“Don’t worry honey. Come on it’ll be alright. Listen there’s nothing to be worried about. Millions of people do this everyday. Relax and take a deep breath and you’ll see that everything will be fine…”How many times have you said these things or heard others say them to a young child? Well that’s what I’ll be hearing from my traveling party Thursday when we get to the airport. And yes, those remarks will be directed at me. I hate flying.
I have flown several times and yet my anxiety never lessens. When boarding a plane I get a sick feeling in my stomach…a feeling akin to what one would feel after consuming a fried souse and head cheese sandwich topped with brussel sprouts and spoiled mayonnaise. No my friends, it is not a pleasant experience, but I will hop into that big silver bird and fly to D.C.
I know exactly how I will spend my time during the flight. I will be either staring straight ahead or looking down at the cabin floor waiting for an engine to catch on fire or a wing to fall off. And all the while I will be softly singing Buddy Holly songs. The color of my face will mirror the same azure blue of the sky because I will be holding my breath the entire flight. With any luck, I will pass out, and come to upon arrival.
Oh sure, folks are telling me the flight is only an hour long…what could happen? Only an hour huh? I think that’s more than sufficient time to plummet 30,000 feet from the sky and die in a fiery ball of aeronautic carnage. Don’t you?
All I know is that after we land, disembark, and collect our luggage I am high tailing it out of the airport and having a half a pack of smokes. I’ll be sucking those cancer sticks so quick and deep it will look like my head is going to implode. (Yes I know. That last sentence begged for a Paris Hilton analogy, but it didn’t work out.) But finally, with nicotine in my system and my feet squarely on terra firma, I can relax and enjoy a few days in D.C. with family, friends, and a hooker or two.
However, the feelings of nausea and anxiety will rear their ugly heads once more Sunday afternoon when I fly back. The good news is that I will probably be so damn burnt out from whooping it up for 3 and a half days that I will sleep through the flight. Of course if I have gone way overboard on the partying, I may be spending the return flight holding an airsick bag full of Jack Daniels and undigested crab cakes. Man, life is full of mysteries.
I haven’t been to the drugstore yet, so my list of items that I am taking with me will have to wait until tomorrow. Until then, I am going to crack open a bottle of Rose, crawl up into a fetal position, and make out a will. Cheers!!
29 comments:
Oh Matty! No no no. There are so many more car accidents than there are in the sky. Ativan and a stiff martini will make you realize how peaceful everything is around you! ;)
Flying is such a wonderful experience----have fun with it and know that the people below you- on earth are having a more dangerous time out there on the roads!
Cheers!!!
Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, The Big Bopper, Patsy Cline, Johnny Horton, Jim Croce--and you picked NOW to resume your singing career?!?! >;-}
Seriously --I love flying. Just grab a flight attendant and join the Mile High Club Matty--that'll keep you busy for what--five minutes or so?
Smooch
Deb, I have no Ativan, but I guess I could chug down a couple of glasses of Wild Irish Rose prior to take-off. I know the facts about the cars but I find no comfort in that!! Cheers...
TB: Yes, I may be subject to poor timing and the only mile high club I am joining is the one where you pee your pants at 5,280 feet.
*hums Free Bird*
Matty sweetie, take it from me.. flying hung-over is not a relaxing experience...
Seems I'll just have to write an account of my recent travels before you leave... stopped over in Dulles as I returned from Birmingham... and I saw something quite disturbing there I must say...
Remember though, don't try and pass yourself off as Ralph Fiennes... the attendants have been warned about him...
I like to pop two 850mills of vicoden before take off ..that always helps me!
Anndi: Glad to see you back. No, I know flying hungover is not a good thing...I've been there. Disturbing site eh? We are flying into Reagan so maybe I wont see anything unfortunate. Cheers!!
Roger: Mmmmmmmm Vicodin. Maybe I can schedule Root Canal surgery for tomorrow and get a scrip for it before I leave Thursday!!
I guess I just think that living in Orlando I am far more likely to get into a fatal car accident. And, at least, on the plane just seems like it would all go down a lot faster and less painfully. My only problem is flying over water. Cause, in the off-chance I live...I'd die of a panic attack with the whole shark phobia.
-N
Glad to be back Matty.
Wait.. if you fly into Reagan.. he interred wasn't he?.. and that wouldn't be a good thing.. now would it? Hopefully air traffic control will catch your plane headed off to California before you fly into Reagan... Film at 11...
We have plenty of car accidents around here Nat. It's just that when a plane has an accident there's a much greater chance of finality. But thanks for mentioning crashing into water resulting in a chance of being eaten by sharks. ; )
Ah Anndi, always there with a kind word and a message of hope and inspiration. ; ) And yes, I knew you were going to reply along that manner!!
So the thought of a terrorist hi-jacking your plane and forcing it to crash into the Pentagon -- not what you wanted to hear, eh?
Glad I could help with your worries...
That's why I like ya Mo...Your compassion. Of course it could be worse. We could be hijacked by a tobacco chewing wife and husband who are also bother and sister and they force us to land in Elkins, WV.
I wouldn't want to disappoint you my dear!
At least they've stopped serving those *passes for meat* meals on flights thus not tempting you into spoiling the quest for a meatless lent... they knew the meals were so bad they wouldn't even keep a shark busy as you tried to scramble to the life-raft... just don't go down the ramp into the water close to anyone who's bleeding.
Oh I feel for you. I have flown all over the world - a lot - and it never gets better..having 2 bad scares hasn't helped....just get pissed and yes smoke yourself into a coma afterwards....
oooh - rather you than me - i'll send a happy prayer your way.
are you going to eat meat at the wedding or have they a veg option? or will you just drink?
I'm afraid I am no help in the flight fright.. I love to fly.. and even so I also like to get a little looped first... seems to make long boring flights go faster... Crosswords and a good book and now of course I always have a camera attached to my being... Just keep yourself occupied baby boy.. you will enjoy your trip Im sure!
Yeah Anndi in flight food would be such a tempting thing!! I'll take your advice and stay away from the bleeders.
I feel your pain Wendz and thanks for the good thoughts. I will be having crab cakes along with Caligula-Like amounts of alcohol. Cheers!!
That's okay Cheesy I'll just take along a newspaper. The flight last only an hour, albeit a nerve damaging hour.
Remember to pay attention to the safety lecture.. high point... as I've heard the lecture 4 times in almost as many days... your seat can be used as a flotation device... remember Carlin: Just what I need -- to float around the North Atlantic for several days -- clinging to a pillow full of beer farts...
I typically board a plane wearing a pair of flippers so that I am ahead of the game Anndi.
Ok..I'll tell you my flying story when you get back....You'll be just fine....
Peace
I don't have a fear of flying; I have a fear of boredom. Yes, I always bring my iPod, a book, and my computer and/or a handheld game, but I get antsy nonetheless. I think it's the idea that I'm cooped up with no place to go that drives me nuts.
My trip back to Indy next month should be loads of fun...four hours stuck on a plane...ugh.
They fit under the seat in front of you?
Get a mouth piece so you don't grind your molars down to the gums. You'll need those when it comes time to break the meatless fast.
I love the picture. I'm flying down to Orlando tomorrow for a trade show with a guy that's only flown once before. I copied your picture and emailed it to him. About two minutes later I hear..."That's not nice..."
Maybe it wasn't nice, but it was fun.
Flying is a breeze. I commadeered my daughter's Video iPod for the trip since it is Orlando and there is bound to be children on the plane headed for Disney.
Just get a shot or two at the bar...just enough to relax and you're golden.
MATT-MAN: I am losing respect for you faster then Brittney Spears loses her panties...No meat and now I find out you are a 3 year old when it comes to flying????
Tsk Tsk Tsk....OK, as a seasoned flyer who used to put over 130,000 miles a year in the air, let me give you some advice...
The plane makes noise..it does not mean it is going to crash
If you see a gremlin on the wing pulling at the engine wires, you need to order another cocktail
Always have $5 bills.. the flight attendants appreciate exact change
DO not, and I repeat DO NOT scream like a teenage girl if you hit turbulence...the pilot may come back and biotch slap you silly
They say lovemaking at thousands of feet high in the sky is terrific. Grab a stewardess or a willing passenger, lock yourselves in the toilet, and have mind-blowing sex. At least you go out with a bang if worse comes to worst.
(I kid, you'll be fine! Raise hell in DC, Matt!)
Glad I can help fan the flames of fear for ya! :)
-N
Thanks odat, if only I hadnt gotten rid of my monkey...I could play with it on the plane.
Anndi: Of course. They're special flippers. Thats why I'm called Matt-Gyver.
Travis: At least YOU have offered some good advice. Cheers!!
Raven: Sending him that picture has earned you Bagwine Reader of the Day!! Classic.
Bond: Since you are aware that I drink Wild Irish Rose you should know that very few things frighten me.
Lizza: Thanks. I wont let you down. I will give DC all I've got. Cheers!!
Nat: I wouldnt expect any less from you. Only if your sarcastic wit faded would I be dissapointed. Cheers!!
So, when your plane crashes, can I have the Casio keyboard?
...er, I mean, IF it crashes. Yeah, that's what I meant to say.
IF.
Not that it will... it probably won't, I'm just sayin'...
What size batteries does the keyboard take? Does it come with an adapter cord?
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