Pierced Ears and Wallabies

As I said earlier, my big day is just eight days away. Birthdays…Some people love em’ some hate em’. I don’t get too excited about them, but I don’t fear them relative to getting older. I just take the day in stride like any other. But don’t get me wrong, I have had some fun and interesting birthdays.

When I was a little kid, the big birthday thing revolved around Mom letting us pick what we wanted for our birthday supper. I would sometimes pick her homemade hoagies, but more often than not, I asked for liver and onions. Other than Mom, this did not ingratiate me with the rest of my family. I would frequently hear from my siblings a birthday greeting such as, “Happy Birthday Matt, did you pick liver again you little shit?” I could feel the love.

I’ll never forget my 17th birthday. My girlfriend Sherri, took me out to eat, to the mall to get my ear pierced (cutting edge in 1982), and then back to her apartment. She was 18 and already graduated, and I do love the “older” ladies. We had a few drinks, she fed her cat, whom she claimed was psycho and not of this Earth, and then we went to her bedroom. We stripped are clothes off quickly as most hormone laden teens do, and she revealed to me that on her left tit she had written, “Happy Birthday Matty.” How nice…We began the ritual of teen age sex...no foreplay, no dirty talk…more like the act of a drunken Visigoth having his way with his newly captured sex slave.

As we continued on like two wallabies furiously trying to produce a wallababy, I heard a high pitched cry, followed by a loud banging sound. A bit delusional, I figured that I was just performing so well that Sherri was moaning, and it was the head board banging against the wall. I looked at her…she wasn’t moaning and there was no head board on the bed to bang. Suddenly, a wailing of biblical proportions split the air and two cataclysmic bangs shook the bedroom door. The door flew open and in flew one pissed off psycho cat leaping at us with claws at the ready. We instinctively covered are important parts and ran out of the room. We managed to survive unscathed, but the mood did not…My 17th birthday was over.

My 20th Birthday was spent in the frozen wasteland of Bowling Green, Ohio. If you have ever been to Bowling Green, Ohio or the BGSU campus, you know that the area is flat. I’m talking flatter than a 14 year old Romanian gymnast. The only hill for 20 square miles is the nob created by the pile of trash at the landfill, and in the winter the winds blow through unchallenged. I will tell you about that horrifically cold birthday as well as a couple of others tomorrow.

Stay Warm, and Cheers!!