I Got a Pardon, But the Turkey Didn't

I was bummed a couple of weeks ago.

I thought I was going to have to work on Thanksgiving. Well, it seems now that I will not have to.

So, the ol’ Matt-Man gets to cook a Thanksgiving dinner.

Now, I used to cook an entire bird. And I can say, it was always the juiciest bird around. However…

With it being just Schmoop and I, there was always way too much left over.

So, I asked her if she would pick up a small turkey breast, and I would cook it in Samantha the Crockpot.

She picked up a “small” turkey breast. And here it is…

Yep, that juicy, delicious, mound of white meat turkey boobage weighs in at 6.56 pounds. I am going to cook it in Samantha with some chicken broth, and herbs.

Now, I of course read the recommended serving size on the label, and it says that a serving is four ounces.

That means there are 26.24 servings in that bird. Even at two servings per person, I can have 11.12 more people over for Thanksgiving.

So, if you’re interested, let me know.

On second thought, scratch that. I eat a turkey dinner once a year, and I am going to go down on that bird harder than Gertrude Stein on Alice Toklas.

What else shall we have? How about some sour cream and chive mashed new potatoes? They’re ready to be abused…

Not only do we eat turkey but once a year…Thanksgiving is also the only day that we eat vegetables…

I mean other than ketchup. How about a skillet fried mix of peas, corn, and green and white lima beans?

I’ll cook them up with a couple of strips of bacon, of course. And, now comes the difficult part, the dinner rolls.


Well, you can see that we bought some, so what’s the difficulty you ask? Heating the rolls up is the only job Schmoop has on Thanksgiving.

In our years together one of two things always transpires on Turkey Day.

She will either forget to heat them up or she’ll burn them. So, I have already attached a Post-It note to her forehead.

Maybe I should have attached it to my crotch so she would see it. Oh well.

So there you have it folks. I am off on Thursday and I am gonna be a cookin’ fool.

Oh, I guess I do have one other minor concern. I wonder if that breasty bird will fit in the crockpot. Let’s see, shall we?

Perfect!!

Cheers!!

Crockpots and Cable Boxes

This is it…That’s all there is…There isn’t anymore.

Today is my only day off between this past Sunday and NEXT Thursday.

“Big” doings going on ‘round here today.

Schmoop took the day off and...

Sometime between 8 A.M. and 11 A.M. the cable guy is coming over to fix our digital channel box, which bustimacated during Ike’s visit.

Doesn’t that sound exciting!?

After the cable guy fixes the channel box and leaves, I am going to throw Schmoop on the floor in front of the TV with pay-per-view porn on the screen and fix her box.

Okay, in all likelihood, we will drink beer and listen to the radio once the guy leaves…but man, that’s pretty edgy in itself.

After that, noon time wackiness will ensue when I begin to cook. Ahhhhhh, my only chance until next Thursday. How I love to cook.

What’s on the menu, you ask? And why cooking so early?

Well, with fall quickly approaching, I have been demanded requested by Schmoop to make some crockpot chili. She loves it.

Here’s what Crockpot Chili ala Matt-Man entails…

Tomatoes, Tomato Paste, Kidney, Northern, and Black Beans...I may add another can of Black Beans as well, since SOMEBODY won't let me use Limas. Dirty Lima Bean Hater!!

Not too many spices...Chili Powder, Paprika, Oregano, Garlic, and a secret one which is not shown, that replaces Cumin...

These are da bomb!! Frozen, already diced onions and bell peppers. Fresh may be best, but too often we end up wasting them . So this, for the Bagwine kitchen, is the way to go.

The MEAT!! Two pounds of ground beef, and one pound of sausage which I will slightly brown off with What's-This-Here Sauce prior to crocking it. I also add real bacon pieces.

I cannot bring myself to use sliced bacon for this. Sliced bacon stands on its own and should be consumed that way!!

The cookery...or, is that, crockery? Anyhoo. This is my newest crockpot. Isn't she sexy and voluptuous?

I call her, Samantha. Samantha came with a 2, 4, and 6 quart bowl. I'm am going to use the 4 quart today.

The 2 is too small, and the 6 quart bowl I only use when cooking up meth, so it may have toxic residue in it.

There you have it. After eight hours of simmering, Samantha will be ready to yield her juicy, meaty, and delicious wares.

Yum-Oh!!

And maybe, just maybe, after Schmoop eats it, and provided she doesn't lose too much of her buzz, ol' Matt-Man will be sampling some of Schmoop's wares.

Have a great day all. I may videotape the highlights of this incredibly over-the-top and living on the edge kinda day and post it tomorrow.

Cheers!!