I have spent Sunday channeling the magic of the stars and the Bagwine in order to discern your 2011 Horoscope...
Please be advised, the Bagwine never lies…Trust your 2011 Horoscope.
Aries March 21- April 19
You have always said that the world revolves around you. Your claim comes to fruition when during a July excursion to the North Pole, you fall into a crevasse in the ice and plummet to your eternal, fiery grave in the center of the Earth.
Taurus April 20-May 20
Good fortune and the stars shine upon you in February when you come across a One-hundred dollar bill in a Wal*Mart parking lot. Spend it wisely. It’s the only money you’ll make this year.
Gemini May 21-June 20
Your odd lifestyle and crazy antics have always earned you public scorn and ridicule, but when you climb a fence and try to fuck an 800 pound gorilla at the public zoo, it will earn you two broken legs, a detached ear, and 40 Years to Life in the State Pen.
Cancer June 21-July 22
Your book of poetry is reviewed and hailed as one of the “most beautiful, lyrical, and erotic pieces of literature in a generation.” Unfortunately, the review comes from the North American Man Boy Love Association.
Leo July 23-August 22
People are astounded when Jesus returns to Earth and the first person he wants to see and speak with, is you. They are more astounded when he smacks you upside the head, kicks you in the groin, and calls you a, “Fucking Asshole”.
Virgo August 23- September 22
Many people get struck by lightning and survive, but when struck by lightning AND a bus at the same time as you are, you don’t.
Libra September 23-October 22
You’ve always been a proponent of the, “time heals all wounds” mentality, but when you allow that puncture wound in your foot to turn gangrenous and are forced to have your leg amputated, you begin to question your entire belief system.
Scorpio October 23-November 21
Your friends tell you that you make the best burgers they’ve ever eaten so you open your own restaurant, but perhaps you should have named it something other than, “The Mad Cow Slaughter House.”
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
It’s nice that you take the kids on expensive cruises, trips to the amusement park, and to the movies, but it might be better if they were your own kids, and you had let their parents know.
Capricorn December 22-January 19
Life will truly bring you to a low, dark point this year. So please, keep in mind…sometimes it’s easier to just give up.
Aquarius January 20-February 18
What’s impressive is that your ventriloquist act has finally taken you to Carnegie Hall…what’s less impressive is that it’s the, Sgt. Durwood Carnegie VFW Hall in Sandusky, Ohio.
Pisces February 19-March 20
Your attempts to raise awareness about the horrors of child abuse are noble, but using real children in your very real, very live reenactments are turning people off.
Cheers!!
I opened a fifth of Wild Irish Rose, drank it and then stared into the abyss of the empty bottle so I could once again conjure up the power of the Bagwine and impart to you what the stars won't tell you.
Your Bagwine Whore-O-Scope for March 2010
Aries March 21-April 19
It’s understandable that you don’t want to acknowledge the albatross around your neck, but could you at least give it a bath and put a muzzle on it? It smells like death and won’t shut the fuck up.
Taurus April 20-May 20
In spite of what you think, switching from smoking cigarettes and drinking booze to shooting heroin will NOT “improve your health and add years to your life.”
Gemini May 21-June 20
You finally realize your dream of being chosen to be the subject of a reality TV show, however, the show, Dinner, a Movie, and Anal Sex with Bob Barker wasn’t really what you had in mind.
Cancer June 21-July 22
Two weeks into your successful public campaign railing against preservatives and processed foods, Chef Boyardee, Mrs. Paul, and Oscar Mayer show up at your house and bludgeon you to death with a can of Beefaroni, a box of fish sticks, and a package of “All Beef” hot dogs.
Leo July 23-August 22
Incorporating food into your romantic bedroom activities can add spice and thrill to your love life, but covering your entire body with cottage cheese prior to sex is just downright creepy.
Virgo August 23-September 22
No matter what people say or how much they snicker…You find wearing a basket full of lima beans on your head while sporting a tunic made of potato peels to be a very smart look.
Libra September 23-October 22
While lying in a hospital bed with two broken legs and a fractured back you come to the realization that the latest recall by Toyota was more than a corporate attempt to “waste your time” and “mess with your mind.”
Scorpio October 23-November 21
The elation you feel upon hearing that a popular local eatery has named their newest dish in honor of you soon turns to anger when you discover that new dish is called, “Jamaican-What a Fucking Jerk-Chicken.”
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
Winning an 86 Million dollar lottery jackpot is great news, except when it’s won by that piece of shit next door neighbor of yours who’s been banging your spouse.
Capricorn December 22-January 19
You’re never one to wear your seatbelt which makes it all the more amazing that after you drive off the road and get ejected from your car, you survive. Well, until the angry pack of groundhogs that you awakened, eats you where you lay.
Aquarius January 20-February 18
The splitting headache you awake with on March 18th has less to do with the five gallons of Guinness that you drank at the St. Paddy’s Day blowout the night before, and more to do with the fact that for some unknown reason, you woke up with the business end of a rusty crowbar buried in your skull.
Pisces February 19-March 20
Finally losing your virginity after all these long years is a big deal to you and those who know you, but you losing it to a 14 year old is a much bigger deal to the judicial system.
Enjoy your March and your Monday, folks...
I'm going into work early today and I'll be gone most of the day, so you kids behave yourselves in my absence.
Cheers!!
Here's something we haven't seen in ages. Your not-nearly-monthly Bagwine Whore-O-Scope!!
Aries
March 21-April 19
Your ruling drink is Thunderbird. A tongue discoloring wine with 17.5% alcohol, you get the New Year of the Zodiac, and life itself, kicked off with a battering and a hurl.
Your disdain for circular logic and a half dozen corn dogs go spinning out of control when you are trapped for seven hours next to Glenn Beck on a Ferris Wheel gone bad.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
Your ruling drink is JOOSE. Full of Taurine, Caffeine, and 9.9% alcohol. You are a bull full of drunken energy. Much like JOOSE itself, you have an unpleasant smell.
Upon your arrest by French authorities, you are shocked to discover that taking a dump in the middle of the Louvre, is not considered great art... performance or otherwise.
Gemini
May 21-June 20
Your ruling drink is Night Train Express. A “special” ingredient combined with 17.5% alcohol makes you a twin blend of frivolity and memory loss.
Your ability to see and speak with God seems less nifty when he begins riding in your backseat on the way to work everyday while constantly complaining about your driving.
Cancer
June 21-July 22 
Your ruling drink is Sterno. While the alcohol content effect is unknown, drinking “Canned Heat” can often lead to death, much like your sign’s namesake.
Screwing your girlfriend 'til she's "blue in the face" seemed like a hot idea, until you had sex with her in the back seat of your car with the engine running and the garage door down.
Leo
July 23-August 22
Your ruling drink is Hurricane High Gravity produced by Anheuser-Busch. At 8.1% alcohol, you can still remain coherent enough to lead the pride, while still roaring proudly…and obnoxiously.
Your recipe for Poodle Stew and Beagles and Lox may win you 2nd Place in the 2008 Jewish-Korean cook-off in Seoul, but back home it earns you only scorn and cries of, "puppy-eater."
Virgo
August 23-September 22
Your ruling drink is Boone’s Farm. With types at 7.5% alcohol or less, you are a pussy, but hardly virginal. On the upside, the marginal alcohol content assures that you won’t sleep with the incredibly ugly people that other signs will.
There is never a good time to say you want a divorce. But telling your spouse of your wishes while he or she is performing a liver transplant is not in your best interest, nor the patient's.
Libra
September 23-October 22
Your ruling drink is Mad Dog 20/20. With flavors averaging 13%, you are justifiably at the middle of the scale. Combining MD 20/20 with your sense of compassion, leads you to have sex with anyone who is even slightly unhappy.
You have always known that a penny saved is a penny earned, but later in the month you will also find out how painful it is to be hit upside the head with a sock full of hot nickels.
Scorpio
October 23-November 21
Your ruling drink is Cisco. Distributed by the same folks as Wild Irish Rose, and with identical 18% alcohol, you give and receive painful verbal stings. You and the Aquarian (see below) are not a good social mix.
You will finally let go of all of that extra baggage you have been carrying with in your life, and when authorities find it, they will finally know what happened to your mother who disappeared eight years ago.
Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
Your ruling drink is Steel Reserve 211. A beer with 8.1% alcohol, this medieval beverage helps your to hone your skills as the archer. Your thoughts always hit the bull’s-eye when drinking this…at least in your mind.
You discover that cardboard boxes don't make good tire jacks, unfortunately not soon enough to save your legs.
Capricorn
December 22-January 19 
Your ruling drink is well…anything. You are after all, some type of goat. Rude, stubborn, and personally boorish; you’ll drink anything put in front of you, provided you don’t have to pay for it.
Fuel line freeze up in your car is a very bad thing, but you’ll quickly discover that heating up a gallon of gasoline on your stove to pour into your gas tank is not a good solution to the problem.
Aquarius
January 20-February 18
Your ruling drink is Wild Irish Rose. People admire your sarcasm and love your introspection. And at 18% alcohol, you are more than happy to love them back (except Scorpios)…provided you don’t pass out first.
Your 13 year old daughter will get knocked up, your spouse will leave you, and the bank will foreclose on your house, but it's the question as to how and where you got those anal warts and the tatoo on your ass that reads, "Eat More Carp" that is really throwing you for a loop.
Pisces 
February 19-March 20
Your ruling drink is King Cobra Malt Liquor. This “Snake in a Bottle” is only 6% alcohol, but what you lack in punch you make up for in volume, because you drink like a fish.
You will save your town from destruction from an elephant gone berserk and all will be proud of you. So proud in fact, that the citizens will erect an ivory tower in your honor on the very spot where the rampaging elephant will have had a heart attack and died while stomping you to death. Enjoy your February...
Cheers!!
I have spent Sunday channeling the magic of the stars and the Bagwine in order to discern your 2011 Horoscope...
