Hail To The Chef!!

Well, Georgie-Boy will be delivering his big State of the Union address tonight. I am sure it will be the same old crap. He will talk about how we need to use less gas and develop alternative fuels from corn, switch grass, and Dick Cheney’s anger. Boy, if you could convert that into fuel, this country would be set!! He will tell us that there are evil “folks” out there that who to kill us, and our only hope is to send more troops to that freedom loving country of Iraq. Blah, blah, way forward, blah blah, 9-11, blah blah blah strategery.

We need a new way forward alright. How about we start by having the State of the Union address written and delivered by guest speakers? Let’s open up the country to a variety of opinions as to how the next year should go. It’s not like the SOTU address is a binding piece of legislation or an official Executive Order. I say unlock the doors of Congress to those who matter most in this country…Celebrities!!

I for one, would love to hear Rachel Ray’s plan for a better America, and how she would deal with the Iranians and North Koreans. I can hear her now...

Rachel Ray: “My fellow foodies, in the next couple of weeks I will be flying to Iran to speak with, and cook a great meal for Iran’s President Alphabet. I am going to make some kabobs, some flat bread called Nan-e barbari, and a meat and vegetable pie called kookoo…Yum-Oh!! How good does that sound? And he and I will just, you know, hang out and eat. I will definitely get his nuke development stopped once he goes Coo-Coo for my kookoo..Heeheehee.

As far as Kim Jong Il, I think he is a sad, angry man in need of some nice comfort food. So I will travel to Pyongyang, heeheehee, that’s a funny name, and serve him a twist on my yummy comforting meatloaf. I am going to cook it in a Kimchi pot. I call it…are you ready for this…Kimcheatloaf. Heeheehee, and it is dee-lish. Between the kimcheatloaf and the fact that Kim digs chicks with HUGE asses, the Korean peninsula will be dandy. That’s all I have time for. God Bless America, God Bless Oprah, and remember, an international peace treaty is never more than thirty minutes away.”

Now isn’t that much more entertaining? There are a few others who would have things to say if given the chance.

Wesley Snipes: “I got but one word for all of you. If I get my way, ain’t none of your asses gonna be paying taxes again…Peace Out!!”

Pat Robertson: “My fellow Americans, we are in danger of losing our moral upper hand by allowing secular, atheistic, grandmother robbing lesbians to destroy our God given destiny. I have a plan that calls for the euthanasia of all homosexuals as well as all Democrats. I am also going to be asking Congress to approve funds to build the world’s largest Christian amusement park. So by 2009, I expect you to bring you and your family to “Six Flags Over Jesus” for some Christian fun. God bless some of you, now Mr. Speaker; bring me the head of Chavez.”

Pope John Paul II:

Bill Gates: While he will indeed give the address, it will not be broadcast to the general public. You can however; download a transcript of the speech for $49.95. Simply go to www.microsoft.com/sotu and click on “Screwed Again.”

And Lastly,

Matt-Man: “We are bringing the troops home and will be having a nationwide cook out upon their return. Beer, brats, burgers, and all the works, will be provided by the Federal government. I am also instituting a draft of sorts. Upon reaching the age of 18, every male and female must engage in hot sex. If you do not have a partner with which to share in an episode of carnal delight, one will be provided to you free of charge by the Department of Health and Human Services. And finally, you’re all invited back to my place for some Rose and fried SPAM…Good Night and Good Luck.

Now that’s more like it. Enjoy the rest of your day, Cheers!!