1,400 Posts Later, The Bagwine Is Still Flowing

Today marks my 1,400th installment on Bagwine Ruminations. I thought it was a good time to revisit something that I had done long ago but do little of now.

It is a theme that I call, Ask the Bag Man, where “people” ask me questions about Wild Irish Rose.

The questions and answers that appear below were first published in 2006 when Bagwine Ruminations was but a couple of months old and had maybe six readers a day.

After nearly four years and 1,400 posts, I thought I should revisit the impetus and attitude for this website…that being my affection and knowledge about Bagwine in general and Wild Irish Rose in particular.

Enjoy…

Dear Matt-Man:

My name is Horton and I am seven years old. My dad was drunk on Wild Irish Rose and accidentally put our cat into the dryer while doing laundry…little Pussy-Boots died.

He said that if I tell Mommy that I did it, Santa Claus will bring me everything I want this Christmas. Should I lie for my dad and wait for Santa to reward me, or should I tell the truth?

A Frustrated First Grader in Beavercreek

Dear Frustrated:

Your father was probably not drunk. I am sure that he was simply trying to find the reality that only Rose can offer. You, on the other hand need some reality from the Matt-Man. First of all, Horton is a stupid name, as is Pussy-Boots, so I am glad your cat is dead.

Secondly, there is no Santa Claus. Your mom and dad are the ones who buy the Christmas presents for you in order to keep your spoiled, selfish ass quiet. That being said, lie for your dad and take the payola.

Oh, one other slice of reality for you, I’m sleeping with your mommy. Now, you’ve learned your lesson: “Reality goes better with Rose”.


Dear Matt-Man:

I’ve heard good things about Wild Irish Rose and would like to try it. Is there a “lite” or “low-calorie” version of Rose that we women who are watching our figures could purchase?

Craving a Lo-Cal Buzz

Dear Craving:

At this time there is no low calorie Rose available, and I am not sure that there should be one. I think to alter the natural goodness of this well balanced bouquet would be a travesty. Don’t fret, however. If you are new to Rose or drink enough of it, you won’t be able to keep anything down anyway.


Dear Matt-Man,

I had to buy my Wild Irish Rose at the Kroger grocery store last week. The chick at the checkout counter asked if I wanted paper or plastic. I froze and didn’t know what to say. How should I have responded?

Bagged in Springfield

Dear Bagged,

This is a very good question as most Wild Irish Rose is not purchased in grocery stores, unless it’s Bert and Ethel’s Corner Market next to the abandoned Jarts factory.

The answer is simple; would you really want to put something as tasty, true, and pure into something as artificial as a plastic bag? Of course not, be genuine…use paper.


Dear Matt-Man,

I am a novice Wild Irish Rose drinker. I am not certain which flavor of Rose goes with what dishes. Any suggestions?

Culinary Chaos in Dayton

Dear Chaos,

The great thing about WIR is that it is such a versatile vino. It goes with anything and everything. I really like the Red when I am serving hot dogs, frozen pizza, or Loosemeat Sandwiches. The White goes well with chicken nuggets, and really shines when complementing fried SPAM.

If you’re having one of your ladies over, I suggest a combination of oysters and the Wild Fruit with Ginseng. The oysters get her motor running and the Ginseng will help you keep it running. NOTE: Unless you like having colorful stool, there is no good reason to drink the Grape.


Dear Matt-Man:

I was trying to find reality through a bottle of Rose the other day and accidentally killed our cat by putting him in the dryer. I offered a bribe to my seven year old son to take the heat for me.

I told him Santa would be very generous this year. Was this wrong? Also, my wife came home the other night and she smelled like Wild Irish Rose. She doesn’t drink the stuff. Do you think she’s cheating on me?

Bewildered in Beavercreek

Dear Bewildered:

Of course you did the right thing. Kids, like pets, are there for adults to place blame upon, and yes, unlike with animals, a nice incentive seals the deal. As for whether your wife is cheating on you, I doubt it.

Perhaps she hides her love for WIR because she is a woman. One thing for certain, never pose this question to your lovely young son. It could cause emotional scars.

Here's to 1,400 posts and here's to 1,400 more. Have a great Hump Day all, and thanks for reading and partaking of the Bagwine.

Cheers!!

I Haiti Earthquakes, But I'm Here To Rock Your World

Hiya kids…

I am so burnt out…I was thinking that I need something with which to put a flame into my brain.

See? That’s rhymes…well, almost.

Anyhoo…

I am off all day today and I’ll be doing Schmoop’s taxes and possibly doing David’s as well, so I’ll be in front of the computer all fricking day.

So…

Today, I am opening up the blog lines in hopes of educating all of you folks as to what constitutes good Bagwine and Good Sex.

As far as today goes, consider me your free “Life Coach”.

I understand that Life Coaches are expensive, so I am once again giving of myself and helping the masses out.

Consider me the Haitian Relief Fund for your soul and your being, so aftershock me with some good questions.

I promise not to let you down…of course, that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. So, let me have your questions and/or abuse...

Cheers!!

Ask the Bag Man: Wild Irish Rose, Rocks!!

Some of you may have never seen my advice column that I do occasionally, called, Ask the Bag Man.

I answer questions about Bagwine in general, and Wild Irish Rose, in particular. Here is yet another installment.

If you'd like to read the previous issues, click HERE.

Dear Bag Man,

I looooove Wild Irish Rose, but sometimes after drinking a little too much of it, I have problems getting it up.

It has led to some frustration between my lady and I. Any suggestions? And no, NOT drinking Rose is not an option.

Cheers,

Limp Larry
Des Moines, Iowa

Dear Limp,

First of all, I would never recommend that anyone stop drinking the Queen of Bagwines, and I have confronted this same situation (haven’t I, Schmoop?).

You, my flaccid friend, have several options.

You can switch from the Red Rose to the Wild Fruit. It contains ginseng. You can add crushed Viagra to your Rose, making it what I call, a Bagwine Spits-Her.

If those fail you, there is the nuclear option. Just put some Aquadots (call me, I have a supplier) into your lady’s pre-coital meal.

When ingested, those recalled play beads act just like Ecstasy. She’ll pass out, and you can spend the night drinking yourself into Rose-Blivion.

The next morning, bring her breakfast in bed, and tell her how great the four hour sex session was. She’ll not remember a thing and be too embarrassed to disagree. Cheers!!


Dear Bag Man,

If I start drinking Wild Irish Rose, is it possible that I could become as uber-cool as you?

Lochaim,

Nerdy Jew Wanting to be Way Gentile Cool
Ft. Myers, Florida

Dear Nerdy,

Highly improbable. Oh sure, the wondrous effects may add a little charm to your personality, but being as cool as I, is a gift given to me by the Almighty.

WIR is a powerful and magical mistress, but even she has limits as to what she can do.

And I caution you, if you are an asshole or a prick to begin with, Rose will only help to illuminate that; more often than not, in public places.

She may be a kind lady, but she can also be a wicked and fickle, female of fermented flagitiousness.

Tread carefully, my friend of the Twelve Tribes, tread carefully. Cheers!!


Dear Bag Man,

Have you ever cooked with Wild Irish Rose?

Cheers,

Rachel Ray
Hugeass, New York

Dear Rachel,

I cook with WIR nearly everyday. Not in the sense that I put it into my recipes, but rather, I drink it as I cook.

My culinary skills are at their peak after I have had a few glasses of Rose. It has inspired in me, the creativity to produce amazingly nouveau dishes.

One Saturday night during a Wild Irish Rose fest, I made a full course meal that was out of this world.

For an appetizer, I dipped olives into a batter made from flour, buttermilk and horseradish and deep-fried them in a skillet of hot Gatorade.

They were delicious, however, I did break three teeth because I forgot that the olives had pits. Due to the WIR, I could neither feel nor hear the enamel shattering.

The salad was made from fescue harvested from the backyard, sardines and topped with a dressing of ketchup, and okra that I had mashed with a rolling pin.

The main course consisted of a Donatos Serious Meat Pizza. Hey, I can’t do all the work!!

For dessert, I prepared a scrumptious pudding made out of Split Pea soup, raisins, cinnamon, and Hall’s Cherry Cough Drops. Yum-Oh!!

I hope my story inspires you to cook while drinking WIR as well. Cheers!!

That’s it for today folks. I won’t be around much today, because I am off to see the little guy, and then to work tonight.

Have a lovely Tuesday…

Cheers!!

Ask The Bag Man

Dear Bag Man:

My name is Horton and I am seven years old. My dad was drunk on Wild Irish Rose and accidentally put our cat into the dryer while doing laundry…little Pussy-Boots died. He said that if I tell Mommy that I did it, Santa Claus will bring me everything I want this Christmas. Should I lie for my dad and wait for Santa to reward me, or should I tell the truth?

Signed,

Frustrated First Grader

Dear Frustrated:

Your father was probably not drunk. I am sure that he was simply trying to find the reality that only Rose can offer. You, on the other hand need some reality from the Matt-Man. First of all, Horton is a stupid name, as is Pussy-Boots, so I am glad your cat is dead. Secondly, there is no Santa Claus. Your mom and dad are the ones who buy the Christmas presents for you in order to keep your spoiled, selfish ass quiet. That being said, lie for your dad and take the payola. Oh, one other slice of reality for you, I’m sleeping with your mommy. Now, you’ve learned your lesson: “Reality goes better with Rose”.

Dear Bag Man:

Prior to going a job interview for a night shift stocking position at Walgreen’s, I had a few belts of WIR to give me the confidence I so sorely lack. I guess that I may have forced a little too much liquid bravado in me. I don’t remember, too much of the interview other than saying. “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to sell a bottle of aspirin” and “When in doubt, over-medicate.” I barely finished High School, but I am now the Head Pharmacist at their store in Springfield, thanks to you and Wild Irish Rose.

Signed,

Wasted at Walgreen’s

Dear Wasted:

I have long stated that Rose is the prescription for curing a stalled career. A little wit, initiative, and a good Rose buzz can take a person far. Your story helps to quash the myth that WIR imbibers cannot handle positions of responsibility. Good for you, and don’t take any wooden HMOs.

Dear Bag Man:

I’ve heard good things about Wild Irish Rose and would like to try it. Is there a “lite” or “low-calorie” version of Rose that we women who are watching our figures could purchase?

Signed,

Craving a Lo-Cal Buzz

Dear Craving:

At this time there is no low calorie Rose available, and I am not sure that there should be one. I think to alter the natural goodness of this well balanced bouquet would be a travesty. Don’t fret, however. If you are new to Rose or drink enough of it, you won’t be able to keep anything down anyway.

Dear Bag Man:

I was trying to find reality through a bottle of Rose the other day and accidentally killed our cat by putting him in the dryer. I offered a bribe to my seven year old son to take the heat for me. I told him Santa would be very generous this year. Was this wrong? Also, my wife came home the other night and she smelled like Wild Irish Rose. She doesn’t drink the stuff. Do you think she’s cheating on me?

Bewildered in Beavercreek

Dear Bewildered:

Of course you did the right thing. Kids, like pets, are there for adults to place blame upon, and yes, unlike with animals, a nice incentive seals the deal. As far as whether your wife is cheating on you, I doubt it. Perhaps she hides her love for WIR because she is a woman. One thing for certain, never pose this question to your lovely young son. It could cause emotional scars.

If you have a Rose related question, be sure to "Ask the Bag Man".

Until next time…Cheers

And Now Our Moment of Hinn…

“I'm an open book.”

--Benny Hinn (Ed. Note: And the title is "Greed")

Ask The Bag Man

Dear Bag Man:

I love Wild Irish Rose (red of course), but sometimes when I drink a couple fifths of it, a troll-like creature with three horns and yellow goo oozing from his ears appears. The troll then begins to yell at me using what I believe to be expletives in Swedish. Is this normal?

Signed,
Troubled in Trotwood

Dear Troubled,

The answer is yes and no. The troll-like creature is called a “Rose Hobbit” and yes his appearance is not uncommon; however, he usually alternates his explicit language using Cornish and Celtic. And don’t worry, he’s completely harmless.

Dear Bag Man:

Some of my Wild Irish Rose buddies make fun of me and call me names like “Mild Irish Rosie” because I drink it out of a glass. They say that if you don’t leave it in the bag and drink it from the bottle you’re not a true WIR drinker. What say you?

Sincerely,
Emasculated in Huber Heights

Dear Emasculated,

Keep your chin up and your glass in hand my friend. There was a time when that was the ONLY way to drink it, and my name harkens back to our forefathers of Rose drinkers, but those days are long gone. Believe it or not, there once was a stigma attached to drinking Rose. Rose has come a long way. If one drinks it from the bottle, the full richness of the bouquet does not get released as it does when poured into a glass. Tell your friends that experiencing only a part of the beauty of WIR is just not your bag.

Dear Bag Man:

I am the proud parent of a six month old son. His mom is going out of town for two weeks leaving me to take care of the baby. With crying, feeding, and changing, I am afraid that this will cut into my Rose intake. Any suggestions?

Yours in Christ,
Dad in Dayton

Dear Dad,

Trust me, I’ve been there. I can’t help you as far as the changing, but you can do the feeding with one hand, leaving the other hand free for your Rose glass. If your son will not stop crying, put him in his chair swing and run the vacuum. If that doesn’t work, a tablespoon of Rose in the formula goes a long way. He will be playing with the Sandman in no time.

If you have any questions about Rose etiquette, food pairings, or cirrhosis just drop me a line at:

neshobadude@yahoo.com

And Now Our Moment of Hinn…

Wild Irish Rose
Liquid Heaven with a Kick
My Liver Puckers…

--Matt-Man aka "The Bag Man"

Ask The Bag Man

Dear Bag Man,

I had to buy my Wild Irish Rose at the Kroger grocery store last week. The chick at the checkout counter asked if I wanted paper or plastic. I froze and didn’t know what to say. How should I have responded?

--Stumped in Springfield

Dear Stumped,

This is a very good question as most Wild Irish Rose is not purchased in grocery stores, unless it’s Bert and Ethel’s Corner Market next to the abandoned Jarts factory. The answer is simple; would you really want to put something as tasty, true, and pure into something as artificial as a plastic bag? Of course not, be genuine, use paper.


Dear Bag Man,

I am a novice Wild Irish Rose drinker. I am not certain as to which flavor of Rose goes with what dishes. Any suggestions?

--Culinary Chaos in Dayton

Dear Chaos,

The great thing about WIR is that it is such a versatile vino. It goes with anything and everything. I really like the Red when I am serving hot dogs, frozen pizza, or loosemeat sandwiches. The White goes well with chicken nuggets, and really shines when complimenting fried SPAM. If you’re having one of your ladies over, I suggest a combination of oysters and Fruit Rose with Ginseng. The oysters get her motor running and the Ginseng will help you keep it running. NOTE: Unless you like having colorful stool, there is no good reason to drink the Grape.

Dear Bag Man,

A lot of my friends drink Wild Irish Rose and they LOVE it. I don’t get what all the excitement is about. What’s the big deal?

--Bewildered in Brookville

Dear Bewildered,

I could go on and on about the bouquet, the fruity taste, and the clean, crisp finish; however, it’s much more than that. At $4.09 a fifth and 18% alcohol, it’s like an inexpensive, liquid version of crack.

Dear Bag Man,

My wife has told me that unless I stop drinking Rose and get a job, she is going to leave me. She’s really a nag, and I love Wild Irish Rose. Help Me Out!!!

--Married and Drunk in Beavercreek

Dear MD,

Just tell her that it was the consumption of Rose that prompted you to ask her to marry you, so it’s only fitting that the Rose be the demise of your marriage. Try that and let the chips fall where they may.

That’s all the advice for today. Remember, a cheap buzz is only a fifth of Rose away.

And Now Our Moment of Hinn…

In for Benny today, is someone who obviously drinks Wild Irish Rose, Pastor Jesse Duplantis:

"There was a cloud that looked like smoke going up from the Throne and I heard that massive sound, "whoosh! It was power like I’ve never experienced in my life. Then I saw God’s finger barely move and when it moved, an angel that was flying near Him was thrown up against a wall. Bam! It didn’t hurt the angel."

--Jesse Duplantis