Fallen Soldiers and Firm Mattresses

Memorial Day, a time for reflection and appreciation for those men and women who have given their life on behalf of all Americans. This is a day that evokes a range of emotions from gratitude, sadness, and pride. For those of you outside of the USA, I should explain to you how we celebrate the ultimate sacrifice that some of our fellow citizens have given in honor of our country.

Today throughout this fine land there will be parades held in every city, town, and burg. Spectators will wave their little Chinese made American flags as fez-wearing Shriners drive in a zig-zag pattern down Main Street in tiny cars and scooters. The local High School Band will march down the boulevard blaring a discordant cacophony of sounds that is actually a bad version of Hang On Sloopy. Here’s to you Glenn Miller, thank you for your service.

I was glad to see on television this morning that one of my favorite Memorial Day celebrations continues. I saw a commercial promoting the profoundly moving Macy’s Memorial Day Mattress Sale. What says, “Thank you Pat Tillman” more, than waking up from a good night’s sleep with a straight spine? I’ll tell you what, the freedom that these fallen soldiers have provided to us that allows the private and public swimming pools to open today and be invaded by kids who cannot control their urge to pee in the deep end. I find that to be a fine tribute to the United States Marines…Semper Fi!!

Of course what would Memorial Day be without the President chiming in? President Bush will give an address today at Arlington National Cemetery. I am sure his words will be stirring. His speech may sound something like this, “These fallen heroes have given the ultimate sacrifice to their country to defend our freedom. It’s a great sacrifice to give, and especially hard on the ones that they leave behind, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willin’ to make.” Bravo Mr. President, stay the course!!

Festivities will be taking place in backyards throughout the country as well. Families will remember fallen loved ones by throwing a slab of ribs on the grill and playing badminton with a red, white, and blue shuttlecock. The crazy uncle will receive third degree burns inside of his mouth because he bit into an overcooked brat which exploded and inundated his mouth with liquid hot pig juice. Don’t worry, the pain will be dulled by the copious amounts of alcohol he has consumed. (Ed. Note: Please refrain from interjecting personal experiences.) The backyard barbeque is such a healing event.

This Memorial Day we have troops fighting a needless ill-conceived war in Iraq, dodging snipers and IEDs. Don’t worry too much about them, because our Commander-in-Chief has a plan for victory. It is more important than ever that we Americans hold cookouts, complain about gas prices, and joke about the latest Lindsay Lohan bender, because if we don’t do this, the terrorists win…Or something like that.

Cheers?