Flushing Away Deductions

I have yet to fill my tax return out. I am going to be doing them tonight. I no longer have a house, or a child deduction, or…well I aint got squat to deduct anymore. So I felt that this year I would get creative and really check into little known yet highly questionable legal deductions.

First of all the Bagwine abode is more than a cozy apartment, that after incessant begging I was graciously invited to live in several years ago by Schmoop. It is home to the Bagwine Center for Societal Improvement and Libido Studies. I have built myself into a “think tank”…others do it, why not me. By becoming a think tank I not only can help change the world for the better, I can now take advantage of some really nifty tax deductions.

For instance, I can deduct a certain amount of money on the bathroom for depreciation and office space. When I am sitting on the john trying to pinch a loaf while reading Time, Newsweek, or Prison Bitches in Heat, I am also doing research on the whys and whereasses as to who we are and where we are headed. I know, I am one multi-tasking SOB, baby. Leave a load, take a deduction, it’s that simple.

I can even save on my taxes while taking a shower. I have initiated a study to determine the correlation of water temperature to the ejaculation times in a drunken 42 year old male. The results have been staggering and the write off even more so!! Hell, my friends have been referring to me as, H&R Cock…such kidders.

I am able to write off the cost of my new digital camera because I have been using it to take provocative pictures of my cat Corky. I then take the pictures to a local nursing home for art therapy sessions, to see what, if any, effect Kitty Porn has on the elderly…A study long overdue in my opinion.

Last year when we had the case of people getting sick from fresh spinach, I went to the grocery and bought several cuts of meat including prime rib and ribeye steaks. I was wondering if this meat was affected in any way by being in the same store with tainted spinach. My results on that seemed to indicate, no. The study did produce a result that I hadn’t planned on. It turns out that steak is much more juicy, tender, and tasty when you charge it to the government. Astonishing!!

I am writing off my the cost of my hospital stay last September, because I was injured during a study to determine if a vodka enema was a safe and effective way to treat hemorrhoids. The answer is no, but it does produce some of the greatest hallucinations ever recorded. I now know what it would be like to have a three way with Rachel Ray and a talking salmon all within the confines of a Stalin-era gulag. Yum-Oh!!? Nyet!!

Well, I hope I have been able to not only let you know a little more about the great work our center is doing, but also provide you with some useful tax-time tips. Until tomorrow my friends, Cheers!!