Sidewalk Sex and Ice Chips

It’s finally getting cold here in Bagwine, Ohio. And I have been trying to think of a way to bring a little warmth to all of us. What better way than to share with you some insight into my life. I mean you are like family to me. I talk with you, laugh with you. I have even cried with some of you and had sex with some of you. Well I guess to be more accurate I have cried because some of you won’t let me have sex with you. Nonetheless, I now share a few warm and little known facts about the Matt-Man, to you, my new found family.

When I was eleven I was in my driveway throwing a baseball into the air and catching it with my new glove. I was excited and did this for quite awhile. My arm finally grew weary and I made one last throw into the air. The ball came down, and not only did I catch the ball, I caught a huge, steamy load of bird shit with my face. God’s name was mentioned and it stunk, but I made the catch.

I had sex on a public sidewalk one Thanksgiving night. I felt at the time, what better way to celebrate the holiday than to hose my girlfriend in front of someone’s house who has their family over to give thanks for their abundance? She enjoyed it just as much as I until I started gobbling like a turkey with each forward thrust. I think it kinda freaked her out, but a heartwarming story nonetheless.

I like all kinds of sports. I was really good at baseball when I was a kid. I like watching football, baseball, and now that my son is in to it, I watch basketball. I also like to fish. Yep all great sports, but as some of you know my favorite sport is Nude Twister. I wish I could turn pro.

When I worked at Burger Chef/Hardee’s during my High School years, I remember having some fun with a friend of mine, Nancy. How did I show my friendship for her? I and another guy would pick her up once in awhile, and put the top third of her body into the ice machine. We would laugh as we heard her muffled cursing and sounds of freshly made chunks of ice boink her on the forehead. Oddly enough she still likes me to this day…Go Figure

I like a wide variety of music, from ABBA to Green Day to Pete Seeger. I can get jiggy with all of it. I love to read and write poetry, songs, and short vignettes. I am deeply into politics, philosophy, and history. You might say I am some sort of Renaissance man. The again you might just say, that I am just a horny, drunken moron who resembles your crazy Uncle Ed who sits in the attic dressed in women’s clothing while making ashtrays out of gourds. Well you know what? That’s fine by me because that does indeed make me seem like part of your family.

We shall have to have these little insights into my life more often. I think it brings us closer. Until tomorrow, Cheers!!