Bill O'Reilly: Spinnin' At Sylvia's

“I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronship…There wasn’t one person in Sylvia’s who was screaming, “M-Fer, I want more iced tea.”

--Bill O’Reilly on Dining with Al Sharpton at Sylvia’s Restaurant in Harlem

A big brouhaha has developed over the above remarks uttered by Bill O’Reilly. Cries of racism are ringing throughout the media world, and folks are piling on O’Reilly faster than a pack of dingoes on a bloodied bandicoot.

Being a big fan of O’Reilly because of his unintended comedic value he stops things from spinning, I invited Bill to be interviewed by Bagwine Ruminations so he could get his side of the story out. Following is the transcript of the aforementioned interview…

Matt-Man: Welcome to Bagwine Ruminations Mr. O’Reilly.

O'Reilly: Thanks. You should be glad to have me.

Matt-Man: Let’s cut to the chase. Rick Sanchez of CNN, Keith Olberman of MSNBC, and others are jumping all over you for your alleged racist statements in reference to eating at Sylvia’s Restaurant. What’s the real deal?

O’Reilly: Listen…What I said was NOT racist. I was pointing out to my millions of listeners that black people are just like us, and that they are NOT representative of the hip hop culture promoted by Ludacris and 50 Cent. The looney left-wing media outlets are portraying it as something sinister.

Matt-Man: I think most people realize that 50 Cent and Ludacris aren’t representative of the majority of blacks in this country, much like Dick Cheney is not (fortunately) representative of most whites. Couldn’t you have just stated that?

O’Reilly: Matt, my viewers and listeners are much smarter than the average American. Sure, they may eschew their common sense and accept every word I say without question, but they also demand concrete, first hand evidence. That is why I once again demonstrated my typical selflessness by dining at Sylvia’s.

Matt-Man: The extremes that you will go in order to get the facts are simply amazing.

O’Reilly: Indeed, and the oddballs on the left forget that this isn’t the first time I’ve done something like this. Back in 1999, I dined with the last known living relative of Montezuma at a Mexican restaurant.

Matt-Man: Really!? Why did you do that and what happened?

O’Reilly: I wanted to prove to right thinking Americans that the Hispanic culture wasn’t defined by Erik Estrada and Menudo. We, I forget if his name was Pedro or Quetzalcoatl, ate at a place called Taco Bell. I couldn’t get over the fact that it was like any other white eatery. I ate a burrito which, if you don’t know, is like a Mexican falafel, and we, you know, had a good time.

Matt-Man: How were the people?

O’Reilly: I was blown away. The folks working there were incredibly Caucasian looking. They even had American sounding names such as Hank and Tiffany. There weren't 16 people to a table and I didn’t hear anybody say, “Gringo Go Home” or “M-fer, I want more Agua.”

Matt-Man: Amazing. Before we go, is there anything else that surprised you about your dining experience at Sylvia’s?

O’Reilly: Just a couple of things. I was amazed how many of the black folks passed on the Fried Chicken and Watermelon platter, and opted for the Meat Loaf Dinner. It was strikingly American. And the last thing, if my viewers want to patronize Sylvia’s, the staff actually knows what a credit card is and they know how to process your bill with them. Black folks are really making strides.

Matt-Man: Well Mr. O’Reilly, thank you for stopping by and debunking any idea that you are racially and culturally ignorant. It’s been a pleasure.

O’Reilly: Of course it was.


There you have it folks. Bagwine Ruminations has once again gone the extra mile in search of truth and justice. Cheers!!

NOTE: I have yet to hear back from the Iranian government as to my proposed tour of their country. When and if I do, you’ll be the first to know. Well, I guess the second or third, but you know what I mean.