Columbus Day: "Land D'oh!!"

Columbus Day…A day when government employees in The U.S. get the day off in honor of an Italian sailor, backed by Spanish money who went looking for a western route to India and “discovered” the islands of Cuba and Hispaniola.

His expeditions were of incredible importance. The voyages of Columbus foreshadowed 500 years of Spanish and Italian naval and military incompetence as well as inspiring future Americans to realize that failure is not failure if it results in looting riches, killing less advanced groups of people, and the spreading of small pox and syphilis. Chris was a 15th Century trendsetter.

Columbus did inspire other Europeans to seek out the New World. In fact if it weren’t for Columbus and the explorers to follow, I would be sitting here in my wigwam, wearing beads, and typing this post in Algonquin. Ironically, if I had to call for tech support because my computer was messed up, I would be an Indian talking to an Indian. Maybe we would actually understand each other. But I digress…

In addition to his slaughter of innocent inhabitants his friendly cultural exchange and moderate sampling of the native resources, Columbus and his rag tag team of Christian do-gooders also passed on some lesser known yet vital quality of life benefits to the denizens of The New World.

For instance, most people do not know that Columbus introduced cows to the natives. Now why is that significant? Let me tell you. In order to keep the natives from bothering the cattle and preventing theft of the bovine, Columbus kept them penned up in an area guarded by a sailor named Giuseppe.

Everyday at noon, Giuseppe would eat his lunch…the same thing everyday. He would eat a semi-circle shaped piece of dough that was stuffed with cheese and sausage. When asked what this delicacy was called, he said, “ I don’t know, but it really helps me to get through working twelve straight hours here in the Cow-Zone.” The spelling may have changed, but to this day it is a staple of fine Pizzeria dining.

Not to be outdone, a gruff sailor named Strom the Sicilian, who had a penchant for getting in fights with those much smaller than him, invented something similar to the Cow-Zone that was loaf shaped. It became to be known as the Strom-Bully. Buono Mangia!!

Columbus and his unselfish courage started a cultural revolution. So today remember his legacy, as well as other explorers who not only helped to spread the love and joy of Christianity to the Western Hemisphere, but other advances as well.

Honor people such as Magellan, who gave us the comfy shoe insert, DeSoto whose early sketches indicate the first drawings of the automobile, and Balboa who invented the movie sequel. Visionaries all!!

To all of you, I bid you Happy Columbus Day…Cheers!!