Last Thursday marked the one year anniversary of the passing of Jerry Falwell.I feel a duty to his memory to not let it go
I asked God if I could do an interview with the Reverend Falwell, the Holy Honcho said that Jerry wasn’t exactly “nearby”.
Being the blessed old SOB that he his, however, G-Dawg gave me a phone number where I could reach Falwell.
Always the cut up, God said to me, prior to attending to a pre-scheduled, tectonic rattling of the Chinese landscape, “Matt-Man, consider this number a direct HOT-Line.”
So I called, and after a brief discussion on tax tips with Leona Helmsley who was running the switchboard, she put me through to Falwell…
Matt-Man: Reverend Falwell…Matt-Man here, how the hell are ya?
Falwell: Ahhhhh, Brother Matthew, I am basking in the light of the Lord…Amen.
Matt-Man: But aren’t you in Hell, Jerry?
Falwell: I cannot disclose that. But I will tell you that this place is hot, the meals consist of leper skin gruel, and the staff is currently redecorating a cell…er…I mean suite, for when Pastor Rod Parsley and Dick Cheney come to stay with us.
Matt-Man: Are you continuing to save souls in the afterlife there Jerry?
Falwell: Ohhh Brother Matthew…As soon as I arrived, I began to cure Hermann Goering of his homosexuality.
Matt-Man: How’s that workin’ out for ya?
Falwell: It was going fine, until last Tuesday, when Hermann allowed himself to be publicly sodomized by the Borgia family.
Matt-Man: Wow, that’s classic…did you take pictures?
Falwell: It was disturbing Brother Matthew, but kinda fun to watch a Nazi getting reamed by a group of greasy Spaniards. And who knew that Pope Alexander VI had such a huge schlong. I bet that left a mark. Ouch!!
Matt-Man: I have a few more ques….
Falwell: Oh I am sorry Brother Matthew, but it is time for my daily 4:15 burning at the stake…
Matt-Man: Sweet Baby Jeebus, that has to be painful, Jerr.
Falwell: It is, it is indeed. But it’s not as bad as when they extinguish the flames that engulf my body.
Matt-Man: Why is that?
Falwell: Attila the Hun, Henry VIII, and Joan Crawford drop trowel and piss on me until the fires recede. Brutal!!
Matt-Man: Well thanks for your time, Reverend.
Falwell: Anytime, Brother Matthew, and tell Joyce Meyer that I can’t wait to see her. I’m a huge fan.
And there you have it, my interview with the Jerr-Meister.
Have a lovely Monday, and as always…
Cheers!!
73 comments:
Jerry Falwell ... another reason I remain agnostic!
Dana: And I am sure you are not alone in that respect. Cheers Dana!!
Holy Mommy Dearest! She's there too?
Peace
Odat: See where demanding the non-use of wire hangers will get ya? Cheers!!
Ahh! Jerry FailinWell in Hell.
I like it when you keep us informed through your G-Dawg connections.
Dick Cheney?
When's that trip south due for that fat bastard?
Hell Hot Dick for Dick!
Coming Soon!
Reverend Falwell is dead? I wonder how that escaped my attention. Great interview Matt!!
Micky: I take it you don't like Dick. Cheers Mick!!
Roger: What the...A man of God passes and you miss it? You're gonna burn in Hell. Cheers Roger!!
I'm so glad you spoke to Jerry, I felt bad about not reaching out to him but I just didn't have the time. Did he happen to mention whether he got the card Tinky-Winky sent him, I helped the TinkMeister pick it out and made sure it was flame retardant.
It doesn't surprise me that they keep prepping the cell - uh - dungeon - uh - undeground bunker for Dick. He has almost checked in there so many times - one foot in the grave and the other one on a banana peel. A girl can dream can't she?
Thanks for all you do Matt!
Dianne: Ha. Funny you should mention Tinky Winky. We keep a small one perched atop our TV in honor of Falwell.
As for Dick, do you think Haliburton will get the contract for his funeral when he bites the dust? Cheers!!
Hey, Jerry gave us Liberty University, though I will allow you to decide if thats a good thing or a bad thing
Sparky: The only thought I have about that is that I have always had trouble putting Falwell and Higher Learning together. Cheers!!
Lovely interview darling. I'm glad to see that he seems so happy.
Lady Jaye: Thanks LJ. Other than the stake burning and the golden showers, he does seem to be quite content. Cheers!!
Matt I'm sure Haliburton already HAS the contract! and of course Blackwater will serve as pall-bearers. I hope the service will be on a nice sunny warm day - I'm saving my sexiest purple dress for the occasion.
Wouldn't he be receiving regular massages from Teletubbies too?
So glad that if I'm not gettin' any, your not gettin' any.
Ice Cream.
Jen (who will not harrass you anymore today)
Dianne: I'll give ya a call when it happens and go with you. I'll wear my tux and clown shoes.
Afterwards, we can go out for pork chops, pot roast, and Jack Daniels to honor his passing. Cheers!!
*talking to self*
Shoot! Dianne actually beat me to the punch.
Jen: I think the Teletubbies haunt his dreams. We will get nuthin' together.
And go ahead and harass me, everytime you stop by, I become closer to having my soul saved. ; )~ Cheers!!
...I thought ALL popes had big schlongs.....
Phfrankie: That may be, but I bet some are more "blessed" than others. Cheers!!
Love it, my dear Matt-Man!!!!!!!!
:o) Ever thought of going into journalism? I would watch your TV special over Baabaa WaaWaa anytime!
Sounds like Falwell is having a great time in hell. What will we do when we get there?
Nick: Coming from a true man of the cloth I appreciate that. Thanks Nick. Cheers!!
Cheesy: I should. I mean, I can speculate as well as any other "journalist" today. Cheers Hot Stuff!!
Tooo funny. Esp Leona on the switchboard. LOL Oh, BTW, the Borgias were Italian, and the worst of them was Lucretia. I can see her with a 12 inch black strap on though.
Knight: Hell? We are going to Heaven Baby. And that is a 24 hour a day open bar, a prime rib buffet, and me getting to look at you all day.
Okay maybe that would be my Heaven and your Hell. Cheers!!
Winter: Dear...I may be funny but I am also a student of History. While they did trapse around the confines of Italy, the patriarch Rodrigo, later Pope Alexander, was Spanish. Lucrezia was indeed a hottie though. Cheers!!
Have you been huffing?
Leighann: Are you implying that I made this up? Cheers!!
I refuse to ever refer to Fallwell as "reverend" I like to refer to him as that hate-filled old bigoted bastard. But maybe that's just me. ;-)
Open bar, prime rib, and Matt-Man? That does sound like heaven!
Jay: How do you glean that point of view from an obviously spirit filled man of GAWD!? Cheers Jay!!
Knight: Be still my heart...You just made my day. Cheers!!
Oh man!! If you call him back ask him if the greasy pomade in his hair goes up like Michael Jackson in Pepsi video. Inquiring minds want to know!
Made it up?? No way! Hallucinated? Probably! *wink*
Starr: I'll ask him. Your concern for Jerry's well-being is touching by the way. Cheers!!
Leighann: It was a divine word from the Almighty. He likes me...He really, really, like me. Cheers!!
I believe you....I really, really believe you!
Is the purple telletubby having a blast dropping his soap?
Leighann: Sally Field and I, thank you. Cheers!!
Tug: More sinful words, I have never heard on my time on Earth. Repent!! Cheers Lovely One!!
It's been awhile since I've repented...I start on my knees, right?
Tug: Ha. That's always a good place to start. Cheers!!
Now what will happen when Tammy Baker arrives and the heat melts all her make-up off? Hell is such a drag... My cousin, who is a comedian, used to say: "With all the obnoxious people in Heaven, would you really want to go there?"
VE: Tammy is there and has already been defaced. Not pretty. Your cousin is obviously a heathen and needs to be reprimanded. Cheers!!
Well, that is where Jerry should be. In hell surrounded by liberals. Just saying. Bwahahahahahahaha. Have a great day. :)
You have the most remarkable connections, dear Matt.
Sorry, I meant to say, "Matt, sugah."
Heheh, that made me giggle.
Are you telling me that by just pissing on the small people and treating your dog better than any human you know, you end up being the switchboard operator in hell?
damn...there goes another role-model.
Sandee: You should be so lucky. Cheers!!
Songbird: Uh-huh. I think you're makin' fun. Cheers!!
Motley: Well, then it was all worth it ye of the soon to be dropped breasts. Cheers!!
Bond: You lover her dontcha? Cheers!!
Hey...I like Joyce Meyer's! No picking on her... :^)
Matt...you have quite the imagination to have thunk this whole conversation up. You have WOW'd me.... ;-)
Hugs,
Kimmie
Kimmie: Joyce Meyer is a puke. She's also pretentious and an evil human being. Other than that, she's swell. Cheers!!
A Puke? Evil? Hmmmm...thats rather harsh. Well, I like her anyway!
Actually, she reminds me alot of you, all cynical, smart ass and full of shit most of the time. Ha!
Kimmie
Kimmie: I remind you of Joyce Meyer...? You're lucky that I never cuss out my readers. Cheers!!
:^) Yep, I am lucky alright! LOL!
I dunno Matt, you have made quite a case for having a talent for "speaking in tongues."
Or was that sleeping in pie? I get so confused sometimes ;)
YES DAMN IT I LOVE HER....
but you are still my #1 bitch-man
I also find Joyce to be repugnent, as I do with all the alleged "people of God" on television.
She, and the others will have their place with Jerry. Can I have an Amen?!!
Wow!!! This is a loaded spot to be!
May all they who *deserve*
GO to Hell! Amen
Your life is obviously lacking many things if this is what you have to do to make yourself feel better.
And anonymous joins the fray, making an ass of themselves
Kimmie: Oh to be lucky, pass some my way. Cheers!!
Starr: I like to slepp right where I lay after a meal. Cheers!!
Bond: Ha. You are so good to me. ; )~ Cheers Vinny!!
Schmoop: Amen Sister Schmoop. And keep turnin' your Mom's Joyce Meter books upside down. Cheers!!
Micky: Preach it brother!! Amen and Tally Ho. Cheers!!
Anonymous: This is nothing but my post tomorrow will definitely make me feel better about myself. Way down in my big, hot cockles. Cheers!!
Sparky: Yeah, but that's the fun of the blogosphere. Cheers Sparky!!
Yo AnonyMouse...glass house and all that, cupcake. Since a set of balls is obviously lacking in YOUR life. God must love those who have such little courage of their convictions that they have to defend him anonymously.
Starr: He or She came here via a link on some talk radio guy's website. Obviously a person of limited faith in their beliefs which compels him/her to remain anonymous. Cheers!!
You are linked up to talk radio! It's just a matter of time before you're a nationally recognized... err socio-political commentator/ male model.
Marilyn: Ha. We'll see. I dunno why the guy's site had my post linked, but I'll take it. Cheers!!
He can't be in hell. That version of hell would be way too easy for the likes of him.
GB: Maybe it's ruled by a kinder, gentler, kind of Satan. Cheers!!
Oprah has nothing on you!
PP: Thanks PP. The White Male Oprah, I am. Cheers and the best to you!!
No Amens from me...but Matty I can give you ALL the Luck you want...;)
You know? I just get a kick out of coming by and reading the comments. You are a funny guy, but the comments have a life of their own. And I am commenting here because I am more comfortable being linked to Reverend Falwell, than...your rear. :)
Hope your day was nice Matt-Man.
Jennifer
Kimmie: Save it for yourself. Cheers!!
Jen: Ha. Very Clever. And yes, I am proud to say that those who comment on Bagwine are the best in the blogosphere. Cheers!!
Post a Comment