George and Dick's Halloween Adventure

It was a dark and stormy night, but little George and little Dick were determined to brave the weather and Halloween spirits and go door to door in search of bagfuls of candy.

George, a precocious tot, dressed up as his hero Jesus Christ. From the top of his long flowing wig to the bottom of his sandals, George had nailed the look of The Lord.

Dick, a bit of a dour young man and history buff dressed up as Napoleon. He wore a well-pressed French Army uniform, had a shiny sword at his side, and Dick, being one for accuracy, even used glue and fake blood to create the appearance of Venereal Disease scars on his wee little wanker. He was quite detailed for his age indeed.

When the two met at the corner to begin their quest, Dick said to George, “Your choice of costumes on such an “unholy” night is ironic.” George chuckled and replied, “What the hell Dick? I’m not dressed as an “ironic”. I’m dressed as Jesus.” After a brief silence and look of disbelief from Dick, George scratched his butt, Dick scratched his VD scars, and the two moved on.

House after house, door after door the demonic duo made the plea for sugary goodies. When candy givers opened their door, they were greeted by the diminutive Son-of-God saying, “Trick My Treat” and the nascent Napoleon growling, “Candy Bar or Conquest”. The high point was when they each received giant Nestle Crunch bars from Mrs. Rice, and the low point was when Dick, who after receiving two Fig Newtons and a Quran prayer card from Mr. Aziz, told him to, "Go F**K a Pig, Towel Head."

The candy caper was growing old so Dick said to George that they ought to turn their attention to playing some tricks. George said to Dick, “Whatever you say Linoleum, you’re the Enberor.” George threatened little girls by telling them that he was Christ and he could make them go “deaf, numb, and mimed”. Dick was a little more hands on in his trickery.

While walking down the sidewalk, Dick took his sword from his scabbard and stuck it in between the crutches of little Billy Crawford tripping him and sending him crashing to the concrete. George said, “Damn Dick, Billy is gonna be sore.” Dick replied with a sneer and a chuckle, “Don’t worry George, Billy has polio. The whiny little cripple won’t feel a thing.”

Soon after a few more threats of miraculous mishaps from George, and Dick exposing his fake VD sores to the hot neighborhood moms, the two returned to George’s house to get naked and look over their cache of cavity inducing confections.

After reviewing their take, Dick got dressed and started to head out and head home. Just then George said to his buddy Dick, “Y’know…Maybe someday we can do this for a living.” To which Dick said, “Maybe we will George, maybe we will.”

Cheers!!