Ask The Bag Man

Dear Bag Man:

My name is Horton and I am seven years old. My dad was drunk on Wild Irish Rose and accidentally put our cat into the dryer while doing laundry…little Pussy-Boots died. He said that if I tell Mommy that I did it, Santa Claus will bring me everything I want this Christmas. Should I lie for my dad and wait for Santa to reward me, or should I tell the truth?

Signed,

Frustrated First Grader

Dear Frustrated:

Your father was probably not drunk. I am sure that he was simply trying to find the reality that only Rose can offer. You, on the other hand need some reality from the Matt-Man. First of all, Horton is a stupid name, as is Pussy-Boots, so I am glad your cat is dead. Secondly, there is no Santa Claus. Your mom and dad are the ones who buy the Christmas presents for you in order to keep your spoiled, selfish ass quiet. That being said, lie for your dad and take the payola. Oh, one other slice of reality for you, I’m sleeping with your mommy. Now, you’ve learned your lesson: “Reality goes better with Rose”.

Dear Bag Man:

Prior to going a job interview for a night shift stocking position at Walgreen’s, I had a few belts of WIR to give me the confidence I so sorely lack. I guess that I may have forced a little too much liquid bravado in me. I don’t remember, too much of the interview other than saying. “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to sell a bottle of aspirin” and “When in doubt, over-medicate.” I barely finished High School, but I am now the Head Pharmacist at their store in Springfield, thanks to you and Wild Irish Rose.

Signed,

Wasted at Walgreen’s

Dear Wasted:

I have long stated that Rose is the prescription for curing a stalled career. A little wit, initiative, and a good Rose buzz can take a person far. Your story helps to quash the myth that WIR imbibers cannot handle positions of responsibility. Good for you, and don’t take any wooden HMOs.

Dear Bag Man:

I’ve heard good things about Wild Irish Rose and would like to try it. Is there a “lite” or “low-calorie” version of Rose that we women who are watching our figures could purchase?

Signed,

Craving a Lo-Cal Buzz

Dear Craving:

At this time there is no low calorie Rose available, and I am not sure that there should be one. I think to alter the natural goodness of this well balanced bouquet would be a travesty. Don’t fret, however. If you are new to Rose or drink enough of it, you won’t be able to keep anything down anyway.

Dear Bag Man:

I was trying to find reality through a bottle of Rose the other day and accidentally killed our cat by putting him in the dryer. I offered a bribe to my seven year old son to take the heat for me. I told him Santa would be very generous this year. Was this wrong? Also, my wife came home the other night and she smelled like Wild Irish Rose. She doesn’t drink the stuff. Do you think she’s cheating on me?

Bewildered in Beavercreek

Dear Bewildered:

Of course you did the right thing. Kids, like pets, are there for adults to place blame upon, and yes, unlike with animals, a nice incentive seals the deal. As far as whether your wife is cheating on you, I doubt it. Perhaps she hides her love for WIR because she is a woman. One thing for certain, never pose this question to your lovely young son. It could cause emotional scars.

If you have a Rose related question, be sure to "Ask the Bag Man".

Until next time…Cheers

And Now Our Moment of Hinn…

“I'm an open book.”

--Benny Hinn (Ed. Note: And the title is "Greed")