Monday, August 09, 2010

Matt-Man Declares Today...Double Loser Day!!

“Second place is not a defeat. It is a stimulation to get better. It makes you even more determined.”

--Carlos Lopes (Portuguese Marathon Runner, Gold Medalist 1984 Olympics)

That is indeed an inspiring quote…if you aspire to become a long distance runner of Portuguese descent; if not, it’s bullshit.

Second Place is a defeat. It sucks…

Anyone who says otherwise, is full of shit, probably used to losing, and is trying to make their sorry, self-loathing life seem worthwhile.

Second Place, in a word, bloooooows.

You know what is even worse than being a Second Place loser? Being a Double Second Place loser.

What do I mean, you ask?

Most, or at least many people, know that FDR defeated Herbert Hoover in the 1932 Presidential Election.

That makes Hoover a Second Place loser. However…Who did FDR defeat in the 1936 Presidential Election?

Most people have no idea, but it was Alf Landon. What does that make Alf?

A DOUBLE Second Place loser, because not only did he lose to FDR, he was the SECOND one to lose to FDR.

Sure, many people remember the first loser (Hoover) but not the second loser (Landon).

There are many examples of this.

Joe Maurer led the American League in Batting Average in 2009, who finished second? Without Googling, no one knows…no one cares. But, whoever it was, he is a Double Loser!!

I can see this in my own life. I remember the name of the first chick I ever had sex with. Who was the second chick I had sex with?

I haven’t a clue, which makes whoever it was a Double Loser, because not only do I not remember who it was, the chick actually had sex with me!!

It’s sad, and I DO feel second place is for losers, but...

Even though I scoff and feel that second place sucks, I feel bad about the obscurity it befalls otherwise fine and decent people.

I’m sensitive to things like that. ‘Cause, well…I’m a sensitive guy.

So, in order to extend an olive branch to all the Double Losers out there, who wallow in obscurity, I had an idea in which we could honor them.

I declare today, Double Loser Day.

And my way in which to honor all of the Double Losers in this world is to steal the nuclear launch codes, and explode a Gazillion Megaton nuclear device over Nagasaki, Japan.

Damn Right, Bitches!!

Tens of thousands of Japs died when the U.S. dropped an Atomic Bomb on the city on August 9, 1945, but no one really talks about the vaporized Nagasakians. Why?

Because they were second!!

It’s always Hiroshima this, Hiroshima that. On August 6th , so and so many years ago, we dropped the bomb on Hiroshima. Poor Hiro-Fucking-Shima.

Where’s the love for Second Place Double Loser, Nagasaki!?

I’ll tell you where it is…

It’s at the business end of a nuclear fucking bomb, and if I can get my finger on the button, I’m going to vaporize their asses all over again.

Don’t tell me that won’t propel the fame of Nagasaki over those smug, pretentious, “we were the first to get radiated”, fucking Hiroshimans.

Yeah…People will notice that, and Nagasakians and Double Losers the world over, will thank me for it by saying…

Damn…That Matt-Man is one helluva sensitive guy.



Jay said...

Ha! I never really realized how arrogant the Hiroshimans were until you pointed it out. Maybe you could also find some other places that need to get nuked just so Nagasaki doesn't start thinking they're special too. Like maybe Philadelphia.

Also, does this mean that Wendell Willkie is a Triple Second Place Loser?

And oddly enough Thomas Dewey would be a Quadruple Second Place Loser AND a First Second Place Loser. Which means he probably thinks that makes him special. Freaking asshole.

See how thought-provoking your posts are?

Anonymous said...


Mike said...

Don't forget McCain. Lost to Bush in the primaries. Then picked up Palin. Then lost to Obama. Three time loser.

Scott Oglesby said...

Do you really not remember the second girl you ever slept with? I don’t believe that. I remember every one of them. Then again, there were not a lot to have to remember.

And if I were going to get hit with a nuke, I’d rather it be a little boy than a fat man.

Knight said...

I'm betting this double loser thing probably applies to me in many ways and being that I'm not competitive and don't give a shit, I'm just going to enjoy my holiday. Thank you!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. My posts are at times, quite deep and thought provoking, are they not? Yeah, that fucking Dewey. I heard he was always bragging about his ability to lose. What a putz. Cheers Jay!!

Mike: And everyone knows of his penchant for losing. Nagasaki? Thay got nothing out the deal. Cheers Mike!!

Scott: As much of my early sexcapades involved alcohol, no, I don't remember Mizz Number Two. Hiroshima got Little Boy too. See? They got it all!! Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

Knight: Well then, enjoy your special day, and get that bike ready for a trip to Bagwine. Cheers Knight!!

Dana said...

The way parents are raising their kids these days, you really don't need a special double looser day - EVERYONE is a winner ... even if they are a double loser.

Hell! We give trophies out to double losers these days.

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ryno doesn't get raised that way. Whenever he screws up and "loses" on a test or "loses" on getting something done, he doesn't get a trophy from his mom and I.

All he gets is a smack upside that big head of his. It to this point has had little effect. Cheers Dana!!

Baseball Mom said...

Matt: Your posts go over my head at times. I think I have double lost to many brain cells. lol

Dana: I agree. On some point.

Matt-Man said...

Baseball: Maybe they don't go over your head. Perhaps they are so infantile, that they go below your head. Cheers Mom!!

Dianne said...

Alf ran for President? He had a last name? But I thought he was a hairy alien?
Where were the birthers back then?

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Oh they were there, that's why Alf lost. Cheers Sexy!!

Marilyn said...

My second loser's name was Mike. He was a practicing alcoholic and and drug addict and treated me like crap. Otherwise he was real nice though and I do remember his name.

David said...

I wish I would have known about this in advance so I could have gone to the Hallmark store for the special cards for Double Loser Day.

Did you trademark this? You should get royalties.

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Ha. Sorry about chuckling, it's just in how you wrote that. Cheers Marilyn!!

David: I would have let you known earlier but it just kinda came to me. Cheers David!!

Marilyn said...

Nah... you know me. I wrote it that way to be silly.