Schmoop Does Bagwine and Asks...Who's Your Daddy?

So, since I seem to now be in charge of this here Bagwine blog, I will try to post witty, intelligent posts. Oh who the hell am I kidding…it will be total drivel. Anyhoo...

Let’s start off with my horrible television viewing habits. Everyone, and I mean ALL of YOU, have guilty viewing habits. Right? 

Of course you do. On to mine.

You may know that Monday thru Thursday evenings, and all day Sunday…I am left to my own devices, as the King, aka Matt Man, is at the Beer Mine.

So, here goes…

He wanted to know why, on Saturday morning, when he turned on the TV, that Cartoon Network was on.

Ok, good question. Why was it on? I’ll tell you why.

“Who lives in a pineapple under the sea, Spongebob Squarepants.” 

Not so bad you say? Moving on.

Bridezillas, Judge Judy, Andy Griffith (only in B/W), HGTV, Food Network, and anything with the Kardashians. Nothing out of the ordinary, right?

Ok, the Bridezilla thing is a bit much, and maybe, maybe the Kardashians (I love you Bruce).

What? Just because I can name them all, even the two youngest ones (Kylie and Kendall)…don’t judge me.

Ok, here’s the big one. At 5:00 every weekday night (except Fridays when Ego-Boy is home), I watch…

MAURY.

I can’t help it people!! I swear! It’s like a train wreck! Who’s the baby daddy, who? I can’t look away. I’m watching it right now as I type this!!

When Matt found out I was sitting in the Captain’s computer chair watching MAURY, he blew a gasket, and had to sanitize the chair!

Big whoop home boy.

When the same woman has 18 men DNA tested, trying to find her baby daddy, and still doesn’t know who it is? Ha!! That is the shits!

Alright, I’ve come clean. I feel so much better. Now tell me yours. What? You don’t actually have any guilty TV pleasures?

Mother fucking liars.

Zooooves!!

Sarah Palin: The Last Picnic In Mayberry

This is it folks…It’s a sad day for America and more so for the citizens of Alaska.

Today is Gov. Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin’s last full day in office. On Sunday, she will officially transfer gubernatorial duties and power to Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell.

She will perform this act in Fairbanks during the Governor’s Picnic.

A Sunday picnic…that’s so typical…so American…so Sarah.

There will be square dancing, bathtub races, and a punch and cake reception ‘neath the Pioneer Park gazebo. It will be much like a Sunday afternoon in Mayberry, N.C. in 1966.

When I close my eyes and envision this grand, yet bittersweet event I see Clara and Aunt Bee getting sloshed on Col. Harvey’s Indian Elixir as Sarah stops by their table to help judge the homemade pickle contest.

Over the way, Opie is involved in a spirited, yet friendly game of baseball with Willow, Trig, Algebra, and Calculus or whatever the name of Palin’s kids are.

Andy and the Darlin’s are playing a hoppin’ version of Old Man Tucker while Floyd, Gomer, Thelma Lou, and their new Alaskan friends are cutting a rug on the straw strewn square dance floor.

Barney Fife is coordinating crowd control activities with the Fairbanks P.D. and keeping a wary eye on Lt. Gov. Parnell because Barney thinks he “looks a little suspicious”…Oh the innocent hilarity that will ensue from that scenario.

Sarah’s oldest daughter Bristol is behind the Soft-Serve Ice Cream booth sharing a tender moment and warm wet kisses with Ernest T. Bass.

All is well…except for the Queen of the Yukon. Sarah, while bravely sporting a smile, and gladly shaking hands is crying inside.

Her tears are the result of months of media abuse…public scorn and ridicule…the incredible burden of keeping the Russians at bay.

So sad...

There is no joy that is Mayberry for the woman who made this slice of Americana possible. For her, there is but a resignation speech, and a plate full of tainted potato salad and a burnt hot dog. It’s just…not…fair.

Gone are the days of the simple life in Wasilla. Gone is her joy of serving Alaskans as their Chief Public Servant. Gone is the innocence she enjoyed while fishing, imparting folksy gems of wisdom, and gutting moose.

Her life will now be full of book tours, talk shows, making speeches, and collecting money hand over fist.

I feel for her. I feel for Alaska. I feel for America, and I hope that all of you Sarah-Haters are proud of yourselves.

You see, those of you who sniped at Sarah Palin didn’t just destroy a brilliant woman and political career. You destroyed Mayberry.

Cheers!!