Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiday so wring me out like a dirty sponge, cause’ I’m off today and soakin’ up life, Bitches!!

The ol’ “Top Hat” thingy that BP wanted to use to stop the oil flow on the fucked up rig isn’t going to work. No problem...

I have the solution to getting rid of the oil from the gulf and plugging the well.

Let’s soak up the oil spill with a giant ShamWow. It’ll soak the spill up faster than Rosie O’Donnell lapping up gravy from a bowl.

Then, we could plug the actual leak by tossin’ that hooker beatin’ ShamWow spokesguy into the leaky pipe. I’m a fucking genius.

Wooly Bully….Wooly Bully. Ha. Sam ShamWow and the Pharaohs. Wooly Bully.

Son of a Bitch, I just had a moustache whisker pulled out my face when I took a sip from my beer can.

What a wicked pisser. The other day I burned my damn finger. I went to take my smoke from my mouth and it stuck to my lip and my fingers slid down the cigarette to the burning head. Ouch. Ha…burning head.

Reminds me of the time I contracted gonorrhea. Just kidding. Never had gonorrhea. That I know of. Wooly Bully. Speaking of cigarettes, I need a smoke.

Mmmmmmm, so good and good for me. Chock full of that much needed tar that my body yearns for. Ha. I love the Ally Bank commercials.

Just saw the egg management fee one. Egg Management fee. Hee Hee. My kid loves those ads as well. He’s into baby jokes now.

On the way to school Thursday, Ryno asked me, “What’s the difference between a baby and an onion? I don’t cry when I chop up babies.”

Ha. I was laughing my ass off because he couldn’t stop laughing. I so love my little freak.

Wooly Bully…duh duh Wooly Bully. I may clean my closet out today after I get back from my walk to the Beer Mine this morning.

Of course, I’ve been threatening to clean it out for the last three Fridays. Corky will be pissed if I do. She likes to sleep in there. But I must. I must. I must increase my bust. Mmmmmm, tits.

I hope I get to play with Schmoop’s tits when she gets home tonight. I like her boobies. They’re like muskmelons. Well, muskmelons with nipples. She has a nice ass too.

It’s not big, but when I smack it, it makes the most amazing sound. It has a musical quality about it. It’s like her ass is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir of asses. Hallelujah and A-Fucking-Men!!

Having sex with Schmoop always reminds me of Geometry class. I can be on top of her and next thing I notice is that her legs are stretched out like a perfect 180 degree angle. And then…

Before I know it, she’ll have her uber-smooth legs and ankles all mismangled up behind her ears forming a prototypical rhombus. I’m going to start calling her, Euclid.

Damn straight. At some point tonight, I’m going to stick my postulate into her theorem and prove that hot sex is good for body, soul, AND mind. Eureka!! Oh wait...

Archimedes said that, not Euclid. Eh, what?

Eureka…isn’t that what a dago says when he thinks someone smells bad? Wooly Bully.

Okay kidz…My stream is drying up, so I must be off to…well, to do whatever.

Have a wonderful Friday all, and if you can, get hot and perpenDICKular with someone.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiday so slap me on the ass and call me Sally, ‘cause I’m off today and I’m feeling pretty.

Have to walk up to the Beer Mine and get my check this morning. I like the walk. I enjoy passing people and saying, “Hi” and smiling. It makes me feel good.

It’s going to be 80 today and Pizza Bill is working 10-9, so just like last Friday, I am putting out an Ass-Chap Alert. Da boy’s ass doesn’t take to the heat too well. My thumb nails need clipped.

Sent Doc some Grippo’s BBQ potato chips…I hope he got them. Love da Grippo’s. I just love to eat, period. I think I’m making hamburgers for Schmoop and I tonight.

Ha…my post yesterday talked about burgers but it wasn’t really about hamburgers. I was being metaphoric. I like saying that word…“metaphoric.”

I don’t like the word, sophomoric…or sophomore, for that matter. Why is there an o after the h? No one I know says, Soph-O-More. They and I say, Soph-More.

It’s like the word, February. Who pronounces the first r?

I don’t, and I was born in February. I don’t say Feb-Roo-Ary. I say, Feb-Yoo-Ary.

If you pronounce it, Feb-Roo-Ary, you are a pretentious fuck and I hate you….unless you pronounce it like that and happen to be a hot chick with big tits.

You know…I have a packet of Parmesan noodles and sauce that would go well with our fresh, hand made burgers. Love noodles. Any type, size, shape…noodles and I get along really well.

I have met so many cool people on my blog, Facebook, and Twitter. The majority are hot babes. I like that. I bet if I run into any of them I would get naked with them. Ha kidding…

Actually I would probably give them a fist bump. Odd huh?

I don’t know what it is. It just feels right when I run into a person that I like. I’m not trying to be hip or anything. Hmmmmm?

Okay, yes, definitely a fist bump…annnnnnnd thennnnn I’d have sex with my new found friends.

Egads…My balls itch. Does that mean visitors are coming? Ha…My balls itch and Pizza Bill is going to have a bad case of ass chap today. Just call us the Yeasty Boyz. Hee Hee.

There is a new President of Nigeria. His name is Goodluck Jonathan. What the fuck kinda name is that? President Jonathan?

How do you wish him well? Good luck, Goodluck. I’m serious…his first name is Goodluck. Wacky Nigerians.

Just saw Rachel Maddow on TV. She’s a lesbian. A big honkin’ lezzzzzbo.

While I dig watching two hot babes get it on for my viewing pleasure, I have never understood real lesbian couples.

How come two chicks get together because they don’t want to be with men, and oft times one of the chicks feels compelled to look, act, and dress like a dude? I never have understood that.

Speaking of women who look like guys, Keith Olbermann is an asshole.

Jesus…I am freakin’ horny. I need to get laid. I mean, sure my hand does well enough, but it has no tits. I really like tits….and noodles.

Have a wonderful Friday all, and Good luck, Goodluck.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiday so finger me like your keyboard and wrap your legs around my hard drive ‘cause I am singin’ in the Key of F5.

Damn right Bitches, I’m your personal refresh key so touch me…TOUCH ME!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

Bom bom feedle bom, and dosey doe in your underwear, I wanna dance dammit!! I’m off today. What to do? What to do?

I need to walk to the Beer Mine and get my check this morning. Nice day for a walk, partly cloudy and 80. Not too nice for Pizza Bill though. He’s working from 10-9 today. Ha.

Temps in the 80s and busy on a Friday at the Beer Mine. I’m putting out an Ass Chap Alert!! Don’t go near Pizza Bill today, Whoa Nellie…He will have a major case of Ass Chap today.

Bill will be sweating and yeastifying all over his ass and the rest of his nether regions. Poor fella. Ha!! Ass Chap, what a freak that boy be. And I call Pizza Bill a freak…

Hell, I commented to Evil Twins Wife that I have three testicles. I don’t, but the two I do have are huge.

They’re like super balls…especially when contrasted against my diminutive cock. But man, those boys can shoot gallons of spooge, and with force.

When I cum, it’s like someone stuck a pack of Pop Rocks and a dozen Alka-Seltzer tablets into a bottle of Pepsi. Whooooooooooosh. Old Faithful gots nothin’ on me. I’m Old Mattfull, Boo Yah!!

Shit…I should call Richard today. Haven’t talked to him in a couple of weeks. I bet the crazy bastard has another three dozen cats. He really needs to stop.

I should call my brother Marty too. Wow, what a fun day off.

My life sucks. After I get my check, I’m going to spend my time talking to a crazy old cat man, and my brother. Oh well, at least Marty is funny.

Maybe some hot chicks will want me to call them today, I mean I got nothing else to do. Drop me a line, Bitches…we’ll chat.

Ol’ Drive-By Mikey went mushroom hunting the other day. I wonder how the mushroom got its name. I mean, was it first discovered inside a room that was used by a sled dog trainer? Maybe I’ll Google that…or not.

Hankie Pankie…what a stupid term. Can one have Hankie without having Pankie? I guess it’s possible.

I mean, if I was looking at a picture of a hot chick and jacked off, I would be the only one doing anything and when I was done, I would definitely need a hankie…or a towel.

So yeah, I guess I could simply have Hankie.

I have an itch in my ear. I hate that. It’s too deep to get to without compacting all the wax into a brick. Dammit. Auuuugh. Annoying.

Now I’m all horny ‘cause I mentioned Hankie Pankie…Oh well. What? Ha…I should show my cock to everyone and I know a classic Inky and Lola that will show it…

Have a wonderful Friday all…let me refresh you if you’re bored today.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiday so slip me into a yellow raincoat and call me Noah, ‘cause we are gonna be getting buckets o’ rain today.

I am off today and have the car in order to run a couple of errands so I’ll be hydroplaning all over Bagwine today.

It sucks having the car on my days off because it means that I have to pick Schmoop up from work which in turn means I have to stay somewhat sober. God I hate that. Sobriety so harshes my reality.

If God was my co-pilot would he frown upon me copping a feel from a big titted flight attendant? I say no. I think he likes tits too.

If I was God, every chick would have ginormous boobs and I would have two dozen hands and a mouth that was not constricted by a jaw with a limited hinge. I’d have a mouth that could open up like a snake’s.

Speaking of snakes, there are some damn snakes in my life. Jay, Dana, Mrs. D, Mrs. JCC, Doc, Evil Twin’s Wife and others. I hate ‘em. Hate ‘em all. Those fuckers got me hooked on Twitter. I’m addicted to Twitter. I’m Twitterdicted!!

Bastards. Gonna keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dancing’ all through the night. I’m gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doing it riiiight. Those Brady kids were musical geniuses. Or would that be genii? I think technically the plural is genii but no one uses it.

Oh well…Jeebus Christ. If I have to sit through that damn Staples commercial where the guy screams, “Wow…That’s a low price!!!” again, I’m going to shove hot knitting needles into my ears until the drums burst. Oh the humanity!!

Speaking of ears…I can’t hear very well. Schmoop gives me shit about it all the time. I think maybe I don’t hear her because I willfully listen to only half of what the hell she says. But there are times when I think my hearing is going kaput.

Right after the volcano in Iceland blew its wad of liquid hot magma, I had the TV on and heard a reporter say, “Planes throughout Europe are being grounded due to a huge volcanic Ass Clown over the continent.”

I thinking…an ass clown over Europe? What the fuck? It wasn’t until I turned the sound up that I realized the reporter was saying, “ash cloud.” I was so bummed. Ouch. I just sneezed and think I may have pulled my groin. Damn.

Tim Tebow was drafted by the Denver Broncos. I wonder if he will cry as much in that high altitude. Maybe the high and dry altitude will dry up his tears. One can hope.

I’m craving a big thick hamburger.

I may have to hit Rally’s this weekend. A couple of Mushroom and Swiss burgers sound really good. Then again, well, oh hell I don’t know. What?

La la…When it’s time to change you’ve got to rearrange…who you are into what you wanna be. Man, I always wanted hose Jan Brady when I was a kid. Mike Brady of course, wanted to hose Peter. Go lay down Corky.

Anyhoo…I am out of here. If I’m not around it’s a-cause Ima doing my shit, or…because I’m wasting time on that damn Twitter. Fuckers.

Cheers!!

Streaming Fridays, Redux or Not?

I have been thinking about bringing back Stream of Consciousness Fridays. I kinda miss doing them. For those of you who do not know what I am talking about, I have an example.

The other night I came across this one from way back on August 10, 2007...

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiday so wrap me in a corn shuck and call me Matt-a-Zuma because I feel like a Hot Tamale today.

Great googly moogly, for some reason I am in a very good mood, and just in time for the weekend. Schmoop shaved her legs this morning which means someone is getting lucky tonight. I hope it’s me!!

I must have West Nile Virus because I have this incredible urge to build a pyramid and erect my own obelisk. King Matt-en-Khamen…Ahhhhhh don’t look now but my Karma just ran over my Dogma!! Classic.

President Bush is spending the rest of the month on a “working” vacation. What the hell does that mean?

Does that mean he is going to be lounging on his Spiderman pool floaty, sipping a Mai-Tai shouting out, “The economies does good…Let the surge work, and tell the reporters to stand back because it’s time for this muchacho to do a belly flop. Yeeeee Haaaa.”

Yo baby, big doings this weekend on the Bagwine site. I am so excited that the huge ass plantar wart on my foot is seeping faster than a New Orleans levee.

I shouldn’t tell you what’s going to go down but much like Nicole Richie after eating a hamburger, I can’t keep it inside of me.

Tomorrow I am going to post another installment of Inky and Lola. And sometime Sunday…hold on to your seats folks…I will be posting pictures of, and the process of, making (drum roll please) LOOSEMEAT SANDWICHES!!

Tell those amateurs who run Maid-Rite, to check it out and see how to make this Bagwine favorite the right way. Mmmmmm juicy beef. I need a drink…just Kool-Aid folks, really.

This week we were told that President Bush was treated in the past for Lyme Disease. I bet when the Doctors told him that he may have Lyme Disease, Dubya said, “Lyme Disease? Must have been all of them there Jell-O Shots I did last week…A ding dang do.”

I had an odd dream last night. I was standing next to Lindsay Lohan in front of Buckingham Palace. Maybe I dreamt it because I heard Fleetwood Mac on the radio yesterday…give it a second folks. Lalalalalalala Yippee!! Gronk. Good Kool-Aid, thanks Schmoop.

I wish I was a Jack-in-the-Box so everyday would be spent getting my wank cranked. Well, as long as I was sold at a sex toy party for hot, frustrated housewives.

Is it harmful to sleep in a blanket made from asbestos? All of my friends say no, and encourage me to do so. I think I’ll try it out.

Anyone up for a slumber party? I’ll bring the…Oh shit, I just heard on TV that Merv Griffin is in the hospital and in grave condition. Sounds like he may be in jeopardy.

On that rude note, I will bid you farewell. Make sure to stop by for the Loosemeat seminar this weekend. Speaking of weekends, enjoy yours. Spend it having pool sex atop a Spiderman floatation device.

Have a wonderful Thursday all; I only have to work 5-9 today. Praise Jeebus!!

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!! On Tuesday!!

I am tired and my mind seems to be bottled up so I guess I shall do something I haven’t in a quite awhile…

Pass me a glass of Rose and fire me up a smoke, ‘cause it’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiiiiiiday.

Okay it’s actually Tuuuuuuuesday, but what the hell.

My ribs are slowly getting better, but I tell ya. I never realized how painful it is to take a dump while nursing bruised ribs.

Holy Crap!! Flexing those bowel muscles can really put a hurt on a fella with bad ribs.

Hell, last Sunday I was painfully passing a steak dinner when I think I popped two of my bruised ribs and three sternocostal joints. Ohhhhh Baby!!

Eight days until my meatless Lent begins…Good thing I like yogurt…and beans…and watching Schmoop eat a footlong chili dog.

I love it when she dribbles chili down her chin. I like to lick it off, but alas my Meatlessness for the Messiah will prevent me from doing that.

Jeebus better damn well appreciate my sacrifice. I need a beer….and a smoke…hold on, folks. Ahhhhhhhh, zehr gut!!

Y’know...?

As Liberal as I am, I cannot stomach Keith Olbermann or Rachel Maddow.

I’d rather stick hot needles in my eyes than watch them.

And yet…I do. Go frickin’ figure. Maybe I’m a masochist. But, I don’t think I am. ‘Cause I haven’t been diggin’ the rib pain.

Let me double check…

Nope, I just punched myself in my bruised ribs and my tally whacker didn’t move.

I work today, and then off for three!! I decided I would use my days off to do something completely different…

Accomplish something!! I may even go to the grocery and stock up on Lent food.

Although, Schmoop did just buy me beans o’ plenty this past weekend.

Hell, the cabinet door keeps poppin’ open simply from the gas potential. It’s wacky!! Clang, Clang, Clang, went the trolley.

Okay that’s it for me…I’m exhausted and my stream grows weak. Oh wait!!

No, never mind…that was stupid anyway. Or was it? Hell, I don’t know.

I’m off to read some Jean Genet. I hope I don’t end up having gay, prison sex dreams as a result of it.

Cheers!!

Hodgepodgical Thursday

I had no fire in the belly or the typing fingers last night.

I am burnt out, and received some sad news yesterday, as well.

One of my Brothers-in-Law passed away late Tuesday night.

I don’t have many details yet, so for now, I will just say Rest In Peace.

I have been working everyday of late, and finally, I have today and Saturday off. I am happy.

In fact, I am going to make Black Bean Burgers tonight. Boo Yah!!

I wasn’t so happy, and was tired when I got home Wednesday night, so I did a short vlog.

Enjoy my first Vlog Noir…





As you can tell by now, I am not using the bold type. Do you like the non-bolded better? Please, tell me your opinion; I am but a simple Caveman Blogger.

I am somewhat Stream of Consciousnessing aren’t I? I really need to get more sleep.

Wow, my circadian cycle is fucked.

Yesterday was fun. All of the comments were really good. I appreciate that you guys took the time to turn my silly post into a debate.

It was an exchange that was quite well thought out by many of you. Thanks, that makes this shit worth while.

I have to go now, for I am very weary and in need of more drink. I’ll be up for awhile, but right now, for me, to think is to go kerflooey.

See? I have never used that word.

If you get a chance, go see Dana today…There may be a WIR reference on her HNT post today.

Sorry to let you down with today’s post, but much like War Hero McCain, I am suspending my operations until the financial crisis is solved.

And also like, John “I Flew Fighter Jets into Electric Wires” McCain, I am not involved because I am not on the Finance Committee. What an Ass-Clown he is.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiday so break out the Ben Gay ‘cause I am going to play basketball with my son sometime BEFORE I go to work tonight.

Holy Frijoles am I going to be sore tomorrow. My body will be stiff in every spot except where stiffness is of use to me. Nobody knows the troubles I see…

I can’t believe that Bernie Mac died at such a young age. And then the soulful Scientologist Isaac Hayes is picked up by the big spaceship. Yikes.

I heard that Hayes died from a stroke.

Won’t that be ironic if that is what one day takes the life of Clarence Carter? Strokin’ to the East, Strokin’ to the West, Strokin’ with St. Peter, makin’ one holy mess…I be Strokin!!

Flip flop…flip flop…goo goo goo. Mmmmmmm coffee. Need more. Sid is throwing up again, doesn’t it seem that Schmoop is always allegedly having her monthly visit.

I smell a cruel plot by her to keep me from violating her hoo-ha.

Or, maybe that smell indicates that her basement is actually flooding once again. Strokin’!! And in fact, that seems to be the case for the next few days.

Fox and Friends: Steve Doocy. Brian Kilmeade. Gretchen Carlson. Are there any three people sitting in the same place that are more vacuous than these three yay hoos? No, no I say!!

Dear God, they are awful. They make Bill O’Reilly appear thoughtful and intelligent.

I be strokin’!! Mmmmmmm, cigarette. I really should quit, but I so love the taste of tar in the morning. Be right back, I gots to pee. Ahhhhhh, much better.

Televangelist and wife of Joel Osteen, Victoria Osteen was cleared by a jury of assaulting a flight attendant. I took one thing away from the trial upon seeing Ms. Osteen on TV yesterday, and it’s this…

If she was made in God’s image, God must have one Huuuuuuuuuge Ass!!

Wow, Vicky, girl. Noah’s ark wasn’t as wide as your holy caboose. You’d better do something soon, ‘cause your trunk ain’t gonna fit through the pearly gates.

Amen, and Praise da Baby Jeebus.

Well, I must be off, for I must take Schmoop’s raggin’ ass to work. And then come back home.

Then I have to go to the grocery…and then come back home…then, off to see Ryno…and then to pick up Schmoop…then back home…and then go to work…and then back home.

I won’t know if I am coming or going today, but at least when I see the wet spot on my crotch I will no that I went…or something like that. There was a joke in all of that somewhere that I just couldn’t pull off.

Have a lovely Friday, all. As for me? I’ll be strokin’!!

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiday so pump the coffee in me and shoot me up with B12 ‘cause I have a hangover.

Wow, Thursday was full of drinks, nekkidness, and Hamburger Helper…All at the same time. Yowza.

Boy, John McCain is really slingin’ the mud at Barack Obama isn’t he?

I think McCain’s anger is going to result in his head blowing up prior to the election.

BOOM…Johnny Mac, we hardly knew ya. Jeez, I have some serious eye goo going on this morning. They are seeping.

Better my eyes seeping than my wee wee I guess. Got some new pics of Schmoop last night, Va va va Voom!! Rowwwr.

Got a call from my boss last night. I won’t go into the obscenely humorous comment he made but the bottom line is that, I don’t have to work Sunday.

I am so fan-damn happy. Now, I can celebrate the Sabbath with silent reflection, prayer, and several drunken games of Nude Twister.

There’s something in my pocket that should be on my face. Woop Woop Woop. Well, I married my dream girl; I married my dream girl.

I have a bit of the shakes this morning. But I didn’t know that her credit was bad. Man this coffee is goooood.

No, I can’t get a loan for a respectable home…I have to cut my stream short for I have to take the Schmoopster to work this morning.

Nothing worse than a short stream…well no stream at all would be worse I guess. Because my girl defaulted on some old credit cards.

So that’s it for today…Get down from there Corky!! Frickin’ cat was on the table cleanin’ her Hoo-Ha. Oy Vay, shamma lamma ding dang, and roll me in flea powder. What?

Okay kiddies, have a gr-- If I had gone to Free Credit Report dot com, um have a great Friday.

Until tomor- I’d be a happy bachelor with a dog and a yard…until tomorrow…

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiday so put a hook on my nose and pour me a Cosmopolitan; it’s time for the Sex and the City movie.

I really don’t understand the appeal of Sex and the City. All of the ladies in it are less than attractive.

Sarah Jessica Parker? Ick and Egads, I would rather have sex with Margaret Hamilton. Yes indeed, stuff my ding dong into the wicked witch herself.

That Parker chick is butt ugly. Zowie!! Kim Cattrall is kinda cute in the face, but age has not been kind to her and she has man hands and no breastesses.

Oh well, who am I to question the likes and dislikes of others? I’m Matt-Man, bitch…That’s Who!!

One thing I have heard surrounding the hoopla of the S&C movie release is a sex statistic.

The average woman will have sex with nine lovers over the course of her lifetime.

I asked Schmoop about her numbers. She came up with ten. Such a floozie. I then tried to recall my totals.

As best as I can recall, I have been with 28 different women. Of course, there are probably a half dozen others that I don’t remember because I was drunk out of my mind.

Wow, I really overslept. I was off yesterday and boy, did I woop it up.

I did laundry, cleaned the digs, took out the trash, and DRANK…Much. I also cooked bacon last night. Yum-Oh!!

I think the sarcasm and pornographic nature of my readers‘ comments are starting to rub off onto Schmoop. I sent her an email yesterday telling her what all I had done.

Y’know….the cleaning, the laundry, the promise of bacon. Here’s the email that I got back from her:

“Wow!!…Somebody is getting laid tonight. Guess who? ME! Hahahaha. Bacon and Bangin’…Bacon and Bangin’”

I love it when she acts like such a minx.

Yesterday, I developed a most painful paper cut type of the thing on my left index finger. And me being Einstein, I ate potato chips in spite of it.

Nothing like dipping your hand into a bag of salty chips with a cut on your finger. Damn, that hurt. And yet…I did it over and over.

Screw waterboarding…If you want info from a terrorist, slice his finger and shove it into a bag of Sour Cream and Onion potato chips.

Well, since I did everything yesterday, other than doing the dishes, I have nothing on my agenda until I go to work at five tonight.

I think I am picturing a day filled with exercising my groin and prostate muscles as I watch internet porn.

Care to join me?

Have a wonderful Friday and a lovely weekend. Spend it having hot sex with the Wicked Witch of the West, and Toto too.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiday so melt my core and fill me with helium because I feel like a lead balloon..

The day is gray and so is my tongue. I really need to quit smoking.

My big toe hurts, no not that one, the other one. Yeah, that one.

I have to work 5-9 tonight. Friday nights are pretty decent to work.

Last Friday I got 18 dollars in tips, phone numbers from two chicks, and a loving gaze from a gay man who obviously has impeccable taste.

I am off tomorrow, but unfortunately I think I am laying down a truck load of mulch.

Ironic, putting down yards of mulch at a house in which I no longer live. I care to a fault.

My right nipple is hard and yet the left one is not. Is that normal? Am I normal? Hmmmmm.

I got an email from an old girlfriend the other day. She told me that I am lame. Ahhhh, it was like old times. Thanks Sherri!!

My son and I are having a Batting Cage challenge soon. I think I can take him in spite of my advanced years.

I’ll use a corked bat. I wonder if I could cork my wee wee? Y’know provide myself with a little extra “pop”.

I have Elvis songs going through my head ever since I posted that HNT picture yesterday.

I keep picturing myself naked as I sing, “In the Ghetto”. Wow, that is a disturbing image…And his mama criiiiied.

I need to come up with an Inky and Lola for tomorrow. They have been a couple of slackers of late, but man, Lola does have great tits.

I am starting to feel better now. This stream has really been quite cathartic. I like that word, “cathartic”.

Cuhhhhhh-Tharrrrrr-Tic, c’mon say it with me. Cuhhhh-Tharrrr-Tic. Ahhhh, feel better?

Okay, my stream is running dry now. I guess I’ll just hang out and read some blogs now.

Have a wonderful Friday all, and a great weekend.

I wish you all a fun-filled two days full of ice cold libation and steamy, hot sex.

I’ll have plenty of libation, but alas Aunt Flo is visiting, so no sex for me this weekend. Unless, I get lucky at work tonight.

I wonder what that gay guy is doing?

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiday so deepen my voice, dress me in a 70’s pantsuit, and call me Maude ‘cause I am in a relatively bad mood.

Much like Kramer from Seinfeld, I have an internal alarm clock beyond reproach, but this morning it didn’t go off.

Son of a Bitch…

There are few things in life that really tick me off, but waking up late is one of them. Man I gots lots o’ shit to do today.

I have to do some runnin’ around this morning.

I have to put together something for Vinny’s Site for Monday, and ruminate over the big happenings forthcoming next week.

Boy Howdy!! Next week is HUGE. Palm Sunday Church Disservice…St. Patty’s Day…Our favorite Messiah gets nailed to a Cross on Friday..and…

I’m forgetting something...um…oh yeah!!

Thursday, I will be putting something special into your Easter baskets during a very creepy special Half Nekkid Thursday, The Easter Edition.

Mmmmm the coffee is helping. Did you see the pics of the hooker that Eliot Spitzer spent thousands of dollars on to sleep with?

She’s pretty hot, but c’mon…Five Grand for some nookie?

All I have to do is keep the house clean, make Schmoop a fresh, hand-made cheeseburger, and she’ll have me screamin’ “Praise Jeebus” in no time.

Better still, I’ll be able to lick burger grease from her chin while bringin’ in my dogie. Ride Me Cowgirl!!

Okay, my bad mood is starting to subside a little, as is my use of foul language, dammit. Boo Yah!! Clicky Clack, Clicky Clack.

I’m having my personal stylist completely shave my head next Saturday…

On Easter Morning, I will wake up with a smooth head in honor of The Resurrection. I will then proceed to eat mucho meat-o.

If you leave me now…You take away the biggest part of me…Oooooo ooooo oooo baby please don’t go. I hate Chicago.

I guess I better get this party wound down, because I have to shave, read some bathroom material, and take a shower.

I am in such a hurry this morning, that I better fantasize about Jessica Alba, rather than Barbara Bush while washing my wanker.

No time to spare my friends…

If I don’t respond to your comments right away or get around to your blogs this morning, it just means that I am absent.

Absent in a physical sense, not my typical, absent in a moral and mental sense.

Enjoy your Friday folks, see ya ‘round later and over the weekend.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiday so turn back the clock and rip my clothes off, ‘cause I want it to be Half Nekkid Thursday every day of the week.

Yep, I had to do an installment of Stream of Consciousness Friday today.

My mind is overflowing with thoughts and emotions that I haven’t had in weeks.

My first ever Half Nekkid Thursday post that I put up yesterday was quite a hit.

It elicited the most comments I have ever gotten since I began blogging a little less than two years ago.

A large portion of the visitors came via the site belonging to the Uber-Hot Dana.

Thanks Much, dear. I guess you are kinda like my pimp now.

Who knew that pictures of me, scantily clad, would set the internets ablaze in an inferno of passion, eroticism, and in many cases, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Bow Chicka Wow Wow, and a slap on the ass to me, bitches.

Just think…If I had the rugged, yet cosmopolitan sex appeal of say Richard Gere, rather than the sex appeal of Richard Nixon, I may have doubled or even tripled the number of comments.

I may have even gotten emails from women begging me to have sex with them.

Instead, the only emails I received were from Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family and Pope Blitzkrieg Benny, asking me to cease and desist or burn in hell.

Oh, I did get one message asking me to put up pics of me entirely naked.

It came from a correctional facility in Alabama from someone named “Prison Bitch Daddy.”

PBD, maybe next time, if you ask nicely rather than threatening to impale me with your, as you called it, “Juggernaut of Justice”, I might oblige you.

Damn. Sweet Baby Jeebus, my hands are so frickin’ dry from the winter weather. They’re cracking…and this time it’s the tops of my hands. and not my palms.

My palms are usually quite calloused and…Holy Octo-Legged Ooo Ooo…There is a huge ass spider crawling on the wall. Hold On.

Ha. Smashed him flatter than Ariel Sharon’s brain wave activity. Take that Mr. Arachnid.

It’s nice to do a stream again...

But I can’t always do one on Fridays any longer, because I’ll be doing Half Nekkid Thursdays (and boy do I have a doozy for next week) from now on as well.

I certainly don’t want each of my daily posts to be restricted to a certain theme. Because, when you label me; you negate me.

Ask any tiny, lonely, unpurchased can of Potted Meat if that ain’t the truth. Boy Howdy!!

Well folks, that’s it for today. Thanks to everyone, and especially the new visitors, who stopped by yesterday to delight in my hotness.

Enjoy your weekend and I’ll see ya tomorrow, horny and hung over as always.

Cheers!!

Boredom, Cave Sex, and Candle Wax

It’s Stream of Reality Friiiiiday. Yeah, that’s what I said.

No, not Stream of Consciousness Friday. Why, you ask? ‘Cause I got nothing.

Nothing…nada…zip.

I have to take my son to school, pick him up this afternoon, and take him home, but other than that…not so much.
It appears that today I will be one big flesh ball of inertia.

I can’t clean the digs, because I did my naked house cleaning yesterday. I should really have remembered to shut the blinds, but mistakes happen.

For that, I want to publicly apologize for the visual holocaust experienced by Mr. Tomlin who was taking his afternoon walk past my window while I was vacuuming in the buff. Sorry guy.

I guess I could take 10 minutes and cut my toenails today. The claws on the big toes are getting a bit lethal. Maybe I’ll paint them as well, at least that will kill an additional 15 minutes.

Lessee, what else could I do?

The cat has been kinda pissin’ me off of late. Maybe I’ll rearrange the furniture while she is sleeping. She hates when that happens.

When she wakes up and things are moved around, it’s like her entire universe has been disrupted…she freaks.

I have a Blues song that I could put music to. It’s called, “Pass Me the Bleu Cheese Dressing for My Salad, Low Down Lenten Blues”. Long on title, short on funny. I am at a loss…*sigh*.

I could fire up my Yahoo Messenger and troll for some hot babe with which to have cyber sex. Trust me, I look sexy on the internets.

Chicks virtually dig me…well, until I get too excited, start typing too fast, and prematurely shoot a load of e-spooge all over my keyboard.

From that point in the conversation, the women think I am ignoring them, when in actuality my keys are just stuck together and I am unable to type.

It’s funny how my cyber sex life mirrors my real life sex life.

Any ideas on how I should spend my Friday?

I guess I could read my Bible. I always keep it marked on Genesis 19: 30-38.

I love reading about Lot’s daughters getting Dad all drunked up, and then getting their Sodomite freak on with him.

I do love me some Heavenly Inspired, Cave Sex Incest Porn.
Maybe I’ll just lay on the couch in my underwear and watch The View.

Those idiots make me feel so much better about myself. Plus, I often fantasize about getting naked with Barbara Walters, and teasing her with ice cubes and hot candle wax.

I just noticed something. When I get bored I think about sex quite a bit, don’t I? Sorry about that…

Well, if you have any ideas for me, let me know.

I really need to get a fire lit under me, and more importantly, I need to quit fantasizing about Barbara Walters. It's just not healthy.

Happy Friday.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiday so wrap me in a parka and stuff warm biscuits down my pants, because it is colder than Dick Cheney’s soul here today.

It is 1 degree outside. One. We don’t even have degrees. We have degree, singular.

No warmth to share with ya here folks, because we only have One Measly Degree and we are clinging on to it like grim death. Brrrrrr.

Schmoop has been begging me all week to make her happy in a way that only I can. She wants me to put a big smile on her face. That type of smile that happens perhaps only once a year.

Well this stud is acquiescing this morning, and giving her figures a good working over.

That’s right, the Matt-Man is e-filing her taxes this morning, and getting her that return she so richly deserves. Bow Chicka Wow Wowwwww.

And yeah, I’ll be doing it naked. After all, it is also Cleaning Day Friday, and you know how I like to vacuum in the buff.

Talk about a good sleepi----Ewwww. What the hell is that?……Man, that’s disgusting. Did I really do that? I think mayb---Oh well.

Anyway, talk about a good sleeping aid. Move over, Ambien and all of you other sleep drugs. I watched the first 15-20 minutes of the Republican Presidential debate last night. I think it ranked second only to Ny-Quil in its ability to knock my ass into somnolent submission.

I fell asleep to the sounds of blah blah blah. I woke up at about 1 A.M. My head was contorted, my mouth agape, and drool cascading down my chin. I wasn’t sure if I was unconsciously impersonating John McCain or Rudy Giuliani.

FOX’s John Gibson is an asshole, not to mention incredibly dim-witted.

My Presidential campaign received its first endorsement late yesterday. I formally received the support of the Congenial and Loyal Alliance of Prostitutes with Prosthetics. Better known as CLAPP. Thanks ladies…and guy.

Man, I have a craving for a Crunchy Gordita. La la la la la la la Bamba. I wonder if the Aztecs ate Burrito Supremes. Yo Quiero, Montezuma?

I mean, sacrificing a virgin can work up a hunger up in a guy. I bet they would kill a chick, say hey to the Gods, and then pile into a cart and head over to Tenochtitlan Bell.

I need another cup of joe. Mmmmmmm zehr gut. Fellow Ohioan, Dennis Kucinich-D, has dropped out of the Presidential Primary.

Instead of running around the country and shaking hands with strangers, Kucinich can resume banger and mashing his hot British babe of a wife. I declare K-Man, the real winner.

Well folks the stream is drying up. Enjoy your weekend. Spend it banger and mashing a prostitute who wears prosthetic legs. Don’t just spread em’, take em’ clear off.

Stop by tomorrow to find out who is the winner of the coveted Bagwine Ruminations Comment of the Week.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream Of Consciousness Friiiiiiiday so put me in panties and take my picture, because I have a gift of campaign love for you all.

I was taken aback by the requests from some of my readers asking for a picture of me wearing the panties that were in the picture of my closet that I displayed on my post yesterday.

Oh sure, I was flattered, but more than that, it confirmed something that I had suspected for quite some time…

Boy Howdy, you guys are a bunch of sick, sado-masochistic, sunzabitches!!

Today I am sending out a blast email to about 100 newspapers, cable news outlets, and radio stations announcing my candidacy for President of the United States.

I am hoping for some positive feedback. What the hell, I have just as much chance of winning as Ron Paul, Denny Kucinich, Duncan Hunter, or Fred Thompson. Zzzzzzzzzz thud wap!!

Man, I have a craving for a fried bologna sandwich. Have you ever had fried bologna? Yum-Oh!! If I make one, I’ll take pictures. Yeah, I know you’re thrilled about that. Love, love, love plus one. Haircut 100, what a band.

I miss eating peanut butter toast and drinking chocolate milk while watching Bugs Bunny on Saturday mornings. I must have pulled a muscle in my back it’s killing me. I may have strained it while trying to drop a load after eating a meal of dry pancakes, a bowl of oatmeal, and corn on the cob. Zowie!!

It’s gonna get cold here this weekend…lows around zero and highs in the mid-teens. Brrrrrrrr. My weekend will be spent with goose bumps and significant shrinkage. Time to burrow Mr. Wee-wee!! When is William Shatner going to get that lifetime achievement Oscar that he so richly deserves?

One of the things I forgot to disclose about my past yesterday was my support of the Irish Republican Army. Don’t worry; that was some years ago, and my support was limited to drinking Jameson’s, eating corned beef, pissing on a picture of Margaret Thatcher, and then taking a crap and wiping my ass with a homemade Oliver Cromwell hand puppet. Erin Go Braugh!!

Wow…I just sneezed a big one. It cleared my head, but I think I pulled my groin. Aggggggggh, that’s not good. Damn…no sex for me this weekend, sorry hand.

Why is it that networks will air commercials for Viagra, but not for condoms? Before you know it, there is going to be an epidemic of the sixty plus crowd contracting syphilis and the clap.

Yuck. I’m sure a sixty year old pecker is disturbing looking enough, but add a gooey green discharge and some seeping chancres to the shaft of a sextagenarian, and we’re talking Dork of the Living Dead!!

Well folks I hope you have a good weekend. Spend it eating fried bologna and pissing all over a picture of Margaret Thatcher.

Oh one more thing…As requested, below is a picture of me in the Bagwine colored panties. Enjoy!!

Being the nice guy that I am, I put them on backwards so my junk wasn't hangin' out.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream Of Consciousness Friiiiiiiday so put a light bulb over my head and call me Thomas Edison because I dreamed up a very important invention.

I had a dream that I was showing one of my older brothers, John, my latest invention.

What was it you ask? A Solar Powered Milk Pitcher. That’s right, I was thinking WTF, myself.

I still had to pour it myself, so I have no idea in hell what part of the pitcher required solar power. Strange.

I guess it does show that I think outside the box. Or perhaps, it proves that I should be locked up in a box. I am typing this dressed only in a towel. Does that make you randy? Does it baby?

I watched the Republican Debate last night…Fred Thompson was taking stabs at my man crush Mike Huckabee.

Watch out Fred. You mess with the Huckster, you’re not only messin’ with The Almighty; you’re messin’ with the Matt-Man, Bitch!! I cut you, man…I cut you. Boo Yah and Rikki Tikki Tavi. It’s Friday, which means it is cleaning day here again. Where’s my feather duster?

My stream is weak today. Maybe I need to start taking FloMax. I need to do an Inky and Lola for tomorrow. They have been strangely absent of late. I wonder if they have been off having stick figure sex.

Ryno’s basketball team won last night 44-13. The little man played pretty well.

Well…That’s exactly what this country needs. We need a little girl to fall down a well, and televise the rescue. Nothing would bring the country together like another little Jessica McClure trapped in a well.

This time we could fill the well with scorpions or Larry King's white, corner of the mouth speech spittle to make it more frightening and emotionally troubling.

The only man who could ever reach me was an Arkansas preacher man. Three and a half weeks until I go meatless for Lent. Most women tell me that I have gone meatless throughout my life. Should I take that as an insult?

The only man who could ever teach me, was an Arkansas preacher man.

Thanks to those of you who have sent me a brief review of my site. I have been inundated with “love”. If you haven’t sent me one, please do. Your feedback is crucial to my affirmation.

And he’s Huck, he’s Huck, he’s Huuuuuuck. I sense a new Huckabee love song in the works. Ouch, damn it. Nevermind, I’m okay.

Well folks, I hope you all of have a lovely weekend. Spend it finding a cute little girl that we can thow down a well. I’ll try to find out where the hell Inky and Lola have been.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiiday so pull my lever and dangle my chad; the Iowa Caucuses are over and the New Hampshire primary is just four days away.

What a wacky cockuss it was last night in Iowa. There were big winners, big losers, and plenty of corn.

Barack Obama convincingly defeated John Edwards and Hillary Clinton. What does this mean?

In addition to Obama, the big winners are anti-status quo Americans, and Jim Bob “Kitten Killer” Pernell, the membership director for the KKK.

The big losers? Hillary, the party establishment, and Bull Connor. On the Repub…Today is “Clean the House in the Nude Day.”

I’ll take pictures, post them, and see if you guys are able to determine which is the vacuum attachment and which is my tally whacker. I had hamburgers last night.

Where was I? Oh…On the Republican side, Mike Huckabee trounced Mitt Romney, and the rest of the field. God’s light was shining down on the Huckster last night, or was that the light of The Almighty laughing his Supernatural ass off?

The big winners in addition to the Huckster were, Evangelicals, coat hangers, and Chuck Norris’ career. The losers? Mitt Romney, impregnated rape/incest victims, and common sense.

My man Joe Biden did much better than I thought he would; he got 1% of the vote. Needless to say, he has now dropped out. Britney!! Drunk and Drugged again!! Taken to the hospital!! Loses custody again!!

Man, I love the chick’s consistency. What a moron. She’s as sharp as the leading edge of a rolling ball bearing. Acorns have an interesting shape.

I can’t remember the last time that I had lint in my belly button. Odd. Lint…Lent starts with Ash Wednesday on February 6th, one day before my birthday. I only have a few meals left before I give up meat for 46 days. Can’t wait to feast on a dinner of Butter Beans and Cottage Cheese…Yum-Oh!!

I may write a new song today about Mike Huckabee…I hope he stays in contention because he is fun to mess with. Yep, I’ll definitely be raggin’ on hymn.

Man, I’m going to be 43 next month. I now walk around the abode and get carpet burns on my balls because they hang so low. Just call me Hot Sack Matt.

I hope you guys are funnier today than you have been this week, because tomorrow I’ll be announcing the Comment of the Week, better known as COW…The “the” is silent. That’s all I have today, that’s all there is, there isn’t anymore.

Enjoy your weekend. Spend it eating a bowl of Butter Beans while picturing me vacuuming nekkid.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiday so put a bottle of Korbel in my hand and a diaper on my ass, it’s almost New Year’s Eve.

I remember a New Year’s party a few years ago that my brother Party Marty threw...

We were all having a blast…eating, drinking, singing, and playing poker. And then a friend, Tone, fell into, and knocked the damn Christmas Tree over. Dumbass.

It was a live tree and the holder was full of water and tree preservative. It ran all over the floor, and that preservative stuff congealed onto the carpet. It looked like a big pool of cum forming a moat around the tree trunk. Hmmmm? A cum moat?

Maybe we could put a moat full of schmegma on our border with Mexico to dissuade aliens from crossing. But we can’t use just anyone’s love liquid, we need to fill the moat with Dick Cheney’s carnal cream. That’ll keep em’ out. I bit all my fingernails off last night. My big toe hurts.

Lalalalalala…Bagwine sympathies go out to the family and followers of former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. She was assassinated yesterday. I really liked her. In spite of corruption allegations, she was smart, articulate, and in her day, pretty damn hot. Now she’s dead….people suck. Don’t they Corky?

Is Canada really a country, or is it really some type of group home for the stupid? I’ll do the research and get back with ya on that. When I think about you, I touch myself…I touch myself. Ha, that applies to most of my readers. Y’all are sexy!! Gronk, gronk, gronk, and pee in the shower. What?

I need to get more coffee, be right back bitches…Ahhhhhhh, much better. Any big plans for New Year’s Eve? We’re just hanging out at home, which isn’t always safer than going out. One New Year’s Eve at the Bagwine digs, Schmoop got toasted, started dancing, and smashed her head into the window.

On the floor lay a big pile of glass chards and what was left of her dignity. Not Pretty!! That would never happen to me…I have no dignity. Bada Bing and Yo Yo Ma.

While typically a humble guy, when it comes to my writing and comedic talents I have a pretty big ego. I will painfully admit however, yesterday I came across a blog that is far funnier than mine. If you want to check it out, click HERE.

Well I must end this stream because I have a stream of coffee of which to dispose. Enjoy your weekend all. Spend it drinking Champagne while swimming in a moat full of jack-off jelly.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiiiiiday so bring me a Vodka Martini and a bottle of aspirin because I have a hangover. Not an alcohol induced hangover, but a bad night of sleep hangover.

I just didn’t sleep very well. I think it was due to the dream I had.

I dreamed that I was inside a coliseum made of ice and snow and was being chased by a Polar Bear. In the stands sat Santa Claus butt ass nekkid.

Two elves were rubbing his jolly jewels and stroking his Holiday hose while Santa laughed and devoured a huge slab of prime rib.

Just as the bear was about to eat me, I woke up because my cat, Corky, had hopped on me and landed right on my bladder. I peed all over myself, the couch, AND the cat. The couch is clean and I am clean, but the cat is still a mess.

I tried removing the effects of the urinary shower from her by rolling her in Baking Soda. The smell is gone but the Baking Soda is stuck to her like Super Glue. Poor Corky looks like a rabid, albino raccoon. She is displeased with me I think. It’s almost Christmas!!

I would like to wake up Christmas morning and find Tyra Banks and Jessica Alba naked and dripping in oil under my tree. Put me in between them and there you have it, a Matt-Man sandwich.

Tyra, Jessica, work me over so I can squirt some mayonnaise all over this yuletide feast. Clang, clang, clang went the trolley!!

My Christmas rebuttal ad towards Mike Huckabee has been viewed over 1,800 times over at You Tube. And the hateful and hurtful comments continue to be posted (link). I have learned my lesson. When using the Baby Jesus in a piece of satire, be prepared to be inundated by a whole lot of stupid.

Hell, if these same people really want to be offended they should watch my videos The Resurrection and Nazarean Dandy. Those two are sure to become Lenten classics. For those of you new to my site, I give up eating meat for the forty some days of Lent and tend to have severe hallucinations.

This past year, just prior to Easter, and the end of my meatless journey, I had such a hallucination. Jesus appeared to me and started telling me a joke about a priest, a rabbi, and the Olsen twins.

We started laughing our asses off. May not seem that funny, but as I was standing at the counter at McDonald’s trying to order a fish sandwich when this happened…it’s a bit odd.

Britney Spears’ 16 year old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant. Pro-Life advocates everywhere are probably questioning their position on abortion, while Pro-Choice advocates are saying, “There’s still time…” Boom chocka locka…Boom chocka locka.

My stream has run dry for today. Enjoy your weekend, spend it eating a Quarter Pounder Value Meal with the Almighty.

Cheers!!