Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I Am One Hot Mess

I suffer from depression, and anxiety. I have for many years.

The last few years, I’ve been able to maintain, but some days, I’m holding on by a thread.

I remember it all started when I was 25 years old. I was sitting in the break room at work having a hard boiled egg for breakfast.

All of a sudden, the room started to spin, and everyone sounded like they were talking from inside a tunnel. Then…I choked. Then came the heart palpitations, sweating, and chest pain.

Needless to say, I freaked the fuck out. I thought I was having a heart attack, or a stroke. So I did what any sane person would do. I called my Mommy. I also went straight to the ER. After I picked up my Mommy.

They drew blood, and all that happy shit, and the doctor told me that my veins were swelling. My reaction? “I’m dying, right?” His reply, “No moron, you’re having a panic attack.”

Oh well, is that all? When he said “a” panic attack, and I’m “not” dying, which of course, was all I heard, I thought whew, glad that’s over. Who loves their run on sentences?

I was stupid. No, they just kept coming. No rhyme or reason. It got to the point where driving was becoming a little hazardous. Right turns made me dizzy.

If I had to wait too long at a traffic light, I had to pull over in the nearest parking lot, and wait for it to pass so I could go on.

This is thru town people, I don’t travel the interstate. That would’ve have been fucking hilarious!

Swallowing became difficult, unless…get this, I was standing and no one was watching me eat or drink.

I could not eat in restaurants, or with co-workers, friends, MY MOTHER, anyone. She used to have me come to her house, and she’d fix me soup.

Sorry I worried you so much Mom. We won’t discuss my 3:00 am drunk shit, ok Mom? Mommy? God I miss that woman.

Anyhoo, it got pretty bad for several years. Then I left an abusive relationship, and things got better. Attacks are few and far between now, and have been for years. I still get them, but not like it was.

Fuck! I think I just jinxed myself. Shit.

Depression still grips me, but my bouts with it are not everyday like it used to be. I do still sleep a lot, but I always did do that. It’s a hobby.

I know I could have gotten meds for this long ago, but I was more afraid of them, than the attacks. Oh, and a side effect? I can’t swallow pills anyway.
I can eat in restaurants again, but it’s still hard. I can eat in front of people sitting down, but it’s hard. Sometimes, I freak out in crowds. Driving is much better, but still no interstate.

I know this is long, but I just wanted to tell my story, so that you out there that have this problem, won’t feel so alone.

I think next up, will be my obsessive, and control tendencies.

People…I’m a total freak show, and you’re all invited.



Mike said...

I'm never eating hard boiled eggs again.

Beth said...

Mike: Ha! I'm sorry! Remind not to tell you about the lettuce incident then;)

IWS Radio said...

Let me get this straight...Yesterday you're talking about how much you love me and today you're talking about how fucked up you are.

Exactly what type of perverse, twisted web of madness have you sucked me into? Zoooves!!


Beth said...

Matt: Good one! You knew exactly what you were getting into goof;)

MysteryChick said...

You're the hottest, hot mess I sorta know.

We all have our crazy and anyone who thinks otherwise is...well, crazy!

Beth said...

Chick: Thanks! I think you are too;)

Jay said...

Another uplifting post full of happiness and sunshine! ha

You're a lot more Hot than you are Mess though. And you're quite the mess. LOL ;-)

Beth said...

Jay: Ha! Thanks, I think;) And my posts are uplifting dammit!

Anonymous said...

Thanks Schmoop, too many of us who suffer from anxiety/depression are too afraid to talk about it. I've been dealing with this bullshit for years, and I'm getting damn sick of it.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

Sleeping is a DAMN good hobby.

Beth said...

Rich: I know, but don't be afraid, honest. It has helped me tremendously just to talk about it. Hang in there.

Phfrankie: I always thought so too!

Anonymous said...

I'll do that Beth. :) I know some people probably feel like they've lost their mind when it happens, you just have to ride it out. It sucks to realize just how little control you can have over yourself @ times.

Beth said...

Rich: No kidding. It's funny after I wrote this, I started to have an attack. It stopped, but boy imagination is powerful!

Raquel's World said...

My neighbor has this and I swear I thought it was a crock of shit. "I can't be in large crowds" "I vomit at the mall" etc.
Guess I should take it more seriously huh?
I'll try to be more patient with her but I wont stop blogging about her.

Beth said...

Raquel: Yes it's very real. I can't believe their is still such a stigma attached to it. It's fucking real!

bobbybegood1 said...

I'm with Mike. I ain't ever eating boiled eggs again. lol! No, seriously man - LEAVE THE SHIT ALONE!!! LMFAO!!!! Hey Buddy! Long time no chat. I think the one up next (OCD control freak), yeah, that one - describes me to a T. Cheers!! you-crazy-ass-wonderful-guy

David said...

My only anxiety attack point is being in a large crowd that is pushing or shoving so I've learned to never go to such an environment. Now, depression I've had for decades and I couldn't get out of bed and out the front door without the meds. But it makes me not sleep rather than sleep a lot. I envy your sleep.

These are things not to be embarassed about - most are chemically induced in the brain.

This was not a witty reply but I did enjoy your post.

Anonymous said...

@Beth, I know what you mean. Sometimes just thinking about my "triggers" sets it off. And god knows I've been through the not getting out of bed, not eating, and losing interest in everything over the years. The meds have helped, but they can only do so much. :(

Knight said...

I've always had anxiety and depression problems but when the epilepsy started four years ago panic attacks became a regular thing. I understand you babe. That shit is terrifying and so many people don't understand. A lot of us do though.

Betty said...

I have had anxiety (panic) attacks for years. I used to have panic attacks at traffic lights, too, and going into a department store and smelling the perfumes (they used to spray you at Dillards, but I think they've stopped now) always gave me fits. I had a panic attack in the Tube (Underground) in London once. Fun times.

The worst thing is that people just don't believe you or sympathize like they would if you were "really sick".

Beth said...

Bobby: Hey! Yea the OCD thing should be awesome, and strange!

David: I thank you my friend. There are times when I don't ever want to leave my house again. Ok, that's everyday. I know when people have this "affliction", they can't sleep, but for some odd reason, it seems to help me. Although, the dreams are totally fucked up!

Beth said...

Rich: I was just telling Matt, that ever since I wrote this, I've been having mini attacks. It sucks, I know. I glad the meds are helping you some. Please, don't give up. I almost did. I want you to know, you're not alone. Take care.

Beth said...

Knight: Oh baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't know about your epilepsy. That has got to be a scary thng. I don't understand why there most people don't get that is very fucking real. I love you hon. Please know I'm here.

Beth said...

JayMom: It's terrible, isn't it! Oh Lord, I could not imagine being the tube! I had a freak out in the dollar store once, and had to leave my Mom in there to go outside. You know, when you break out in sweat, and turn the shade of a piece of paper...well they still don't get it, do they?

Anonymous said...

@Beth, I'm not giving in. Hell, I'd miss all the IWS gang! :) We're a family, albeit a dysfunctional family at times. Oh I forgot to tell you...don't tell Matt about the Casey Anthony halloween mask. I'm afraid he'd make you wear it when you do the deed. ;)

Beth said...

Rich: You are right my friend! I won't, but it might be better than Michelle Bachman one;)

Kimberly said...

Whoa. Sleeping is my hobby too!