Rodeo Clowns and the Politics of SPAM

I was going to write about my idea for a religious based amusement park today, but my protein deprived hallucinations and visions have started.

Today is the fourteenth day of my 46 days of a meat-free Lent.

The two week mark of this bumpy and hungry road to Damascus has been greeted by a couple of not so normal, nocturnal nightmares.

After eating a plateful of scalloped corn and black beans, I fell asleep while watching the results of the Wisconsin Presidential Primaries.

The colon was tight…the die had been cast…the stage was set.

I dreamt that I was sitting a leather chair smack dab in the middle of a rodeo ring.

There before me, stood Barack Obama dressed in a rainbow patterned suit with question marks all over it…much like a black version of that creepy Matthew Lesko guy.

Next to Obama stood Hillary Clinton ensconced in an ecru colored polyester pantsuit and donning cowboy boots with really shiny spurs.

I thought to myself, Hmmmmm, kinky…maybe H-Rod will travel below my beltway and go all cowgirl on me.

Off to the side, a little further away, John McCain was standing inside a wooden barrel. He was dressed like a rodeo clown in all of his old, tired, 5’6” glory.

I never thought I could hate clowns more than I already do, but I found that it was indeed, possible.

The three of them were trying to convince me to vote for them.

Obama was the first to speak…He stuck his empty hand out and eloquently told me that if I vote for him, he will make a big, juicy rib eye steak appear in his palm and I can eat it.

He said that if I don’t like rib eye, he could change it into a porterhouse.

Matt-Man, he said, I can change things for you. I can change potatoes into hamburger…change Fish Sticks into a BLT…

I can even change boring, tasteless lima beans into fried SPAM.

You like that kind of change dontcha Matt-Man?

You want that SPAM…You deserve that SPAM, Matt-Man. When you think of me, my brother, Obama continued, think first of CHANGE and secondly, think of SPAM!!

As the empty promise of SPAM made my mouth water, Hillary spoke...

He can promise you all of the SPAM he wants, but don’t be surprised if he hands you nothing but a can that is as empty as his suit.

Think about that.

Matt-Man, she said, if you have a sudden hotspot of hankering for SPAM, whose finger and hand do you want on the skillet handle frying it up?

A neophyte short order legislator, or someone who has been dishing out the SPAM for 30 years?

One more thing Matt-Man…If your years of SPAM eating have clogged your arteries, I’ll make sure that you are covered for that quadruple by-pass surgery and pacemaker installation that you so richly deserve.

Wow…I already had plenty of thoughts to chew on, when the suspender wearing, rodeo clown looking John McCain chimed in.

What kind of meaty delight would he offer me?

Hey Matt-Man, feast on this my friend, said McCain.

If you vote for me, give me the names of five sunzabitches that you don’t like and I will call in an air strike using our new F-22 Raptor jet and wipe the fuckers and their families off the face of the Earth.

He laughed maniacally and then awkwardly tipped over in his barrel.

I really need some meat.

Cheers!!