Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Sexy Russian Spy Anna Chapman Gots Nothin' on the Matt-Man: Part два

As I told you yesterday, from 1968 until 1989, much like Anna Chapman, I was a Russian spy.

I surreptitiously entered the States at the age of three, and without their knowledge, became the youngest of nine to an All-American family.

Though far from Mother Russia, my training from KGB agent, “Squalor” continued via a super hi-tech Etch-a-Sketch that “magically” appeared under the tree with my name on it, Christmas morning 1968.

As I continued to receive instructions through my Etch-a-Sketch, I became more convincing as an American child, however...


There were those who thought I was, "not quite right”.

Here’s an example…

In 1972, I was in second grade and the world was fixated on the Olympic Summer Games being held in Munich.

Americans everywhere were ranting and reviling about how the USA got cheated out of gold in Men’s Basketball by the Soviets.

I was watching as well, but you know what I continually ranted and raved about?

I raved about how fucking hot Olga Korbut was.


Yes, even at the tender age of eight, I wanted to drink as much as I could of that gap-toothed, uber-sexy, White Russian gymnast.

But, while there were a few perplexed by that, and by my incredibly detailed doodles of Leonid Brezhnev, most people just thought that I was…peculiar.

Through 1973 and 1974, I immersed myself deeper into the American culture.


I had friends, played baseball, and got my first real girlfriend. I was one smooth son-of-a-bitchski.

I was good at what I did and no one was the wiser as to my true identity. I was just another typical American kid in Bagwine, Ohio…

Albeit, one who still, at the age of nine, carried an Etch-a-Sketch around with him everywhere he went.

From the time I got it on that fateful Christmas morn of 1968, until August 14, 1974, I was receiving bland secret training and indoctrination through it, however...


On August 15, 1974, through the Etch-a-Sketch, I received my mission instructions…

My mission, if I managed to successfully complete it, would forever change the world.

I did, and it did, and the Code Name for my mission was…

Well…I’ll pick up from this point on Friday.

Until then…


I’m off today, shaving my head, and catching up with you fine folks because my comments seem to be working now.

Thank God Blogger finally fixed the problem…It was freaking me out.

Na zdorovia!!

23 comments:

Matt-Man said...

Just making sure this works...

Jeff B said...

I'm waiting with baited breath...no really, I had sardines on my pizza tonight.

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Bada Bing...Are you posing as Norm Crosby? Rodney Dangerfield? Cheers Jeff!!

Mike said...

"There were those who thought I was not quite, “right”."

There are those that still think that.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha..Very good. Some spy traits, one just can't easily shake.

Did you ever get my comment on your site today? If not, I'll make it up to you...I'll make two tomorrow. Cheers Mike!!

Andy said...

"I must break you" - Ivan Drako - Rocky 4

Matt-Man said...

Andy: Ha. My breaking of the American culture was more subtle, but no less painful, as you will, and already know...D'oh...I've said too much. Cheers Anj!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I’m loving this impromptu coming out party. This wasn’t exactly the way I thought you were going to come out but it works just as well.

I smell a made for TV movie of the week! And boiled potatoes….

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Coming out party? Are you saying I'm gay? Are you mister? Cheers Scott!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I'll bet you carried nude photos of Stalin in your walletski...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Indeed I did, and let me tell ya...That fucker was hung like the gun on a T-34. Cheers P-Man!!

Jay said...

All I ever did on my Etch-a-Sketch was draw boobies. I guess I wasn't a good target for intelligence agencies. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. If you could draw good looking boobies on your Etch a Sketch, someone missed out on your talent. Cheers Jay!!

Dana said...

Of course you weren't "right" - you're LEFT you damned Commie bastard!

And here I thought the reason I didn't like the Etch-a-Sketch was because when I wrote my name it
_ _ _ _
looked like |_||-| | |_| |-|

Dana said...

For the record, that looked a lot better in the preview than it did when it published :)

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Yeah, it had to look better in the preview, because well...but remember I am left handed, so I am in my right mind. Cheers Dana!!

The Dish said...

I am far too lazy to ever be a spy, but would love a magic etch-a-sketch!

Matt-Man said...

Dish: Ha...of course you would. Cheers Funny Girl!!

Michele said...

Blogger was so pissing me off yesterday.

I'm not sure what to say about this post except that it vaguely reminded be of every three part series. Which is to say I was left slightly dissatisfied. It's that or I need another glass of wine.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: I don't usually do series, and for that, allow me to buy you a glass of wine. Cheers Michele!!

Mike said...

Hey, a chance for another comment. I did a google search on два. 203 freakin' MILLION hits! The first on this list was en.wiktionary.org/wiki/два . It has an AUDIO file of this word. It starts out with a clicking sound, then dida, then ba.

Joker_SATX said...

Nice.....

Matt-Man said...

Mike: What you heard was evidently a secret code audio...or not. Cheers Mike!!

Joker: What does that mean? Cheers Joker!!