Matt-Man Goes Vegetarian!!?

I think vegetarians may be on to something. Eating animals and their by products is pretty damn disgusting. I have come across this line of thinking after being subjected to the latest samples of my bowel movements (or should that be cow movements?).

I won’t go into detail about what they looked like but they have been incredibly disturbing looking. I will say though I should have taken a picture of the last movement because it looked like a scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream covered in rainbow sprinkles. Timothy Leary never saw anything like that while doing acid. My latest discharges have given me pause to re-evaluate my eating habits.

I have begun to think about how nasty it is to eat an animal. Seriously, I eat chicken eggs. An egg is a potential cute little baby chick. And yet I crack the life protecting shell and fry it in butter with salt and pepper. Poor baby chick, so cute until it is disintegrated by my digestive juices. Can you imagine what that little chick looks like in my stomach!? I don’t want to.

It gets better though, after I eat baby chick-chick, I head to the local KFC and eat a bucket of her family members that made it past the egg stage. Wings, breasts, thighs, even their livers, I want to chow down on all of those decapitated body parts. Dick Cheney is a type of chicken (albeit a rotund one) can you imagine eating his body parts? I hope to God you can’t!!

Burgers and steaks, Yum-Oh, right? Oh sure, it’s all fun until someone loses an eye, and a poor stupid cow loses everything after getting knocked on the head with a 20 pound sledge hammer. After Elsie gets skinned to provide Derek Jeter with a new baseball glove, she gets drawn and quartered to provide me with oral sensation. Hell folks, some people will eat a cows testicles. We’re talking balls people, cow nuts!! Don’t get me wrong I enjoy tea bagging a hooker as much as the next guy, but would that hooker or anyone else, other than Jeffrey Dahmer, feel a craving to EAT my balls!!? Of course, not.

Don’t even get me started on how disgusting it is eating pig parts. Boiled swine brains, pork butt, sausage, bacon, and even their damn intestines. It’s frickin’ gross, and I am sure it’s not good for me or anyone. Pigs spend their days standing in mud and their own urine, and yet, I eat them. Somebody stop me!!

All because I have just happened to catch a glimpse of my latest toilet treasures I am on the verge of giving up SPAM, loose meat sandwiches, and becoming a vegetarian. So vegetarians of the world I would like to join your community, but I just thought about it and even with all of the points I just noted, meat is just too God Damn delicious…

With all of that said, somebody light up the Barbie, I like my bratwurst burnt and my ribeye rare. Cheers!!