Wild Irish Rose: Panacea

I was sipping on some Wild Irish Rose last night and realized that I hadn’t spoken of the wonder that is WIR. Oh sure, I recently did an installment of “Ask the Bag Man”, but I feel that I have neglected speaking out about the beauty of this potent potable. Not only does this elixir provide the palate with a tsunami of enjoyment, it has a myriad of uses around the house and for your everyday life.

Has Grandma’s good silverware, much like Grandma herself, grown dull and dirty from one too many Thanksgiving dinners? No problem, simply fill a bowl with Rose and start utensil dippin’. In just seconds the Rose turns the grime to shine. If you have enough WIR and a bathtub, you could even give Grandma a good Rose dippin’!!

Painful itching and burning? Soak a wad of toilet paper with Rose and secure the mass inside of that private place and voila, Preparation R. The pain is gone and you don’t have to worry about the pimple faced kid at the check-out counter asking for a price check on hemorrhoid cream over the Walgreen’s intercom.

Are you strapped for cash and your credit card debt has become unmanageable? A big insurance claim can put you back on the road to financial freedom. Nothing says “payday” like your house going up in flames. Wild Irish Rose makes a great fire accelerant. Best of all, it evaporates without a trace.

You are getting older and are becoming self-conscious of unsightly liver spots. Have no fear. Apply Rose topically to the affected areas and within seconds the festering patches are gone. WIR also works well as a facial dermabrasion. Warning: Unless you want your cheekbones to pop through the skin, do not leave on for more than four minutes.

Hey guys, is your partner whining about how “quick” you are in bed, and calling you names like “Premature Jack”? A few glasses of Rose will numb your rascal lickity-split, allowing you to work it all night. And don’t worry about an accidental fertilization because although your boys may want to go for a swim, the Rose is cleaning the pool.

Lastly, a little something for the ladies. Gals are you longing for that all-day fresh feeling? A splash or two of Rose on the sweet spot will make you feel like you’re dancing in the Alps. You will feel, smell, and yes, even taste great, long into the night.

So folks, there you have it, a few tips from the Matt-Man. As you can see, just like the Matt-Man, Rose is multi-faceted. Cheers…

(Ed. Note: Dear readers, please be advised that the Matt-Man is NOT a medical doctor, a chemist, or an arsonist, he does; however, suffer from painful hemorrhoidal itch. None of his claims have been approved by the FDA, the FTC, or the Department of Homeland Security. He is, in fact, a moron…)

And Now, Our Moment of Motto…

Utah: “We Have All the Wives You Want, but Bring Your Own Bottle”