Iowa Presidential Caucus 2008: The Bagwine Lowdown

As promised, I sent the crack Bagwine staff out to Iowa to cover the Presidential candidates, prior to the Iowa Caucuses that take place tonight.

They have reported back, and this is what they have discovered. I hope the information is of use to you and your decision in Iowa or whatever state in which you will be voting.


The Republicans…

Mitt Romney: Former Governor of Massachusetts and wealthy businessman. Opposes same sex marriage and is pro-life. Favors more tax cuts.

Bagwine Research: Romney also has been in favor of same sex marriage and supported choice. The tax cuts would only benefit him and six others.

Tends to tell every potential voter how wonderful they are, unless said voter happens to be a masochist, in which case he is more than happy to pee on them and shove a yard sign up their ass.

His name is Mitt…Do you really want a President who changes his position on every issue and yet doesn’t have the sense to change his goofy name?



Rudy Giuliani: Showed up for work on 9/11. Saved the day on 9/11. Became “America’s Mayor” on 9/11.

Bagwine Research: Evidently, he only works one day a year. The rest of the year is spent working on his next failed marriage and being videotaped eating a corned beef sandwich with a fork…A NYC guy eating a deli sandwich with a fork? Tough guy my ass; he’s a vanity filled pussy.



John McCain: U.S. Senator. Vietnam Veteran. Ardent supporter of Iraq War. Speaks his mind. Hot Wife.

Bagwine Research: In spite of war hero status and hot wife, refuses to speak his mind about the rumors saying that he has a crush on Senator Larry Craig.



Duncan Hunter: Congressman. Advocate for building a fence along our Mexican border, sending illegal Mexicans back, and shutting down all Taco Bell franchises.

Bagwine Research: Wouldn’t it be much easier if we sent them back first and then built a fence? Secondly, don’t be messin’ with my drunken, 3 A.M. Burrito Supreme fix. Yo Quiero, Congressman?



Ron Paul: Texas Congressman. Libertarian values. Wants to eliminate nearly all governmental agencies, programs, and services.

Bagwine Research: If elected, don’t come crying to me the following summer when it’s 95 degrees, your Waste Water Treatment Plant has been shut down, and the stench is worse than that of Rosie O’Donnell’s ass crack sweat.



Fred Thompson: Lawyer, Actor, former U.S. Senator. Lazy campaigner and seems only semi-interested in being President.

Bagwine Research: Fuck it…just fuck it.



Mike Huckabee: Former Governor of Arkansas and ordained Baptist Preacher. Vehemently Anti-Abortion. Biblical, Christ-Like approach to leadership.

Bagwine Research: Hasn’t a clue as to where Pakistan is, and doesn’t care because foreign policy will be based on The Book of Revelation. (Watch out Abyssinia) On the upside, if you invest heavily in wire coat hanger manufacturers, and Bible publishing companies prior to a Huckabee administration, you’ll end up one rich mo-foe.

The Democrats…

Barack Obama: Neophyte U.S. Senator from Illinois. Will end the war in Iraq. Candidate of change.

Bagwine Research: Change is good, however, his change involves moving this country in an east southeast direction, which from where I live, puts me in West Virginia…No thanks.

On top of that, he’s a black man with a dubious name…Hell, he stands a better of being chosen, if he was a slab of Prime Rib at a vegan wedding reception.



Hillary Clinton: Former First Lady and U.S. Senator from New York. Loved by many, and hated by just as many. One of the only candidates to lay out detailed policy ideas, including Universal Health Care.

Bagwine Research: Incredibly high disapproval numbers for a candidate running for Prez. Few people give any concrete reasons as to why they don’t like her; they simply say she is a bitch…maybe it’s because of who she is married to. If so, I guess Bill has screwed her over again.



John Edwards: One term U.S. Senator from North Carolina, and incredibly successful Trial Attorney. Populist. Trying to help the little guy.

Bagwine Research: U.S. Senator, successful Trial Attorney, and “Little-Guy Helpin’ Populist” just doesn’t add up. Trust not this man, but worship his nicely coiffed hair.



Bill Richardson: Former U.S. Representative, Ambassador to the U.N., Secretary of Energy, and now Governor of New Mexico. Plenty of foreign relations experience.

Bagwine Research: Holy Crap, this guy has it done it all!! He’s evidently a talented guy, but when is it going to show through? It’s like he’s a guy who has a huge wanker, but when it’s time to shoot a porn flick, he suffers from performance anxiety.



Joe Biden: Long Serving member of the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations. Vast experience, smart, thoughtful, and not afraid to speak his mind to colleagues or foreign Heads of State. Nearly died during brain aneurysm surgery.

Bagwine Research: In spite of being caught plagiarizing a speech 20 years ago, Biden is smart, straight talking, courageous, and above all…a true statesman. This is exactly what the American voter despises.



Dennis Kucinich: Congressman from Ohio. As Liberal as they come. Wants to establish a Department of Peace. Impish in looks and has seen UFOs.

Bagwine Research: Many consider his call for peace, humanity, and caring for everyone, socialistic and unattainable. There is an upside of a Kucinich Administration. Due to his looks, if the Martians came to Earth and said, “Take Me To Your Leader…” when they met him, they would have plenty in common.



Christopher Dodd: Long serving Senator from Connecticut.

Bagwine Research: (see Joe Biden, minus the aneurysm and the plagiarizing)

So there you have it. A voter’s guide to the Iowa Caucus. I hope that our staff’s research has been of help to you in deciding who will be our next President.

Until tomorrow and Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiday…

Cheers!!