T-Minus One day and counting…The big B-Day is tomorrow, and the events have been carefully planned. Work for awhile, go to the bank, and then have dinner with Sweetman and his mom. Oh how the Matt-Man is a Wildman….a party machine, baby…Boo Yah.I have been bitching about the cold weather here of late. There is however, something more annoying and brutal than the cold temps. In Ohio, during the summer, the temps will push their way into the 90’s with a relative humidity that is thicker and more oppressive than a syphilitic discharge from Joe Stalin’s wanker. And when it gets like that, people ‘round here will ask the question, “Hot enough for ya?” Of course a common reply is, “Oh it’s not so bad. Hell it’s 115 F in Phoenix.” And the poser will retort with, “Yeah, but that’s a dry heat.” Well, the same question, although referencing the cold, was asked of me several times yesterday. And while I should have just smiled and shrugged the annoying rhetorical aside, my sarcasm would not permit it. I came up with a few different answers.
Moron 1: Is it cold enough for you?
Matt-Man: Oh I don’t know…Is it cold enough for you?
Moron: Yes!!
Matt-Man: Well, I guess that’s all that matters.
Moron 2: Hey Buddy, Is it cold enough for you?
Matt-Man: No, I prefer it to be so cold that my testicles completely solidify, fall out of my scrotum and land upon the pavement with a clinking sound. And then a trash truck drives over them, crushing them into slivers of frozen nut pebbles reminiscent of Pop Rocks.
Moron 3: Cold enough for you mister?
Matt-Man: Have your water pipes frozen and burst leaving you and your family without heat and water?
Moron 3: No…
Matt-Man: Then, no, it’s not nearly cold enough.
Moron 4: Whew dang!! Cold enough for you?
Matt-Man: No, because I have six freshly murdered corpses in my garage that need to be preserved until I can cut them into steaks and put them in my freezer.
Moron 6: Wow, it’s really cold isn’t it?
Matt-Man: Yes, but it’s a dry cold…
Ahhhhh, Bagwine, Ohio…Morons Paradise. I may be back later today with a short story or two.
Oh by the way, if you’re wondering what happened to Moron 5, I kicked him in the balls before he could utter the question…Cheers!!
17 comments:
Moron 7: Wow it's really cold isn't it?
Hammer: Drinking antifreeze will fix you right up. Would you like a cup?
I like that...I'll use it today shoiuld the question once again rear it's ugly head Hammer...Cheers!!
But it really IS a dry heat! Bwahahahahaha! Yeah, it's like sticking your head in a freakin' oven! Here, let me bake your face off...
Yesterday in Indy, the fans waited in 9 degree cold for two hours for the Colts parade. The players were supposed to make the parade route in heated buses; instead they braved the elements like the fans and rode on parade floats. The wussier fans hung out in the Dome waiting for the rally at the end of the parade.
That's devotion for you, so quit your bitchin' about the cold!
Kidding - I know how brutal it can be there. C'mon down here - the high will be 80 (which, sounds great to you, but I'm dreading it since that means 100s could come as early as April or May - ugh).
Number two actually happen to me early this morning ....opps that dosent sound right... you know what I mean LOL!
Ha...Songbird I always use the oven line myself. And yes I was impressed with the Colts riding in P/Us along the route. As far the heat, the hotter the better. Cheers!!
Sorry about the unfortunate incident with your boys Roger...Painful!!
Give me heat
hot beautiful heat
it doesn't matter how wet
as look as it is heat
make me sweat
beautiful heat
doth not have to be dry
wonderful heat
under a bright blue sky
so hot I can fry an egg on the sidewalk
so hot the tar beach begins to melt in 'DA BRONX
(moment of explanation... tar beach is the roof of your building...the tar becoming semi-liquid like again...)
so hot the kids rip open the fire hydrants and play in the spraying water
so hot the sand on the beach burns your feet as you walk to that one tiny open spot still left, trying to beat that fat guy with the cooler
so hot when the sun goes down it is still 90 degrees
yes give me heat
and keep the lousy, stinking, horrible, bone chilling cold to the penguins in the antarctic
can you guess my favorite season?
Poor Moran # 5....that wasn't very nice Matt!
Peace
Gawd, Bond, even we dumb illiterate Midwesterners know what tar beach is! We could at least deduce the meaning by using contextual usage...
Bond...What Songbird said. Once again Mr. Bond you display your elitist Bronx attitude!!
Odat I feel badly now that you have chastised me. I will seek him out and apologize.
Songbird...Thank you for setting Mr. Bond straight!!
Matt-Man, when are you going to do a bagwine song? There should be a way to get it on this site so all can hear you.
Good Idea, RJ...I will work on that. Brilliant!!
Moron: Gall-Durn it's cold! Cold enough fer you?
Matt: Yeah, it kind of reminds me of the first and only time I banged your wife.
Hey-OH!!
Oh I LOVE Pop Rocks!!!
:o)
Hey Matt-Man if I am not around tomorrow happy birth day the strippers should show up around noon! Roger-n-out
Allie, everyday you remind me why I like you so much!!
PopRocks are great Cheesy...I miss them.
Thanks Roger my libido appreciates it!! Cheers!!
WELL...EXCUSE ME! LOL I try to be helpful and get assigned elitist stature... hummm but i kinda like it!
You Da Man, Vin!!
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