Anyone Have Some Aspirin?

Holy Crap!! The last 48 hours have been wild and psychedelic. My time as a government lead tester left me wallowing through a mirage of dreams unsurpassed in my life. Wild Irish Rose, peyote, even psilocybin could not produce the visions I had after eating lead laden Chinese made toys. My brain hurts.

I attempted to post the last couple of days but every time that I tried, a lamprey eel would thrust itself out of my monitor and try to French kiss me. All the while it was singing, “I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair.”

I was going to e-mail all of my readers to let them know what was going on, but when I went to type a message, my fingers turned into rhubarb stalks and it was hard to type.

Have you ever experienced sitting down to a plate of spaghetti and the strands of pasta form a noose and attempt to strangle you? Well I did. The government warned me that there might be side effects, but wow, I never thought that I would experience having a conversation with Joan of Arc about what constitutes a “dry heat”.

I never did find out because I kept getting distracted by a vision of Rosie O’Donnell performing a 69 with Oscar Wilde. How he kept that hot cup of Irish Breakfast tea balanced on his head the whole time I’ll never know.

I think I’m a-okay now. I mean it’s been eight hours since I experienced any hallucinations. The last one involved a talking llama who was yelling at me because he thought I stole his new coat, which oddly enough was made from alpaca.

So folks, hopefully I am back to my normal self and have exhumed my body of all traces of lead. Of course, maybe these visions weren’t nearly as bad as reality. After all, my son turns 13 today, and man could that present some real problems.

Until tomorrow, Cheers!!