Oh Jannnnn? Yes Marcia?

Big news today…Iran’s President Alphabet addressing students and faculty at Columbia University? No!! Bill O’Reilly running a gratuitous sex-related story in order to coagulate his bleeding ratings? Old News!! How about the story about President Bush vowing to veto Childrens’ Health Insurance legislation? Pfffffffft, put a Band-Aid on the brats and tell them to quit crying.

I’m talking BIG NEWS people!!

For the last week or so, The National Enquirer has been reporting that Maureen McCormick, aka Marcia Brady, was going to tell all about her lesbian affair with Eve Plumb, aka Jan Brady, in McCormick’s forth coming book, “Here’s the Story”. Evidently, McCormick’s publicist denies this report, but always in search of the truth, we at Bagwine Ruminations feel compelled to speculate as to find out what (or who) went down during those years behind the closed doors of the Brady Bi-Level.

After watching re-runs of the Brady Bunch a million and three times, it is quite evident to me that Alice and Sam the Butcher were engaging in kinky sex involving a feather duster and a lamb shank, Mike Brady and Mr. Phillips had designs on each other, and the episode of Bobby and Cindy innocently going up and down on a teeter-totter for several hours was actually a disgusting and disturbing allegory about a pre-pubescent sex marathon.

These storylines make me sick and corrupt my view of the wholesome and All-American seventies suburbanites that promoted the importance of plaid pants and strong moral character; however, Marcia and Jan getting it on…that makes me freakin’ hot!!

Yes, thinking of those two nubile blondes brushing one and others hair, experimenting with items from Driscoll’s Toy Store, and then Jan writhing on the bed beneath the soft weight of her sister as she screams out, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!!”, makes me long to see what Kitty Carry-All saw as she sat perched on Cindy’s dresser. If only we could work Tiger into the mix...Boo Yah, baby!!

When I get as excited as this, I typically break into song. And by God, I think it is about to happen…Ruminators, gimme a beat!!

Here’s the story, of a chick named Marcia
Who was suff’rin from horny teenage angst
Though she’d won awards, she felt so empty
And wanted in Jan’s pants

Here’s the story, of a chick named Jan
Who it seemed was always second best
But by season four, she was the hottest
And had the better chest

Then one night when the family went to square dance
Marcia and Jan stayed home alone
They hopped in bed, horny and naked
Now it’s forever known…

As The Brady Munch
The Brady Munch
That’s the way it became the Brady Munch

Happy Monday, and Cheers!!