Well folks, my infected facial ass cheek is starting to subside. A weekend full of vitamins, aspirin, peroxide rinsing, and mass amounts of Wild Irish Rose have halted the poisonous incursion within my body.
If this trend continues, by tomorrow I will have beat the Toxic Man without the aid of antibiotics. Tom Cruise would be so proud of me.
I have eschewed the medical community and didn’t contribute any further graft to the pharmaceutical companies. The poison is flowing out of my body in the form of a hideous looking puce-green goo. The exit point? My left eye. Oh, how I wish it was Halloween!!
I appreciate the concern that some of you showed for my plight over the weekend. I will say however, that the email I received stating, “I hope the infection works its way to your skull and eats what’s left of your brain…” was a bit harsh.
But, as always with this crazy playground we call life, another monkey bar bully has shown up to take the place of my
infection. Who is this bully you ask?WHITE DEATH!!!
Here’s our Bagwine, Ohio forecast for the next 24-36 hours:
SNOW WILL DEVELOP ACROSS THE AREA TONIGHT. THE SNOW WILL BECOME MIXED WITH SLEET AND FREEZING RAIN ON TUESDAY MORNING...THEN CHANGE BACK TO SNOW DURING TUESDAY AFTERNOON. TOTAL SNOW AND SLEET ACCUMULATIONS OF 4 TO 8 INCHES WILL BE POSSIBLE THROUGH TUESDAY...WITH ICE ACCUMULATION LESS THAN ONE TENTH OF AN INCH.
I know, to some of you, this is no big deal, but around here this news is equivalent to the End Times Rapture. Praise the Lord and Pass the White Bread.
Men clad in Dickies and long johns, women dressed in ill-fitting housecoats, and slope headed, cousin-conceived children will be descending on the grocery stores like a cloud of 10,000 ravenous locusts or if you want to be musical about it, 10,000 Maniacs.
Every loaf of bread, every pack of Little Debbie cakes, and the last bag of Doritos will be stripped from the shelves faster than a group of South Central gang members swiping the hub caps off of a cherry 1966 Buick Electra 225.
Sumbitch. It will be Maaaaaadness.
Fortunately, the Bagwine abode is chock full of the two Winter Storm Survival necessities. Alcohol and Cigarettes. Let it snow, pop a top, and light me up bitch.
The next 24-36 hours will be very interesting. I hope I can endure it.
Tomorrow, provided the end of the World is put on hold for one more day, I will post an update about Schmoop’s addiction problem. You can click HERE, if you have yet to read that stirring post.
For good or bad, we found a new supplier for her addiction. Tuesday, I will let you know all of the who, what, why, and heretofores about the bittersweet postponement of Schmoop’s intervention.
Cheers!!
50 comments:
Exactly when did you move to West Virginia?
...slope headed, cousin-conceived children"
and...
for good or dad, we found a supplier
Sounds like you have an inner-familial situation going on there
glad your infection is subsiding, got to be careful with that shit, can travel to your stomach and well, really kick your ass... hahaha, same here, winter storm warning, people flock to the store and clear the shelves... we are at -30 with wind chill, yesterday was -20... am sick of winter already... well Mr Prez hopeful, hope that infection remains alleviated and that you have a great day! :)))) we have lots of cuzin lovin goin on here in parts like taylor-tuckey as it is called, so, it is wide spread and who knows they could all be related to the same cuzins as down there or there or there or all the way back to the virginias... am sure they are..
Bond: 10,000 writers on strike and you want to be a proofreader. Cheers!!
Lyn: It does feel a bit better today. Cuzin Luvin' is everywhere, and here in Bagwine, it's more than just a hobby. Cheers!!
I was trying to be sympathetic to your WHITE DEATH plight, but we've had the sixth snowiest winter on RECORD here in the Chicago area this year ... and your 4"-8" forecast is a 3"-5" dump here. That's OK, the snow blower is gassed up and so is my husband! All will be well in Chicagoland!
Glad you pus is oozing...I could have gone without the eyeball thing tho......It's not supposed to snow here, however, the windchill is -11 and I just walked about a mile from the train to my office!!! Its' brutal! Have a good day and feel better.
Peace
Dana: Yeah I know. Hell 2 inches here turns the masses into a maniacal herd of mindless fucktards. Cheers!!
Odat: It was -15 here yesterday with the wind chill. Tomorrow will be 30 degrees. A snowstorm and a heat wave all at once. Cheers!!
How long did it take you to locate an almost bare shelf in the supermarket???
I am so grateful to hear about your face. Now the village children can begin the healing process.
smooooch!
My survival kit include Milky Way bars and red wine... Simple yet sophisticated!! ;-)
I'm here thawing out in my office as well... Bundle up and remember the best heat is body heat!
We need the eye pus video!
108: The face still hurts quite abit but getting better. Empty grocery shelf. I just followed Rosie O'Donnell. Cheers!!
Bittersweet: Milky Ways and Red Wine...Ahhh, that sounds good, and so does the body heat. Cheers!!
Hammer: No pus video, but I do have a new one for tomorrow that I know you will like. Cheers!!
Sounds like you live smack dab in the middle of 'in-breeding' heaven, or is that hell. I got a visual on that and it wasn't pretty. Glad you aren't going to join in on the fun. With your face they way it is you would just blend right in wouldn't you. Bwahahahahaha. Have a great day Matt-Man. :)
Sandee: If I walked in the store with my swollen face, the Bagwine Babes would be all over me. Cheers!!
Sounds like a typical snow reaction here in Oregon. Fortunately once we clear my B day chancs of snow are pretty much nil. Thank god, cause we had enough "snow events" (seriously that is what the satellite jockeys call them here ) to last me a life time!
Starr: We haven't had much snow at all. I wouldn't mind a good dumping...Snow that is. Cheers!!
I'm completely deflated that there was no picture of the pus oozing out of your eye - now THAT would have made my Monday! (Much more entertaining than a butt crack in which you could hide a school bus!)
They were in full panic mode around here last night. We were supposed to get the ICE STORM FROM HELL. But, it didn't happen. So sad. Now all those people have extra loaves of bread and four extra boxes of ho-hos for nothing.
P.S. Glad you're infection thingy is getting better. I probably would have opted for some drugs instead of just being manly and toughing it out.
Desert Rat: It would have been interesting but butt cracks showing are always could for a chuckle. Cheers!!
Jay: Yeah, I read your Wal Mart Snowstorm panic post. People are stoooopid.
The swelling has stopped, but damn, it still hurts. Some drugs would be nice. Cheers!!
Oh, Hell Yes, bring on the drugs. None of this manly shit for me - pus, yes, pain, NO! (Better living through modern - and not-so-modern - pharmacology!)
Desert Rat: Wild Irish Rose is a pretty good over the counter pain killer, and only $4.39 a fifth. Cheers!!
Clearly, the Wild Irish Rose IS the superior value!
Desert rat: And it makes one's clothes fall off. Cheers!!
I am glad you are feeling better... and as long as you have the smoke and the booze you can survive any ole snowstorm.
Doc: I look better, but I don't feel better the pressure on my cheek is wacky. Yeah, we have enough goods to ride out the storm. Cheers!!
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
What are the odd that we posted on the weather on the same day!!
Matt,I would be ever grateful if you would post a picture of the eye ooze. If you don't want to post it,email it to me! PLEASE!!
Cuz I'm a freak like that!
Metalmom: Next time I have a good eye-jacualtion I'll take a picture and send it. You kinky bitch, you. Cheers!!
Oh sweetie... that sounds horrid. Both the weather and the infection. You need to watch out for those tooth infections. I hear that's what killed King Tut.
I am so with Hammer on the vid. I wanna see the pus! Being born on Halloween means all the gross stuff is fascinating to me, I suppose. LOL As for your whiteout, I guess I can sympathize in a reverse sort of way. I get no freaking winter. NONE. It's gonna be goddamned 70 degrees today. I want to wear a sweater! I want to wear boots! What do I get for winter? The threat of mudslides due to rain in the burned out canyons a couple miles from me. Grrrrr.
Sorry dear.. I had to send that freakin snow somewhere... Would have RUINED the BBQ yesterday...
I'm doing the happy hippy chick dance that the toxins are leaving your body~~
The kids had a day off from school today because of the cold...COLD!! God damn whimpy kids...they should get out there and job in that -13 wind chill cold...it'll be good for them.
Allie: Thanks. Well I know why Tut was so small. Because the pain is making me feel like I'm two foot tall. Cheers Allie!!
Winter: I never realized there were so many pus lovers in the world. 70? Poor Baby!! Cheers!!
Cheesy: Thanks and it's a painful frickin' exit. Cheers!!
Raven" Unbelievable!! Kids today...What a bunch of Marys. Cheers!!
Have you taken to wearing an eyepatch to sop up the goo?
Bond proofreads your blog yet I have to proof read his.. go figure. Did you pay him? Cause if you did he totally owes me money.
White death? You're kidding me.. right?
Anndi: I wear an eyepatch whether I'm gooey or not. It drives the chicks batty.
And no, unlike in your neck of the woods, 4-8 inches of snow is the end of the world 'round here. Cheers!!
You have been added to the "Big Bang" master list at #476. You now need to come by and copy/paste the complete list back to your site. Doing this frequently assures maximum link benefit for everyone who joins. http://mondaymorningpower.blogspot.com/2008/01/big-bang-master-list.html
Please let me know when you have posted the Big Bang so I can take you off my "conditional" list.
Thanks for playing. If possible, try to get others to play also. It will benefit everyone.
Dude!! You're on a conditional list?
Do you say argh? Will you call me a wench?
Monday Morning: Thank Ya. I'll be by as soon as I can. Cheers!!
Anndi: The story of my life Anndi...Wanna walk my plank!? Cheers!!
If you let me pet your parrot...
Anndi: Anndi want a Matt-cker? Cheers!!
I was watching the news last night and they were showing clips from your area and surrounding states! RUN MATT RUN!
HOLY CRAP is about all I can say. I don't miss that shit for all the Wild Irish Rose in Bagwine so drink up and schmoke away Matt.
;o)
Jillie: I love a good snowstorm. Winds howling, snow blowing, and a nice warm bed rocking. Cheers!!
Dude...such a hater...
Bond: Hate? Au Contraire. My only fault is that I care too much. Cheers!!
Ewww poor Matty--I hope you are using hot compresses to help get rid of that mess--it hurts worse for a while but it really helps get rid of it.
And yeah We've got the freakout going here too! White bread and milk white bread and milk---what the hell do they do with it???
TB: I know. I get the same lecture from Schmoop.
And you're right. I didn't know that bread and milk goes hand in hand with a couple of inches of snow. Oy Vay. Cheers!!
What's with the Oreo's still on the shelf? Don't the people of Ohio know haw to prepare for the end of the world?
Jeff: Those bags had already been opened and touched by previous, ravenous shoppers. They were tainted. Cheers
Mama: Turned out to be more of a dud than a good winter time hosing. Harumph. I feel pretty good today Pen, thanks. Cheers!!
glad you are healing....are we gonna see photos of the eye ooozing?
sorry about the weather....Sunday we got last minute craigslist tickets to the Pebble Beach PGA. Warm....shorts and sandals....it was great....
Kat: Thanks for your weather update. You are such a good soul. Cheers!!
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