Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Suck It Up And Be A Man: Cry Dammit

The New Hampshire primary is today, and yesterday it started off with a whimper. Hillary Clinton teared up a little bit during a roundtable event.

John Edwards (of course) and some others have jumped on her about it.

I say, let the tears flow, baby. Just because one wants to be President doesn’t mean he or she shouldn’t be able to cry.

I would make a fine President and I am a big crier from way back. I still cry every time I watch the end of Forrest Gump.

I become a veritable ocular waterworks when my cat gets sick, when my son is having troubles, or when I go to cook dinner and find out that we are out of SPAM. What does this all mean?

It means I am a caring and thoughtful human being…who really likes SPAM.

I am sure that the other candidates cry as well, but they won’t admit it or show it. Or have they?

For instance, I heard that Mitt Romney had a melt down the other day when he was getting ready for a day of campaigning and discovered that he was out of hair spray. Watching a Mormon with unkempt hair crying is not a pretty sight.

John McCain…Surely, this tough guy doesn’t cry. Pffffft. He bawled like a baby yesterday when he heard that the Golden Globe Awards Show was canceled. Through his tearful outburst he was heard to say, “Writer’s strike my ass, it’s because of that Romney fucker.” Sad.

Giuliani cries everyday, which is understandable considering he is married to an uptight bitch who thinks she is Queen of the Big Apple.

Barack Obama cries when he sees suffering in the world, which was evident when he sobbed upon hearing that every damn one of Rachel Ray’s TV shows had been renewed. I feel your pain brother…I feel your pain.

Kucinich, Huckabee, Richardson, and the others…Criers all. Hell, even Dick Cheney has shown his softer side.

I have it from a very reliable source that the Vice-President weeps every time he watches “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” With drips of saline sadness streaming down his cheeks he mutters, “You were so close. You were so close.”

So to you Mr. John Edwards, you phony, pretentious, opportunistic bastard, I say get off of Hillary’s back and quit trying to take advantage of a very human moment. One more thing, don’t come crying to me when you lose the election…again.

Tears and Cheers!!

NOTE: If you click on “Links That Make Me Drink”, I have resized the Holy Order of Bagwine Picture so it will fit much better in your sidebar should you choose to post it on your site. Ciao!!

54 comments:

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

I cry every time I think about the fact that you and are are so close and yet we have never met...as a matter of fact, I am crying right now...

I already resized it bitch

Durward Discussion said...

Just to be a little serious. There have been times in my life when some "he-man" has sobbed on my shoulder in the face of a major sorrow. So the "little lady" has a teary moment and they tear her apart! I don't mind people being partisan, but at least don't be hypocrites about the coverage.

Thanks for the resize.

RW said...

I cry like a baby every time I see my pay check!!

Schmoop said...

Jamie: I have never been one to hide my tears, and I found the moment to be a bit touching and at the least, quite refreshing. Cheers!!

Schmoop said...

Bond: Well, now you have brought a tear to my eyes. It is so very sad isn't it. Cheers, and Sniff!!

Roger: Don't let the ink smudge. Cheers!!

Desert Songbird said...

I would imagine that thinking about size always makes you cry.

Schmoop said...

Songbird: Ha...You're really on a roll of late. And at my expense no less. Cheers!!

Dana said...

I don't mind (too much) the crying, but could her timing have been any better?

Schmoop said...

Dana: I sense some suspicion and cynicism in your words. I am SHOCKED!! Cheers!!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Oh God NO! Not more RR!!!!

Weeps uncontrollably.

Schmoop said...

Real: It's tragic indeed. Feel free to cry on my shoulder, preferably while you are nekkid. Cheers!!

Odat said...

That post made me cry ;-(

Peace

Schmoop said...

Odat: I am so very sorry. Here, have a Kleenex, I've only used it a couple of times. Cheers!!

the Book of Keira said...

John Edwards is only unable to cry because his hairpiece is too tight. Oh, and his cockpiece is too loose.

Schmoop said...

108: I actually used to like him, but this time around I have had nothing but loathing for him. Cheers!!

Jeff B said...

I cry when I think about the fact that one of these retards is going to be running the country for the next four years.

Odat, pass the tissue.

Schmoop said...

Jeff: Don't use that tissue that I gave her...Tears are not what I wiped away with it. Cheers!!

Jay said...

I'm glad that there is somebody else that sees Edwards' assholiness!

I bet he'd cry if I kicked him in the balls. Well, he would if he had any. ;-)

Schmoop said...

Jay: Ha. I use that word "assholiness" too...Good Man. I'd cry if you kicked me in the balls too. Cheers!!

Desert Songbird said...

You're Matt-siah. I would "ass-holiness" would be a given.

Schmoop said...

Songbird: Good point. Cheers!!

DocMtCat said...

I cried too when I found out that Rachael Ray got all of her shows renewed..

-Doc

Schmoop said...

Doc: Let the tears flow, but make sure you are done crying in thirty minutes or less. Cheers!!

Marilyn said...

I think the ability to cry on demand could be very useful... imagine the Middle East peace talks... "I just want you all to get along. Is that so much to ask? As the leader of the free world, do I have to clean up all the messes myself. ::::wah!::::

It could work.

Schmoop said...

Marilyn: Good Point. "Hey Ehud, Hey Hosni, I just wanna be loved. Is that so wonnnng?" Cheers Marilyn!!

Cinnamon Girl said...

I cry at the drop of a hat over other peoples issues. If it is my own, you ain't ever gonna know it. I am poster girl for "I am fine."

Not feeling the Edwards love eh? That sounded hostile enough to be my reaction to Mitt the Mo. The day a Garmey wearing, super secret married name, "I am going to first tier heaven and you ain't", member of a cult founded by a murdering hallucingeic shroom eating freak is president, I leave. SHUDDER.

My only concern with Obama is I am afraid our collective inner racist will not let folks who THINK they want Obama win. The whole lack of experience issue on his part can just as easily be countered with the "success" brought on by those in the powerhold with tons of experience.

That was irony :P

Schmoop said...

Starr: Well said. I have problems with Obama. I like the guy and he is very talented, but talking about change and enacting it are two different things.

He has a history of avoiding some tough votes both when in the Illinois Senate and in the U.S. Senate. I am at a loss right now as to whom I will vote. Cheers!!

Cinnamon Girl said...

Yes that whole waffling on the Iraq funding issue is troublesome and frankly seems pretty "old style washington insider" type behavior to me. That said I would vote in a ficus before a republican, although I have to say Ron Paul amuses me and I used to respect McCain until he turned into Bush's ring kissing bitch.

/shrug

Schmoop said...

Starr: I'm right with you on McCain. He used to speak his own mind, and then this time around he started making nice with people like Falwell and those yay hoos at Bob Jones University. Cheers!!

Unknown said...

This blog made me cry tears of laughter. Especially the Cheney part. Beautifully done. Beautiful.

Schmoop said...

Allie: Thanks. I always enjoy having satirical, intellectual intercourse with you. Cheers Allie!!

Unknown said...

If Hillary cries she might get more votes....sympathy has a way of working for a chick.
I hate when people pick on the little one on the playground.

You can Call me AL said...

I don't cry, I drink.
WAIT.. I do cry when I'm out Bourbon.

The Cheney line - That was good!!

Schmoop said...

Penelope: Yeah, so she got choked up, it's nothing to make a big deal out of. Cheers Sassy One!!

Al: Ooooooo, I hear ya brutha, and thanks. Cheers!!

Cinnamon Girl said...

That Cheney line was good, Matt. It had that whole "You won't have Richard Millhouse Nixon to kick around anymore" flava.

Unknown said...

Starrlight, this too was a thing of beauty and I would love to quote you on it sometime:

"The day a Garmey wearing, super secret married name, "I am going to first tier heaven and you ain't", member of a cult founded by a murdering hallucingeic shroom eating freak is president, I leave."

fuckin A baby!!

Cinnamon Girl said...

Why Thank You Allie, and quote away. Something about growing up in Sandy City Utah and being the only non Mormon in a my elementary school soured me on The Latter Day Ain'ts. Must have been the brick with the word "heathen" on it that they toss at me through my bus window!

Cinnamon Girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Schmoop said...

Starr and Allie: Thanks Starr, and now if you and Allie would like to continue your mutual love fest in the form of hot chick on chick action I would love to watch, if not participate. Cheers!!

Cinnamon Girl said...

But dahling, we are hot chicks. What for we need a man? Eh?

Schmoop said...

Starr: Boob Hoarder!! Cheers!!

Cinnamon Girl said...

I am adding that to my resume. Desert accused me of promiscuous bloggin and infecting her with my flu and now boob hoarder. I see a whole new lucrative career ahead of me!

Schmoop said...

Starr: See how you are? Quit infecting people with your flu and start sharing the breastesses. Cheers!!

Travis Cody said...

People trash her because she comes off as uptight and unfeeling. And now they trash her because she had a teary moment?

Now I ask you...how many male Boston Red Sox fans cried in 2003 when Aaron Boone hit the home run that beat them in the ALCS?

They ALL did! Just like they ALL cried tears of joy in 2004 - sorry for bringing that up Vinny.

People cry...it's a very human thing.

Schmoop said...

Travis: Exactly. I said the same thing. First Hillary is an unfeeling bitch, and now she is a a uber sensitive, cry baby. Gimme a Break. And thank God for 2004 and this past year, I hate the Yankess. Cheers!!

Raven said...

I'd watch what you say about Cheney crying. You maybe the next one he comes after with that shotgun!

Raven said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Schmoop said...

Raven: I am not in the best of shape but I bet I can out run Vice-President Pot Roast. Cheers!!

Cinnamon Girl said...

Don't count on it Matt. You ever see a blood leech? Short, fat, stumpy little legs...hella fast.

Just sayin.

Schmoop said...

Starr: Thanks for the tip, I'll start doping. Cheers!!

Unknown said...

Well, I suppose whimpering worked, since she won! (My ex-wife used to do that and she always won, too).

Schmoop said...

Nick: I'm familiar with the same thing all too well. Cheers!!

Gledwood said...

Well poor old Hillary is coming through. At least she is 100% female and not 50% black and yet pretending to be 100%!!

Schmoop said...

Gledwood: Do I detect a bit of Obama animosity? As far as Hill being 100%...some would disagree with that. Cheers!!