when you sit down to dinner, have great sex.



Desert Rat said...

Since you're kind of cheating with you post, I'm gonna cheat with my comment by referring to you post from the 7th and Ryno's interest in CSU.

I didn't attend a "name dropping" college as an undergrad, and in fact every time I do tell someone I went to Chico, they always ask, "Isn't that where the prison is?" I find that rather funny - the prison is actually in Chino.

I think he should go where he'll get the best education and learn how to LEARN for the rest of his life.


Mrs. D said...

Lol, well that makes up for being sappy.

People in the Sun said...

See, that's obviously a pre-corn-porn post.

Micky-T said...

That picture is kinda freaking me out, it looks WAY to much like you.

Scott Oglesby said...

I know it’s an overused phrase but I actually did throw up in my mouth when I read “pamigiano reggiano down there” Shit I did it again, but a little came out this time.

I see the advantages to this vocabulary switch; I’m now a member of the mile high club, I’ve had sex with a politician, a model, many executives, and an actor. I’ve had sex on the run, and first thing in the morning. I’ve never been too drunk to have sex……oh wait, no I’ve still been to drunk to have sex, even with the change in vocab. Still, I love it. Funny shit!!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Kinda Cheated? I cheated in major fashion. I was too blottoed to write something new. And I hear ya on the big name school, and hey, CSU is a fine school. Like I said, he'll change his mind 2o times bewtteen now and then so who knows. Cheers Rat!!

Mrs. D: Ha. I like to keep things in balance. I like to be the Yin and Yang of the blogosphere. Cheers D!!

PITS: Ha. If they stroked those ears any faster that corn would be poppin'. Cheers PITS!!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Don't we make an adorable couple? Cheers Mick!!

Scott: Sorry about the puke there buddy. By god, I guess your sexual prowess is nearly unequaled in that sense. You are amazing. Cheers Scott!!

Marilyn said...

I think I'll go have breakfast... and by have breakfast, I mean eat two eggs and a couple of pieces of toast.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...Is that the same Rachel Ray from Hugeass, NY?....

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Ha. I hope it's dry toast. That would match your unsurpassed dry wit. Cheers Marilyn!!

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Why yes...yes it is. Cheers P-Man!!

David said...

I'm pleased to see that you put your day off to good use by getting totally blotto'ed.

Cheers Matt-Man

Dianne said...

you just gave me one more reason to never watch the Food Network

Matt-Man said...

David: Well listen to me now Mister...I took Ryno to school and picked him up as well. I took Schmoop to the Drive Thru to get more beer. I then took her to Taco Bell to get us some drunk food. I worked my butt of buddy...

I was entitled to some down time. Cheers David!!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ha...But on a related note...Can I put cream cheese all over your body and then lick it off? Cheers Di!!

Starrlight said...

No smack talk about my Giada!!

You like like John Malkovich in that pic :P

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Ha. It's funny you say that. There's a guy who comes through the Beer Mine who calls me John Malkovich. Cheers Starr!!

katherine. said...

I had no idea Rat went to Chico....use to be the biggest party school in the state....

Matt-Man said...

Kat: And then Rat left. Cheers Kat!!