Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner...

Image and video hosting by TinyPic
I would like to have a dinner party this weekend. But not just ANY dinner party, no sirree. I would like to invite people of interest over. People from the past and present to join me in a well served feast and scintillating conversation. If I could have any four people over, who would I like to invite?

Well, I would certainly want to have Jesus Christ at my table. I mean c’mon, how can you NOT invite the Son of God? So many questions to ask him. Like, what does a leper really look like? Tell the truth, you wanted to kick Judas’ ass didn’t ya? Did Mary Magdalene prefer to be on top? And just think, if I play my cards right and impress him, I stand the chance of him turning my kitchen faucet into a perpetual Wild Irish Rose dispenser.

Peace and love are all well and good, but we need some edginess too. Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, and Ivan the Terrible are all excellent choices, but I think that they lack the humor and sensibilities that I want. So I think I’ll opt for a man that is known to be a bit more of a prankster, Joe Stalin.

Despite what you may THINK you know of him, he was a warm and funny man. He plucked the feathers off of a live bird while laying on his death bed in order to demonstrate leadership to two potential successors. So nice. And when WWII ended, millions of Russians who had been interned by the Germans, gleefully returned home. Taking irony to its ultimate hilarious extent, Stalin considered them traitors and had them killed or sent to Siberia. He even invented the word, “gulag”…ha ha ha, that’s a funny word. Uncle Joe, have a seat my friend.

I’ll have a nice vase of flowers on the table, but the setting wouldn’t be the same without an attractive woman in the mix. Cleopatra?...nothing but a royal whore. Joan of Arc?...pffft she isn’t as hot as she thinks. Marie Curie?...please, I’m not one who can be blinded by science. I want a young curvy Italian beauty. “Gina Lollobrigida, benvenuto, il mio amore.”

Yes, the lovely Gina circa 1955 gorgeous, hot, sexy, and well…I mean…I’m sure she’s smart too. I’ll make certain to sit across from her and constantly drop my fork under the table.

Lastly, since none of these guests are Americans, it would be only fitting to have President Bush present to help me welcome them to my table and our country. Plus I am sure that GW would have a great time. He could talk to Jesus and ask him if his administration’s plan for the apocalypse was going according to scripture. Dubya and Stalin could trade war stories, and tell jokes about civil liberties. By the end of the evening, George would “know his soul”.

Upon introducing Dubya to Ms. Lollobrigida, he would, of course mangle her name, “Mizz Lollo…Lobrigda..er..Labia…Gina? Gina is it? Wow, you’re pretty hot for a dago.” He would keep the dinner conversation at the table going smoothly. Saying things like, “Yo, Hay-Zoos, be the savior of this dry roll and pass me the butter, would ya?” Or, “Hey, Jo-Jo what say you and I go to Moscow and show your boy Putin how to REALLY kick some ass, we’ll take Guy-Na here along with us for kicks. Hey Matt-Man, chop chop, I only have a drop of Rose left in my glass, for Chrissakes!! Sorry, Hay-Zoos.”

Ahhhhh, what fun it will be. If I am going to pull this off by the weekend, I better start planning. I think I’ll be posting party game ideas, music selections, and menu ideas throughout the rest of the week. If you have any ideas please pass them on, and sometime on Friday, you’ll know what the game plan is. Cheers.

And Now…Our Moment of Hinn

Ladies and Gents, George W. Bush:


“I, I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah.”

--George W. Bush

11 comments:

Allie D. said...

OH MY GOD I'm dying over here. Especially when Dubya asked Jesus to be the savior of the roll and pass the butter. Hahahahahahahahaa!

You're a genius. Blogger was made for you. lol

Matt-Man said...

Ha-Ha...Genius is nothing without inspiration, Allie, thanks....

Morgen said...

I agree with Allie - the best line was "be the savior of the roll and pass the butter" but calling Gina LollaLabia a Dago about made me spit out my Snapple!!

This was an awesome post!
I'd like to see GW, Stalin, Gina, and Jesus play some charades.

Matt-Man said...

I'll put that on the list Morgen...And thanks for the kudos, now go tend to your camels...

Penrick said...

You are tooooooo funny. George Bush answering the door and inviting guests in is a little much to ask from that man. Perhaps he can take some classes before the big day.

I'm cracking up reading this in the coffee shop and people are staring at me. I should hand out your blog eh?!

the Laughorist said...

Man, this little weekend dinner can be an award-winning special on HBO. Brilliant dialog! Producers, you readin' this?
Laugh. Or....
Else.

Reeholio said...

What a hoot! I hope the party comes togther alright. I'll be back to see how you get on...

Rhys

Matt-Man said...

Thanks all...I appreciate the comments tremendously. So much planning to do but I'll keep ya posted.

Cheers!!

Melli said...

ROFLMAO!!! GREAAAAT guest list!!! But with YOU that makes 4 men and only Gina? From what I hear she's GOOD, and she's hot... and she's Italian... but do you really wanna SHARE? I think you need more women! I bet PENNY (penrick) would LOVE to come! Yea...

Matt-Man said...

The way I figure it, Dubya will be passed out, Jesus is too pure, and Stalin only likes Russian women who wear heavy wool coats, headscarves, and sport moustaches, so I should be just fine with Gina...As for Penny, she might prefer a more intimate private party ; )

Louise G said...

Do you do 'stand up'? If so you've got to contact the Edinburgh Festival of Comedy (held every year in bonny Scotland) - Seriously, you will go down a storm - if you can stand up and do the dinner party thing in front of a load of Celtic rebel rousers in Scotland you will be famous in minutes you are so much better than the majority of the usual suspects that turn up!

http://www.edinburghguide.com/festival/