Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Down on Main Street

I mentioned awhile back that I would devote a couple of days a month to my hometown, Springfield, Ohio. Today I begin with a trip down East Main Street.

Main Street through town is also US 40, which was long ago the Old National Road. On the very east end is Kroger’s. Kroger’s is a grocery store chain that on Saturdays is home to a disproportionate number of inbreds and over perfumed women stocking up on Oreos, Doritos, and Diet Pepsi.

The dining facilities in the area are top-notch and ubiquitous (always a fun word to use). You and your family can choose from a myriad eateries. In the mood for a good roast beef dinner? Look no further than Arby’s. Feeling a little Italian today? Well I hate to make it hard on you, but you’ll have to pick between Pizza Hut or Fazoli’s. Hmmmm, Pan Supreme or Spaghetti ala Plastic Bowl? Either way, “Buon Alimento” !!

Of course, if you have kids with you, East Main Street offers Burger King, McDonald's, and Wendy’s. If you go to Wendy’s ask for Chloe and tell her that the Matt-Man sent you. She will give you a triple for the cost of a double, and put a little something special in your Pepsi. Love ya, Chloe.

Actually, there is quite a decent Greek restaurant in the area. Linardo’s has been pleasing the palate for years. Today it is run by a guy I graduated with from High School, good ol’ Harry Linardo. I gave him the nickname “Big Toe Linguine” nearly 25 years ago and to this day have no idea why.

Well, now that your stomach is full, time to think about having some fun and finding a place to stay for the night. You can do it all at the Fairfax Motel and Lounge. Ahhh yes, the “Fax” as we like to call it, offers affordable accommodations, a well stocked bar, and a diverse clientele.

Primarily it is what one might call a “Biker Bar”, but it so much more. It is like an amusement park for the mind. Go to the bar at about 2 in the afternoon, order a Seagram’s and 7, and just take a look around. Across from you is a retired executive worth a few million. Next to him is a sales rep who just stopped in for one or two, but ended up staying three days, and trying to get him to buy her a drink is a crack whore, who really needs to go see Chloe for a triple. Every cross-section of America is represented.

Don’t worry if you get too pickled, because if you give the bartender 20 bucks you can have Room 116 until you sleep it off. A word of caution, after 8 pm or so, go barricade yourself inside of your room or just get the hell out. Especially on Friday and Saturday evenings some of the customers start blowing off a little steam, and the Riviera of the Midwest becomes the Baghdad of the Midwest.

Wow…I am exhausted and we haven’t even completed our journey. I will make sure to keep the car idling and we'll go further down Main Street at a later date. Until then, Cheers!!

And Now...Our Moment of Hinn:

In today for Benny is the Rev. Pat Robertson:


“Planned Parenthood is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism -- everything that the Bible condemns.”

--Pat Robertson

10 comments:

schmoop said...

You are too funny, and oh so accurate.

Matt-Man said...

Why Thanks, Schmoop...Out of misery, comes humor

schmoop said...

Is that we come by our humor? Living is this cess pool of a town? Huh. Go figure.

Morgen said...

Yeah for Springfield!
(I helped open the Target Springfield when I lived in the Dayton/Cinci area)
And yeah for Planned Parenthood, if it's teaching all these wonderful things!!!

~morgen

Matt-Man said...

How lucky you are to have experienced the utopia that is Springfield, Morgen....

Laura said...

Sounds like a happening place! Two Italian places? Wow! That reminded me of the Office (US version) rerun I watched last week when Steve Carell goes to NYC and gets "a slice" at his favorite NYC pizza place - Sbarro!

I didn't realize PP was teaching about bestiality, too! I go there regularly to learn the lastest in anti-Biblical fornication, but now I'll have to make sure they're not trying to skimp on me.

Matt-Man said...

You need to to walk down the corridor on the left and enter the last room on the right. Knock two times and a lady in a black hood and ball gag will let you in. Ask to see Raoul...

Laura said...

Cool! Thanks!

Allie D. said...

I have never felt such a combination of yearning for Ohio and a relief from bein away from it... lol

cathy said...

You are Funny! I live in Ohio also. I use to work as a district mgr. for one of the retail chains. I would spend 2-3 days each week in Springfield.

Springfield, urbana, sydney, lima, etc...I know that area well that you are speaking of...

I'am going to add you to my link list. If that is not ok please let me know.