Horses, Humidifiers, and Juntas

I have grown restless and am in search of a new line of work, a career that would be completely fulfilling throughout the rest of my years. My restlessness has also turned my thoughts to some of the just plain awful gigs that I have had in the past.

I was a cook all through High School at Hardee’s. Don’t get me wrong, for a High School kid the money was great, but getting home at 11:30 at night and then going to school the next day still smelling like a double cheeseburger and an order of fries (even after taking a shower) was a bit, shall we say…well…it sucked.

When I attended Bowling Green State University, I worked for a couple of semesters as a janitor. Did I wax floors, clean windows, or vacuum? I wasn’t that lucky. My job was to clean the coed dorm bathrooms on Saturday and Sunday mornings. I think you can picture what a college dorm bathroom looks like after a night of drinking, puking, and youthful unprotected sex. The only perk was that I got to clean the women’s showers as well. “Oops, I am so sorry, ma’am, I didn’t hear you naked in the shower.”

Another great job was when I was a Staff Rep and Lobbyist for Service Employees International Union. I had the distinct “privilege” of spending three months straight in Charleston, WV. trying to get a health care bill passed by the West Virginia legislature. I believe that the most telling indication of the environment was the restaurant next to my motel. That’s right, on the door of the Shoney’s next to my digs was a sign that said, “Shoes and Shirts Appreciated.” It didn’t say “Required” or “Demanded” it was just a nice folksy suggestion.

So now I am pondering my next career venture. I have a couple of primo vocational avenues that I want to explore.

First, I would quite enjoy making my foray into the porn industry. They use the “not quite ready for prime time” women to get the stud ready for the scene by “fluffing” him. I would like to be a “fluffer” for the women stars. Of course I couldn’t be called a “fluffer” because that is too girly. I was thinking maybe “moisturizer”, but that’s kinda feminine as well. “Juicer” was a thought, but that has connotations of steroid use. So, I finally settled on the term, “humidifier”. There is of course a down side, and that is that I would probably start taking my work home with me.

I have always given some thought to moving to Central America and becoming a “strongman”, no, not the circus performer kind, but rather the leader of an insurgent guerrilla group that takes on “The Man”. I would get to wear a cool uniform, sunglasses, smoke Cuban cigars, and travel in a Jeep through the jungle. Everyone around me would agree with me, and call me, “La Rose Grande”. Of course, this job also has its down side. I would be surrounded by nothing but dudes, the weather is usually wretched, and I would have to worry whether or not my next mango and plantain salad contains strychnine. As I mentioned, the travel would be fun, but most of it would be through the jungle, I would encounter monkeys. Monkeys disturb me. I hate monkeys.

I think the job I would most like to have is that of “Namer of Race Horses”. Anyone who had a horse that would be racing the circuit would have to have their horse named by me. No more “Secretariat” or “Seattle Slew” because those names are stupid. I would invoke more lively names leading the track announcer to utter such calls as, “And down the stretch it’s “Pre-Dawn Attack” followed by “Buzz in a Bag”, ‘Furry Palms”, “Death by Blunt Instrument”, and “Jezebel Nell”. I would probably end up losing that job; however, because I would start calling the horses what I really want to call them. I would name them such things as, “Crazy Son of a Bitch”, “Angry Slobbering Drunk”, and for the sweet little gray filly, “Shut Up and Spread Em”.

I know that there is something bigger and better out there for me, and when I find out what it is, you’ll be the first to know. Cheers.

And Now…Our Moment of Hinn:

In for Benny today is the Founder and President of The Trinty Broadcasting Network, Paul Crouch

“I am going to control my sons from the grave.”

--Paul Crouch