Friday, September 29, 2006

Damn, I'm Starved...Wanna Have Sex?

Oh hell yeah, it’s Friday again. Shortly the Rose will be flowin’, I’ll be glowin’, and my buzz will be growin’. I will even be having sex all weekend because I have changed the rules. You see, sex is just a word, and I have changed the definition. I mean why can’t I? Who gave the person the right to call full contact naked mutual stimulation, “sex”. Who gave the guy who called sex what it is, the right to do so? And yes ladies, it was a guy who named it that. If a woman had named it, it would be called something else, like passion play, rolling in rose petals, or god forbid, making love. Of course, had it been Rachel Ray who named the action, she would have called it, “Making a Thirty Minute Meal.”

I have decided to redefine the action of “have, had, or having sex” as “eat, ate, or eating a meal”. The advantages are endless. When someone asks me, “How many days a week do you have sex?”, I could respond by saying, “everyday.” Just think of how studly I would appear. I could do interviews.

Joe: How many times a day do you have sex Matt-Man?

Matt-Man: Twice a day during the week and three times a day during the weekend.

Holy Crap!! Don’t you get tired?

Matt-Man: Nope, it actually gives me more energy.

Joe: Wow…Have you ever had sex in public?

Matt-Man: Oh sure...Wedding receptions, wakes, football games, and even next to the hot dog vendor cart downtown.

Joe: Incredible. I wish I had your nerve. Hell, I panicked when my girlfriend tried to get me to do it in a restaurant one time…Just couldn’t do it. YOU da Man.

Matt-Man: Oh damn Joe, you gotta have sex in a restaurant. I have great experiences with having sex in restaurants, especially if the prices are reasonable.

Joe: Um…prices?...okay. Have you had sex with a lot of different partners?

Matt-Man: Who hasn’t? I’ve had sex with many different women, men; sometimes I even have sex with my cat, because she won’t stop begging me. I really miss the times I had sex with Mom and Dad. And it was even better when the whole family came.

Joe: Good God, man, you’re a freak, if not a criminal.

Matt-Man: Well, then put me in prison. I’ll have sex there everyday, as well.

Yes my definition change will make me the toast of the town. Now, does anyone want to meet for lunch at Pizza Hut and have sex with me?

On a far more ugly note. A disturbing thought just popped into my mind as I was re-reading this, the thought of Rachel Ray having sex. Would she turn to her lover and say, “Hey, you want to go to bed and fill my garbage bowl?” If things were a little tight would she ask her man, “Damn honey, could you put a little EVOO on it?” Of course she’d be giggling the whole time…..Ewwwwwwww.

And it’s not just her, all of the Food Network celebs would be icky. Look at Emeril. I can hear him being smooth by saying, “Hey baby, in the mood for a little essence of Emeril?” And the whole time he was doing it he would be bellowing out, “BAM, BAM, BAM”. Freaky.

Giada DeLaurentis may be cute, but for some reason I can hear her saying, “Trust me honey, that’s just parmigiano reggiano down there.” Why do I do this to myself, gross!! I guess I do it because I’m going to hell, and as they say, you’re all going with me.

Well folks enjoy the weekend, spend it with someone you love, and when you sit down to dinner, have great sex.


And Now Our Multiple Moment of Motto…

Washington: “Come for the Gorp, Stay for the Birkenstocks”

Virginia: “Macaca”

Don’t forget to start off your weekend by visiting the BAGWINE store.


Allie D. said...

Oh. My. God.

this is one of the funniest things I have EVER read. I'm serious. I absolutely love this kind of humor.

But then you gave the the image of that Gaida chick having sex. She reminds me of one of those Bratz dolls, with her disproportionately massive cranium.

Anonymous said...

you just can't leave Rachel Ray alone, can you?

as for the sex: matt-man, you da man!
a freakin' machine!
three times a day on weekends!
I bow before you!

Virginia: macaca = priceless

Matt-Man said...

Why thank you. I just hope Mom and Dad arent looking down upon me with TOO much disgust.

Oh yeah, the G-Woman has one heckuva huge noggin'. Wow.

Matt-Man said...

You're right, Mo...
I really should stop the Rachel Ray-ging...But it is an affliction I just cant seem to shake...Now if you'll pardon me, I am going to go make a Sammy that will be Deeee-Lish

Anonymous said...

so in Washington state, do they have Gorp sex on the trails?

Matt-Man said...

bada bing

Allie D. said...

Gorp is so Yum-Oh!!

Matt-Man said...


schmoop said...

Ya know, I'd really appreciate it if you guys would stop encouraging this guy. I am so having a huge pity party for myself this weekend.

Matt-Man said...

Can we play Nude Twister at your party?

Anonymous said...

Man, the Emeril thing was LOL. Especially because my MIL always has big batches of Essence of Emeril around her kitchen. I'm always going to laugh now when I see that.

You know, I always think of Oregon as being more crunchy than WA, but that's just me.

Allie D. said...

You make a good point, Laura. Eugene is Crunch Central.

Irene Tuazon said...

You're evidently quite the madman. I like it!

Ravish Rachel Ray!!!

Bwahaha! c",)

Janna said...

1) Of COURSE I'll have sex with you at Pizza Hut... Let's get the "Meat Lovers."
2) I'm embarrassed to admit this, but Emeril can "BAM" me any time he wants. (!)
3) "Fill my garbage bowl"... eeeewwwww!!
4) I always wondered what "The Naked Chef" meant...
5) So, um, if we were to have 'dinner', would I be able to 'come back for seconds'???

Cheesy said...

Pass the dessert!! LOL great giggles in this post Matt {{golf claps}}
I now know the definition of "it"

And hey posters~~ "crunchy" cheese says bite me! lololol

Matt-Man said...

Glad that I could put an Emeril image in your head Laura. Thanks for the kudos Irene. Janna, Janna, Janna, why stop at seconds? I am first in line Cheesy ; )

Jessica said...

Loved this post!

Matt-Man said...

Thanks Jessica : )