It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiiiiiday, so spread cream filling on me, dip me in chocolate, and call me a nappy headed Ho-Ho. Boy last night was interesting. I awoke at 2:47 A.M., ran to the bathroom and tossed my cookies, or actually pulled pork to be more exact. Yep, I had a pulled pork sandwich last night and evidently it didn’t enjoy spending the night in my stomach. After a spontaneous blast of heartburn, I spewed the most delightful shade of pink bile from my innards. The worst thing was that it also came out of my nose. Let me tell you folks, semi-digested spicy shredded swine burns the nasal lining most effectively.I am typing this wearing only a pair of boxers. This is great!! Oh there’s a bird sitting on the window sill. Hi birdie!! There he goes. Bye Bye Birdie…I had an odd dream right before I woke up. I was standing on the beach shooting a music video. I was standing on the sand singing, “I’m with the Devil of the boats” over and over. What the hell? I don’t have a boat and haven’t been on a boat in a long while. I mean, it might make sense if Brian May of Queen is playing his guitar and I am singing “Glass Bottom Boats you make this rockin’ world go ‘round.” Either Corky is purposely staring at me or she is receiving a message from the Mother Ship. Good grapefruit juice. Yum-Oh!! I need a smoke. Be right back.
Ahhhhhhhh. Nothing like a fresh dose of tar. It’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining and my hemorrhoids aren’t flaring up. Does it get any better than that? Do you know the Muffin Man? Yesterday’s post reminded me what a helluva an artist I am…just call me Matt-Brandt. Oh I forgot to tell you…Being the genius that I am, after my heartburn induced vomiting, I drank a big glass of ice cold Lemonade. Nothing cures heartburn like 16 ounces of citric acid!! Jeez, I’m a moron. Blip blip rackety ratch. I have a lovely bunch of coconuts. I wonder if there are still any good organ grinders around? I hate baboons.
I have begun to keep a notebook near me at all times in case a good idea pops into my mind. So far it is working, however I need to teach myself how to read things that were written while in a state of inebriation. My last note looked something like this: “Rtrdgi opnf dut tonon auf wulf!! Bwahahhhaazzzz.” It appears to be written in a cross between German and Klingon, granted you cant always tell the difference between the two. If anyone can translate it for me I would appreciate it.
I am going to jam on my ukulele when I’m done wit this. Ha that sounded sexual, “I am going to the shower and jam on my ukulele.” Tiny Bubbles in the wine….I miss Don Ho. I bet Jerry Falwell is begging for a glass of ice water right about now. Knickers!!
I’m thinking Inky and Lola will be making several appearances in the future. Bend me, shape me, any way you want me. Whewwwww. Folks something troubling is occurring. I think must be off to rid myself of the remaining pulled pork.
Enjoy your weekend. Spend it playing strip poker with a bible study group. Cheers!!
33 comments:
Maybe your dream induced sea sickness, ergo, the pulled pork expulsion.........maybe not tho.
But thanks for sharing that...being i just ate breakfast.....Peace and have a great weekend Matt.
Good theory and I am always pleased to share me feelings with you both inside andout. Cheers Odat!!
Matt!~~ Didn't the lemonade teach you?? Maybe the grapefruit jucie wasn't the best pulled pork puke chaser either? Take care of you for us cripes almighty! STREAM TIME!!!!
Last week the 10 Republican presidential candidates held their debate on Fox News. Now, normally I don’t make predictions, but I’m going out on a limb and say I feel the debate was won by the rich white guy.
They answered some tough questions. Rudy Giuliani had to answer for his position on abortion. John McCain had to answer for his support of immigration reform. And Mike Huckabee had to answer the question, 'Who are you again?'
Paris’ mother prepared a statement for Barbara Walters to read. Paris Hilton is still scheduled to go to jail on June 5. Public support for her cause continues to hover around zero percent. Paris Hilton is going to jail. I’ve been thinking about this, and I think, 'Paris, being in jail isn’t going to be that bad. It’ll give you plenty of time to read . . . well, it’ll give you plenty of time to write . . . and . . .oh no.... you’re in trouble Paris.'
In New York City, they’re trying to pass a law that would require strippers to pay taxes on the money they earn for lap dances. This law is for every guy who has said, 'This lap dance is great, but I wish there was something to fix potholes and build schools.'
Miami was voted the worst road rage state. You have 20 [year olds] doing 95, and 95 [year olds] doing 20, that’s why.
In a new interview, actress Ellen Barkin says that when she’s dating a new guy, she likes to have sex before dinner to see if it’s worth going to dinner. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley says that when she’s dating a new guy, she likes to have dinner before dinner.
The price of gasoline passed four dollars a gallon in California. Gas is so expensive now a lot of people are only planning summer trips within walking distance from their homes.
President Bush was busy over the weekend. In Virginia he attended some big event, and I guess he got up at one point on the spur of the moment and he conducted a 400-piece orchestra. Apparently, it was the first time ever a 400-piece orchestra has ever played 'The Wheels on the Bus.'
Not such a great week for Donald Trump. NBC has canceled "The Apprentice.” You just know all those NBC executives were fighting over who got to say, 'You’re fired.'
As of July 1, Allstate Insurance Company will stop selling new policies to homeowners in California because they have too many disasters. They shouldn’t have the right to call themselves "Allstate." Maybe they should change their name to 'Some-states.'
LOL...You kill me Cheesy. I mean not literally, that would be illegal. Is a sick bird called an ill eagle? Eagles rock...the bird, not the band. Do you like show tunes? I think Tommy Tune is a goofball. Tommy Tutone on the other hand is a musical genius. 867-530 nineyine. Hoochie Mama. I like big butts and I cannot lie. Cheers!!
tHEN i GUESS i AM JUST perfect!
OK so I have a big butt.. so big on occation it hits my cap lock and my typing looks like a kidnappers note... oh well I've been looking for a career change....
Sick bird names??? Puking Peking Duck
****Dancing out the door to*****
''''Hello my baby hello my honey hello my ragtime gal'''' {only show tune I think I know}
[Does this uniform make my butt look small?]
Dont let your big butt pigeon-hole you into one career choice. You would be robin yourself. Dont break that cardinal rule. My friend Jay is Blue today. I wish he wasnt such a big chicken. Oh well, I better duck outta here for a few. Cheers!!
That uniform makes your butt look like a Special Delivery!!
I don't know what was more disturbing - the vision of pulled pork shooting out your nose via vomitoria or imagining you in your boxers on this glorious streaming screaming Fry-daddy Friday.
We sold our Fry-daddy this morning in our yard sale for $8
MATT-MAN!
TMI? Hmm. In any case, how much pork can one man eat brother??? I’ve been having a bad case of heartburn, so much, that my esophagus was burning with each sip of vodka. (No vodka for Deb is a sin!) But, I went to the doctor and he gave me this incredible medicine called, “Acifex”. It’s a little yellow wonder pill! Get it—seriously. Then, I saw on the news last night that people who suffer from heartburn may be having a heart attack. Get checked out by your doctor and cardiologist. Get an echocardiogram if you can. Not to scare you or anything------but nausea and heartburn are the biggest signs of a heart attack.
Okay, now that I scared the hell outa’ ya, I’m off to start the weekend. Enjoy!
Nice visuals on this one.
Mo: 8 bucks is a small price to pay for a myocardial infarction. Cheers and waving in my boxers.
Deb: You without Vodka is like a day without sunshine. As far as my heartburn, it has gotten significantly better. This is the first flare up in a quite awhile, but thanks for putting a damper on my outlook on life ; ) Cheers and have a great one!!
Thanks Marilyn. I try to make my writing as colorful as I can. I want it to jump off the screen into the reader's face. Cheers!!
Good God. I am now collecting for my mental health fund. The rubber room can't be too far away.
What? I speak the truth and yet you eschew me. (I love that word) Please accept me for who I am Schmoop. Thus sayeth the Matt-Man.
Oh come on Matty--you've just been waiting for an opportunity to say you pulled pork in your boxers ;-)
Ukes rock short-style. Sorry about the whole pulled pork thing. Almost sounds like a porn flick.
Badway.
Bada Bing...That was good!!
Yeah Badway we could have titled the movie, "The Swine Always Comes Twice"...Have a good weekend Nick.
"spread cream filling on me, dip me in chocolate, and call me a nappy headed Ho-Ho." Oh you are SO not right..... *giggles*
Hope you are feeling better... have a great weekend!
Matt-man - can we get a pic of you in those boxers?? WOOOOO.
Ummm, lemonade after puking???? You are a braver soul than I that is for sure.
And, roughly translated from the German/Klingon to English dictionary, "Rtrdgi opnf dut tonon auf wulf!! Bwahahhhaazzzz" means "Tonight's virgin sacrifice will include the induction of Jerry Falwell into the Satanic hall of fame and refreshments will be served afterwards."
My Klingon got lost somewhere last week =)
Please come over and take the Wayback Machine if you find a sec ;)
Christ on a cracker, Matt -- that was the most disgusting and yet well-written description of vomit I've read in quite some time. My hungover brain is not liking you very much right now because it is both disgusted and yet forced to respect you.
Of course, that's not much different from the norm...
Dixie: Hi D and I hope your weekend goes well. Cheers!!
Angell: Yes it was stupid but I was dehydrated. Very good translation, I'll go with that.
Sanni: You sexy Teutonic warrioress...You must have read my mind. I saw your tag and will work on it soon. Glad you're back.
Allie: I am so glad to know that our relationship is built upon not only respect but disgust as well. Kiss me you fool.
good job I didn't try this streaming thing today. Tossing your cookies sounded like a masturbation technique to me and pulled pork is surely the end result. As for peking duck...
... the less said the better. Moving right along what kind of a perversion is lemon aid does it have anything to do with grinding your organ, that sounds painful. Whose muff is the man in anyway?
Change that cream cheese (you do realize its really whipped up chemicals that approximate a lard based cream, yes?) and replace it with a whippy peanut butter cream and you can be a Funny Bone! I think thats right up your alley, yes???
ok..trying to make my way through and i have a week of comments...
1) What happened with Ryno????
2) Jerry Fallinawell: the phrase "good riddance to bad rubbish" kept playing in my brain
3) It is ridiculous what they are doing. You can't go to an outdoor stadium to watch your favorite team...ummm folks WE ARE OUTDOORS!
4) RembMatt... Leonardo di Mattchi...Mattcasso...your art skills are divine
5) You birdy friend reminded me of this... "a little bird with a yellow bill came over and sat on my windowsill. I lured him in with a piece of bread and then I smashed his freakin head." thank you..two shows tonight...
6) the translation as far as I can tell was "Matt, remember to pull your shorts down when sitting on the toilet drunk.
7) you know you have to COOK the pork before you eat it--right?
Good weekend my friend.
Free bird!
Boxers? Is that as enticing as Scmoop's robe?
Pulled pork through the nostrils
Tip toe through the tulips
Ukeleles and Tiny Tim
Tiny bubbles
Inky's got tiny.. um..
Big butt pigeon holes?
Rainbow butt monkeys...
New names for bands? I can't believe a band is actually called Rainbow Butt Monkey... actually I can. I'm just annoyed I didn't think of it.
Have a rip roaring good weekend!
Oh dear. I've been lulled into a false sense of security and have forgotten the basic rules of reading here.
Never, under any circumstances, should I take a drink and read anything written here.
Excuse me while I get a towel and wipe up.
Cathy: Didnt that feel good to just let your inner questioner flow? Cheers!!
Kim: Peanut Butter eh? A Nutty Butter Funny Bone!!
Bond: I appreciate the thought and detail that you put into your Friday comment. So much so, I may read it next time. Cheers!!
Anndi: I understand your annoyance. I was pissed that someone came up with name Van Halen for a band. Brilliant!!
Travis: Anytime someone spews while reading my post,I consider it a good day. Thanks!!
Hammer: Bird of Paradise
I must admit it had a certain allure.
Post a Comment