Bagwine Reflections

“Brevity is the soul of wit…”
--Polonius...Hamlet, Act II Scene II

“When writing humor or satire, toss in the word, “fuck.” It never fails to fucking crack me up.”
--Matt-Man...Every fucking day

Tomorrow will be the last day of year four of Bagwine Ruminations. As I am working all day Saturday, I thought today would be a good day to reflect.

It has been fun and more than a bit challenging at times to put something at least somewhat humorous or thought provoking out every day. However, and fortunately…

The Creator has endowed me with a ginormous sense of humor, which is only fair, because the omnipotent fucker sure as hell shafted me on penis length.

Over the past four years and 1,500+ posts, much like my gonorrhea, I have tried to spread my humor to as many people as possible.

What have we learned over these past four years from this site? Sarah Palin is an idiot. The far left and the far right are comprised of morons, and more importantly and fortunately for me, stupid never takes a holiday.

And my friends, what have we learned about my favorite subject...me?

Many things. I dig chicks with big tits. I absolutely love Wild Irish Rose, and we have learned that my most frequent sex partner is my hand.

In fact, I jacked off three times before going to work yesterday.

Once to a picture of Tyra Banks naked. Once to a memory of a chick I banged in college, and during the last and best autoerotic massage, I was staring at this image:

Sweet Baby Jeebus, that is one fucking sexy looking burger. Hardee’s? You RAWK!!

Anyhoo…I think we have learned that I write halfway goodly. I have some comedic moments, and I have no problem saying what is on my mind.

Not everyone appreciates my honesty, but you know what? Fuck em’. I am honest about my fallacies, failures, and fuck-ups so deal with it, all of you chuckleheads of whom I make fun.

We have also learned that I’ll write about anything and in any genre. Hell, just yesterday, longtime Bagwine buddy Dana said that this picture made her think of me:
I’m not sure that that accurately describes me. After all, I rarely write tragedies. But, this leads me to something else.

It’s been a pleasure interacting with all of you guyz and galz. Many of you are like Dana.

She has a knack for knowing when I am in a good mood and then in some form or fashion, calls me an asshole to bring me down.

I like that. Oh sure, Schmoop calls me an asshole, but she typically calls me an asshole everyday, so when you guys do it, it means so much more. I thank you for that.

‘Cause, while I am a pretty nice guy, I can be crass and can be an asshole. I guess you could call me a crasshole.

But, to all of you…I thank you for spending part of your past four years with me. I hope that year five of Bagwine Ruminations remains as drunk as it has in the past.

And with a little luck, year five will hold a couple of surprises.

Have a lovely Friday, and as always…

Cheers!!

Barefoot in the Cunt

Today I continue the Bagwine Retrospective utilizing a post I wrote on February 16, 2008...

Seems that Jane Fonda had just uttered the "cunt" word. I'm aghast!!

Yesterday, in media outlets everywhere, fallout continued to rain down over Jane Fonda’s use of profanity on the Today Show…

Specifically Fonda’s use of the word, “c*nt.”

One of the morons leading the charge of turning this “shocking” incident into an Apocalyptic attack on the wholesomeness of our children is of course, Bill O’Reilly.

He has been all over Fonda’s back since Thursday, and the ratings whore continued his moral diatribe last night.

As I watched and listened to Falafel Boy, his rantings faded into the background, eventually becoming inaudible.

My thoughts turned into more of a wonderment mode. I began to ponder the following:

Exactly why is the word “c*nt” such an uber-offensive word? Why does the word “c*nt” elicit such rage in some women?

A lesser pondering led to me ask myself, why do I bother spelling the word “c*nt” with an asterisk when everyone knows damn well that I am talking about cunt??

Seriously…I asked Schmoop, who is indeed a woman, what is so offensive about this word. She had no clue. I suggested that it is no more offensive than bitch, prick, mo-fo, etc.

I postulated, that the word was somewhere at sometime, manufactured in to being the Grand Poobah of Offensiveness. (Probably by some cunt.)

I did some research, and sure enough, my theory was somewhat corroborated. I read an article that stated that the word “cunt” has been around for centuries, most notably used by Geoffrey Chaucer.

It has only relatively recently carried its negative connotation.

The word began to morph into being a disparaging term only after appearing in DH Lawrence’s 1928 novel, “Lady Chatterley’s Lover”.

Interesting. ..

With that being said, I still would like to know from the women out there…If you find the word “cunt” to be highly offensive, why is that?

And if you do find the word “cunt” offensive, isn’t it ironic that it’s because a MAN’S writing made it so?

Ha. I dig irony. Still any haters? And if so, why?

Cheers!!

Online Dating: Men Seeking the Fallopian Tubes of the Internets

Our Bagwine retrospective of the last four years continues today.

My selflessness has often compelled me to use my site for the greater good. On October 25, 2006, I allowed my blog to be used by single guys who were desperately seeking well, any chick they could get...

Pizza Man In Search of Pie…

Hi Ladies. My name is Dave I’m 28, clean, courteous, and work in the kitchen at Pizza Hut. I am looking for a saucy woman who can make my dough rise. I’m into bowling, tractor pulls, and being your backdoor buddy.

I have seniority, so I’m free on the weekends. If you’re a female between the ages of 20-60, who is looking for some extra sausage, call me and I’ll deliver. Please, no extra larges.

If Dave makes you “hunger”, type in: DeepDish69 and leave your message.

M.B.A. Looking for G.A.L.…

My name is Myron, but hopefully some lovely girl will soon be calling me “My-man” LOL. I am an accountant for the city of Centerville, and let me tell you, I play by the numbers!! LOL.

If you are looking for someone with whom to share a picnic , a hayride, or even a feisty game of checkers, let me king you!! LOL.

I am a Caucasian male, 5’9”, and weigh 123 lbs. My eyes are hazel, and my hair is an off shade of ginger. It’s getting cooler out, let’s share some hot chocolate!! LOL.

If you want Myron to “audit” you, type in: Abacus1040A and leave your message.

Public Servant Seeks Oval Orifice…

My name is George, and I’m what you call a long tall Texan, baby. I is a pubic servant when I’m not out tapping dry oil fields or laying waste to goddamn innocent, yet well-deserving countries.

I’d like to find a babe who is fine with just sitting around drinking a few cold ones and gnawin’ on some Mister Saltys.

What I do is hard work and sometimes involves, "eps-see-ah-nahjjj." Turns ya on, don’t it. I may not be the brightest, but I’m the baddest SOB you’ll ever meet. Bring it on, baby!!

Want to raise George’s pole number? type in: CrotchRocketOne and leave your message.

Huddled Mass Seeks Helpful Miss…

I am newly arrival from the Republic of Turdministan. My name called Bendel Gobo. I am six summers shy of my 40th autumn.

I am happy to taste the fruits of US woman. I would like to meet woman who is goodly ample with breastesses. Also one who claims food and drink to share.

I fix things around hovel to make spic and span. My looks are good. I am what you call “stud-biscuit”. Let us get together and make date. My tuberculosis is improved much lot.

If you would like to “assimilate” Bendel, type in: HoboGobo and leave your message.

Devoted Son Seeks Blonde Beauty…

I am a shy but loving Motel keeper. When I am not doing my Motel duties, I take care of my elderly mother. After all, a boy’s best friend is his mother!! I don’t set a fancy table, but it’s always homey. : )

I am searching for an attractive young woman to spend the evenings with and possibly a lifetime. Blonde hair a plus!!

I hate the smell of dampness…It’s such a, I don’t know...creepy smell. But yet, I really enjoy getting rough with a young lady in the shower. ; )~~

I hope you’re out there for me and mother. You won’t be sorry, because I am caring and I guess I have one of those faces you can’t help believing.

If you want to “reserve” this man, type in: Stormin’Norman1960 and leave a message.

As far as I know, these guys are all still available, and...well, I am off today, so I am available between the hours of 7 A.M. and 4 P.M. if you'd like to hook up with me before Schmoop gets home.

Cheers!!

Jessica Alba Naked: Rise of the Flesh Toned Surfboard

From now until Saturday, I will be putting up stories from the Bagwine vault. I felt this a perfect way to end year number four of Bagwine Ruminations and begin year number five which amazingly begins on Sunday May 23rd. Wow.

Here's one from June 18, 2007...

The new Fantastic 4 movie really cleaned up at the Box Office this weekend. I haven’t seen it yet but I do really love one of the characters, The Invisible Woman.

Yes I am a shallow man, but my affection for the character is purely due to masturbation purposes creative respect. I think Jessica Alba through her theatrical genius, has captured the essence of this particular superhero.

I must admit however, that I spend hours on end thinking about the fun I could have with the Invisible Woman.

I even had a dream about her the other night.

She came over and we started drinking some Wild Irish Rose.

We sat on the couch and she began to rub her form fitting superhero suit up against me. We put down our drinks and she straddled me as I sat on the couch.

She put her lips to mine and then proceeded to tickle my uvula with her super tongue. She kissed my neck, I opened my eyes, and there on the TV was a one-eyed toucan singing a reggae version of “I’m Turning Japanese.”

She stood up, took my hand and said, “Let’s go to bed.”

Once in bed, we laid down next to each other completely nekkid. After a few pecks and licks, she whispered in my ear, “Get kinky Matt-Man; do me while I’m invisible.”

I said, “Okay, but how will I find everything?” Jessica…er…The Invisble Woman said, “You’ll do fine, after all, you’re Matt-Man, Bitch!!”

When she said that, I didn’t know what turned me on more, that I was in bed with a gorgeous superhero, or the fact that she obviously reads my blog!!

Anyway, she went all invisible on me and I began the search and seizure mission. It did not start out well. I spent the first ten seconds French kissing her left eye.

I then moved on to kiss and caress her super breasts which oddly had no nipples. It was then I realized that I was sucking on her kneecaps.

I took a minute to sit up and analyze the shape and position of how her body was sunk into the bed. I studied and then hopped where I thought I would be in position for some good lovin’.

When I landed she said, “Oooooo good job Matt-Man.”

Passionately yet gently, I began to make love to her, or as I romantically refer to it, “began to plant the spud in the mud”.

Either the Enzyte I had been taking was adding the size it guaranteed or this was the tightest hoo-ha I had ever come across.

I was nearing the moment of climax when I moaned a super moan, and she laughed a super laugh.

Lying beneath me laughing…she became visible.

I looked down and discovered the source of her amusement. I had just spent the last two minutes fucking the hell out of her belly button. The mood had been shattered.

But then, she said to me…

“It’s okay Matt-Man. I’ll stop by tomorrow and go see the movie with you. You can freak everyone out at the theatre by making out with me while I’m invisible. Just be ready to be called Pee-Wee Matt-Man. Ciao baby!!”

I hope this entry will help you to think of me when you view this fine movie which I have never seen.

Cheers!!