Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week: Holy Tuesday...Those Virgins are HOT !!

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues today. And today? It’s Holy Tuesday.

Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.
It’s like the line uttered in an episode from Seinfeld by Newman rings true…

"Tuesday has no feel."

However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.

It is a story spoken by Jeebus that talks about ten virgins, a bridegroom, lamp oil, and the importance of always being prepared for Judgment Day. For, we know not when it shall come.

In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.

And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.

Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…

But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.

In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.

On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.

Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…

Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles.

John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.

The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.

Anyhoo…

Jeebus got the festivities started by saying...

“Behold; we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”

The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.

It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.

The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.

They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.

The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.

The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.

And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.

All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…

“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”

Damn right they do, Bart.

Take that Newman…No Jeebus for You!!.

Cheers!!

Matt-Sinai

I decided to climb once more upon my mile high soap box and imbue a few more pearls of wisdom unto the blogospherical masses.

These are tough economic times and damn it, if you’re hurting, chin up folks, better days lie ahead and maybe even a job.

If you, like the folks who lost family members in recent Brett Favre texting incidents are saddened over a personal loss, I will be happy to offer you some “solace”.

If you feel trampled upon by others, namely, Gretchen Carlson’s stupidity, don’t worry, your time will come.

I’ll help you achieve your dream. I will help you become a righteous dude or dudette.

If you are nice to me, I’ll be nice to you, and…if you, like me, are a good person, maybe we can hook up some time and see “God” together. ; )

Those of you who play nice and don’t attack each other on my site, as well as those who have been attacked on here, are very special to me, and have a standing invite to come to the digs and party with me.

Those of you who have been mocked, lied about, and such while on my site, don’t fret, Bitches...

Much like commenters from the past, you are a better person for it, and it will show at some point…

Maybe.

I hope you guys continue to visit Bagwine Ruminations. ‘Cause, well…you are the Bagwine. And if you no longer stop by, the bottle dries up and sits empty.

And really, what good is an empty bottle? It just gets thrown at the dumpster, misses, and shatters.

You guys brighten my day and my life. Y’all are like the city of Denver…mile high, saying, “Look at me!!”

And I do look, because you cannot camouflage your humor, wit, and brilliant charm.

I see you as shiny, happy people, and I hope everyone from here to eternity sees the same thing in you that I do.

Was that a great exhortation or what!?

Let’s see Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, or any of those other bums come up with something like this.

Hell’s fire, even Jeebus couldn’t orate like this.

Okay, maybe Jeebus could, but you’d have to look long and hard in the Bible to find something this moving.

I hope you all find this entry moving, soul softening, and well, wonderful.

‘Cause if ya don’t…you’re freaky, and hate the little baby Jeebus.

Cheers!!

A Mosque Around Ground Zero? Fuck That!!

So…

Some towel heads want to build a mosque near the sacred ground where the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center towers once stood.

Sean “I Don’t Wear a Wedding Ring” Hannity and Michelle “If You Want To Chill Your Beer, Put It Between My Legs” Malkin, and other right wing knuckleheads are up in arms about this.

Me?

I really don’t give a shit.

Hell, put up a Baskin-Robbins for all I care. It’s just a piece of ground that some time ago got vaporized by some hateful nut jobs.

But…let me ask you this…If a Christian Church wanted to build a facility in the area would that be okay? Of course it would, because…

Christianity is where it’s at…or so Christians think, especially those of the Fundamentalist favor…and fervor.

I am a Christian, but you know what? I dislike many Christians because, well…many have some warped sense of Christianity.

In fact, many Christians have an incredibly fucked up take on Christianity, just as many Muslims have a fucked up view of Islam.

I know, Mohammed was a crazy man who allegedly was talked to by God (he was probably drunk on camel piss), and we Christians know his story not to be true.

And Mohammed, set forth this entire Muslim thing that just fucks up the world of Christianity, and the lives of every living, breathing, freedom loving American.

Anyhoo…

A mosque near the site of the 9-11 attack would be a thorn in the eye of our God. After all, God likes America best…at least that’s what I hear.

What a joke…God likes people based on their own merits, not their religious or political affiliation. And if I am wrong, and He doesn‘t, that’s not a God I give a damn about.

But, back to my original point…

Why do Americans, and people throughout the world feel the need to build memorials?

My mom and dad didn’t die in a horrific act of terrorism, but they are no less dead, and I am sure I miss them just as much as those who lost family who died in the 9/11 attacks.

Why can’t we just miss, honor, and celebrate the lives of those we miss without circus or cultural hyperbole?

Why can’t death be a solemn event of passing and tribute without political debate and posturing?

And…

Why can’t all religions be taken as faith and not as fact? After all…

Faith is much more powerful than fact, and to deny that, is to deny a very fundamental fact of life.

Cheers!!

Solid Rock Church Lightning Strike: Big Butter Jesus Rouxs The Day

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

We are living in the end times my friend.

Last night just north of Cincinnati in Monroe, Ohio tragedy struck in the form of an Almighty lightning bolt.

With a flash of ecumenical electricity and the thunderous clap of God’s ginormous hands, the graven image or more accurately Styrofoam image of Big Butter Jesus, was turned to toast.

Fall to your knees and ask for forgiveness because our wicked ways have displeased the Lord so much, that he morphed the King of Kings statue outside The Solid Rock Church into a puddle of godly goo.

The metal frame is all that remains of this testament to the faith, love, and criminality of Pastors Lawrence and Darlene Bishop.

Pray for us all and pray that a newer, bigger, and animatronic Jesus is rebuilt soon. Yeah, an 80 foot tall animatronic Jeebus would be way cool….and pretty damn funny.

I take a moment to mourn our loss by playing Heywood Banks’, Big Butter Jesus.



Amen and Amen.

Our regularly scheduled offering is posted below.

Cheers!!

Carrie Prejean Suing For Religious Discrimination...I've Got A Better Idea

Carrie Prejean…

Dethroned former Miss California, former Miss U.S.A. Runner-Up, and now..?

One holy-rollin’, hot, litigious bitch…

She’s suing the Miss California Pageant organization (run by K2 Productions) for among other things, Religious Discrimination.

Now as Prejean is a chick who told a Republican group that losing her crown was in God’s plan, I can only assume that God has also advised her to sue Shanna Moakler, K2 Productions, et al. for their thievery of her crown…

Much like God obviously advised her to allow the Miss California Pageant officials to pay for her uber-successful breast implants prior to the Miss U.S.A. pageant.

Not only does God move in mysterious ways, he obviously digs Evangelical babes with perfectly formed fun bags.

Prejean is alleging that because of her anti-gay marriage stance and religious views, the title of Miss California was stripped from her. Those Godless bastards.

This hubbub all began back in April when Prejean stated during the Miss U.S.A. Pageant interview round that she believes in “opposite marriage” as opposed to same-sex marriage.

Her answer became a flashpoint of controversy after one of the pageant judges, the gay, talent-less fucktard, Perez Hilton went on a national rant.

Prejean says that her anti-gay marriage answer not only cost her the Miss U.S.A. crown but later, her title of Miss California as well.

Personally, I wouldn’t have lowered her score because of her marriage position, that’s her belief and so be it. I would have lowered her score for using the term, “opposite marriage”.

I would have thought to myself:

“Holy Cow, it’s such a shame that such a hot, full body is being kept alive and directed around by such an empty, empty head…No title for you, for putting a crown on that noggin would surely collapse its unsupported skull.”

Here’s the thing though…When one is being judged, don’t the judges bring their own prejudices, opinions, and ideas of what they want to see in a contestant to the judges’ table? Sure they do…

If I was a judge for one of these things, I would have an inclination to give a higher score to a chick who had dark hair, big tits, and could put complete sentences together.

If the judges didn’t like her answer and lowered her score because of it, that’s the way the tiara tumbles…and crying over it and suing over it, exposes Prejean to be more than what her nude photos showed her to be.

Carrie Prejean is an opportunist seeking celebrity, fame, and a huge payoff. The thing that turns her from a woman of physical beauty into a hideous human being is her hypocrisy.

She claims that her faith in God and the Holy Baby Jeebus has been her undoing. Nice try, Miss Hypocrite. You are not a follower of Biblical teachings, you are merely trying to use them as a catalyst for your advancement.

I don’t think God would appreciate your breast implants. They altered His image of you. He wouldn’t appreciate your nude photos. They were an affront to Him.

He wouldn’t appreciate His work being judged by idiotic dickheads like Perez Hilton in front of a national audience. That just flat pisses Him off.

You can’t have it both ways Miss Hypocrite, and you can’t get your crown back, but I do have a better idea on how to settle this issue while helping you to make amends with God Almighty…

Shut the fuck and up, and while you’re at it, give your breast implants back to the Miss California Pageant officials.

God would dig that.

Cheers!!

The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America: Gay and Lesbian Are A-Okay!!

It became official on Friday.

The largest denomination of Lutherans in the U.S. has voted to lift a ban that prevented sexually active gay dudes and lesbos from serving as ministers.

The delegates of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) which claims a membership of 4.7 million people, voted in Minneapolis Friday on the issue, and the results…?

Praise the Lord and Pass the KY Jelly!! Or, to quote Martin Luther…

“Be thou comforted, little dog, Thou too in Resurrection shall have a little golden tail.”

Well praise Jeebus ye of Lutheran faith, there is going to be a lot of golden tail preachin’ in your churches.

I mean, hell, I don’t think it’s a big deal. Episcopalians allow gay ministers. The United Church of Christ allows them as well, and as we all know…

The Roman Catholic Church allows not only gays into the priesthood, but pedophiles as well.

Hell, for decades, Priests have been nailin’ young boys harder than a Roman soldier hammerin’ a spike into the Lord.

In fact, I hear that when a Priest gets assigned to an all-boys Catholic High School you can typically hear him shout:

“Praise Jeebus, for in the Lord, there lies abundance!!”

Anyhoo…where was I? Oh that’s right…the fucking Lutherans.

I think what the delegates did was great. Gay people should be permitted to serve the Lord and his flock. In a way, gay men specifically, because of their sexual habits, would be more adept at serving a flock.

I also think it is very appropriate that the ELCA held its convention and voted to allow the inclusion of gay people into its cadre of clergy while in the city of Minneapolis.

After all, Minneapolis is where Sen. Larry Craig, eschewed his closeted gayness, and tried to tap toes and make time with an undercover cop in an airport bathroom. God is one clever son of a bitch.

I really do hail this as a step forward, but there is some talk that this vote will cause a schism within the ELCA…so be it.

Those who decide to split from the Lutheran Church over this inclusion can suck it…so to speak.

I do think however, when gay Lutherans start conducting services, the names of the churches in which they pastor might need to reflect the changes.

For instance in Bagwine, if a gay guy becomes the pastor of Zion Evangelical Lutheran Church, it could become re-named, The Manhole Bar and Eucharist.

If some lesbian chick takes over the holy reins of Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church, it could become known as, Grace, Betsy, Juanita and What the Eunuch Saw Evangelical Lutheran Church.

Once again, Matt-Man…Here to Help.

Well that’s it for today. Sunday is the ex’s Birthday so this morning I am taking my 14 year old son and his size 13 feet out to get his mom a present.

Hmmmmmm? 14 years old and wears size 13 shoes…?

Praise Jeebus that my kid doesn’t go to a Catholic School full of Priests.

Cheers!!

If Jeebus Says It, It Has To Be True

I appreciated all of the answers to my questions the other day. Thanks for taking the time to chime in.

One question was, “What, if anything, really irritates you about me?” One reader who shall be nameless but always uber-hot, mentioned that my Christian bashing can sometimes be a bit much.

I was shocked…Nay…OUTRAGED!!

I never thought of myself as a Christian basher. Being one who walks in near lockstep with the Holy Baby Jeebus I thought I only bashed those who pretended to live a life as Jeebus would.

But…Just to find out for sure, and put this issue to rest, I called up my buddy, Jeebus and asked him to stop by for a couple of beers. He obliged, and he brought his pal of Old Testament fame, Micah with him.

The three of us noshed on bacon wrapped tater tots and sausage bites. We threw back some beer and Bagwine and caught up with each other. It was nice.

At what I thought to be the right time, I asked Jeebus…“Yo J-Man. Do you think I am a Christian basher?”

Jeebus spoke…“Matt-Man, my friend. You are many things. Funny, sarcastic, undersexed and over imbibing. In fact, you can be a complete and utter asshole. But, you are not a Christian basher. Please tell me who bore false witness against you?”

I told him that I would rather leave her out of it. To which he replied…“Leave her out of it? I don’t think I should. I should…wait just a…Her? Oh I get it…you think she’s hot dontcha?”

I responded…

“Well you know me…I think damn near any woman between the age of 35 and 65 and has tits is hot. But, yeah. Which reminds me…How the hell is Mary Magdalene these days?”

Jeebus laughed and then smacked me upside the head with his hand.

It’s kind of neat because when he does that, the air going through the holes in his hand makes a wacky whistling sound. It still hurts though. My head, not his hand.

Anyhoo…there you have it Mizz One Who Shall Be Nameless. Jeebus said I am not a Christian basher. After he deemed that so, Jeebus, Micah, and I whooped it up.

Jeebus kept magically refilling the bottle of Wild Irish Rose. And Micah? He’s a madman, but he had to go to the bathroom every three minutes. Holy Cow, I asked Jeebus if Micah was always such piss happy party animal. J-Man told me this…

“Matt-Man for a 2,800 year old Jew, the boy can bring it. He has the liver and staying power of a 22 year old. Unfortunately he also has the bladder of a two year old.”

Micah was in the bathroom when Jeebus told me that and we heard Micah say, “I heard that, you lousy bastards. Hee Hee Hee.”

J-Man and I started laughing when a half asleep Schmoop groggily yelled from the bedroom…

“Jesus Christ Micah, for a holy man you have lousy aim. I can hear your prophetic piss ricocheting all over my bathroom floor, Goddamit!!”

Christ and I were rolling on the floor doubled up in laughter. And then…It was time for Jeebus and Micah to go back to Heaven. But before they left, Jeebus said unto me…

“Making fun of people who claim to be Christians is no big deal. People like Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, and those who go to church to be seen and not in order to truly live by my word are assholes.

Keep on keepin’ on my friend. Oh, and Glenn Beck…Make fun of him too; I hate that asshole. And one other thing…

This chick who said this to you? You tell her that Jeebus said that if she doesn’t have sex with you, she will surely go to Hell.”

He then kissed me on the head, parted his fingers and said, “Live long and prosper Matt-Man, LOL.”

In a wink, he and Micah were gone, but they left a message for me.

I sat down and on the table the Bible was open to Micah 6:8...

“And what does the lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Other than that “humbly” part…I think I live up to those words.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Shake Down The Thunder

It’s going to be a cool yet sunny Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio today.

Although, I doubt if it will be as cool as the reception that President Obama gets from the alumni at Notre Dame University.

So, President Obama is going to speak at Notre Dame today. Oh my God!!

Get It?

I’m sorry Bill Donahue. I’m sorry Pope Benny. I’m sorry to all of you priests who ruined the lives of little boys.

(Albeit it was a tiny percent who besmirched your calling because of a few assholes…so to speak.)

More than the Priests involved, I’m sorry that the Vatican bureaucracy and dioceses tried to cover up that fact of the abuses.

Yeah, so, Obama is pro-choice. Many American Catholics are as well. I understand your, private University status and all of that, but…

Could you, the Catholic Church, not try to make up for your own hypocrisy by making a “stand” against a thoughtful guy like President Obama?

You may ask, why I use the word “thoughtful.” I am not talking about respectful and well-mannered.

I am talking about “thoughtful” in the sense, that he thinks. Obama thinks. By God!! We have a President who thinks!!

And not one who thinks what he thinks, but rather, one who is open to new and different ideas and thoughts.

I find that refreshing. As refreshing as the beauty of the Eucharist and the Holy Water. Bathe in its glory, Donahue; you religious bigot, dirt bag. And by the way, try Confession, you need it.

I won’t get to see it live, but I have no doubt that President Obama will make the best of a “bad” situation.

He will, in his usual way, wax poetic about personal growth and being all that one can be, as it should be during the course of a commencement.

This entire thing is a joke. It’s the President of the United States for God’s sake. Get over yourselves.

Bush 43 spoke at ND, and he was a HUGE Death Penalty advocate. I know, you Catholics are big on thumb screws, but c’mon…

Let me give you protesters and gnashers of teeth a little Sunday morning St. Augustine...

"If you believe what you like in the gospels, and reject what you don't like, it is not the gospel you believe, but yourself."

Amen, and Amen.

I am not typing this to argue the virtues or lack thereof of abortion, that will never change anyone‘s mind either way. I am saying this…

Notre Dame prides itself on being one of the finest Universities in the world. It is a bastion of learning, thought, exploration, and Catholicism.

In spite of its religious roots, can it not live up to those traditions and allow for Obama, or anyone for that matter, with differing opinions, to speak?

Are some of the University’s staff, alumni, and more importantly, donors, afraid to have their faith challenged?

Evidently so. And the funny things is, President Obama will not make a case for the legality of abortion.

He probably will not even mention it, other than in passing to recognize differences of thought and the great American right to protest.

He will simply tell the grads, in a very eloquent way, to do their best. As it should be.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Eats-ter Morning, Praise Jeebus!!

While it is a chilly start, it is going to be a sunny and somewhat mild Easter Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio.

And the best thing? I’m off today. It’s the first Sunday I have been off in a year. Praise Jeebus!!

And speaking of Jeebus, welcome back buddy.

Those three days that you were gone while toying with the Romans, Jews, and Satan hizzelf were ghastly.

Not only is this the Day of Resurrection, it is the end of my 46 days of Meatlessness for the Messiah and my 3 day fast. Thank God.

Let me tell ya. The 3 day fast really blew. However, it did work it’s Messianic Magic.

I have officially plunged under the 180 pound weight mark. I currently stand at a shade over 177. As I weighed 187 on Ash Wednesday, I have lost nearly 10 pounds.

This three day fast thing? Holy Cow. I hadn’t eaten anything for 72 hours. I lived, on water, smokes, and beer.

You wouldn’t think there’d be anything to get rid of, but Saturday evening after work, I had a series of colon blows that were just wrong.

Have you ever peed out of your ass? Well, last night, I did. Twelve gallons of water cascaded out my porthole. Talk about your Holy Shit.

It was like my ass was the Tomb of Christ, and he pushed away the stone, and out he came in the form of an uber-wet flow of a dark sienna hued discharge.

Diet fads, be damned…The only weight loss plan one needs is the love of Jeebus Christ. Fill your soul with JC and he will clean your colon out. Amen.

Of course, now that Easter is here, it’s time to pack on a few pounds today.

And how will I do that, you ask?

Well, Schmoop and I are going to lay blankets and pillows on the living room floor, watch TV, and eat…naked…all Damn day.

Here’s a little of what’s on the Resurrection Menu…

After I stop by Schmoop’s brother’s for a few, I am headed to pick up a Crave Case of White Castle hamburgers.

Of course, weak from my fast, I’ll pick up a Burger King Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Croisan’wich on the way.

Later, we may have some chicken nuggets, and of course, what is Easter without the greasy goodness of SPAM. Mmmmmmm, SPAM. God is great!!

And here it is folks…Schmoop and I have been living in sin together for nearly nine years. She has always had one, hard and fast rule…

“I don’t care if you do cook it yourself, there will be no fucking liver in this house, Matthew.”

Well, Schmoop broke her long standing rule and rewarded my Lenten efforts.

Yep, Schmoop picked up some liver at the store for me yesterday. It is currently in the fridge soaking in milk, and waiting to be cooked up.

Jeebus loves me this I know.

So there you have it…an Easter full of meat, movies and oral sensation. I hope yours is every bit as good as mine.

Have a wonderful Resurrection Day, all. If I don’t see you tomorrow, it can mean only thing…

I fell into a meat coma.

Cheers!!

Thank God It's Good Friday

It's Holy Week Happy Hour™ , so, drink up Bitches, the laughs and Bagwine are on me.

As I have pointed out this week, Hayzoos was one funny Messianic Mo-Foe.

Facing certain death, did not dull JC’s spear tipped wit.

When the Romans came to escort him to his demise, he told them:

“I can’t go until I do LX Push-Ups and do my XXX minute Pontius Pilates workout, LOL. I wanna be able to push away that big stone later. LOL.”

And then Jeebus spoke to a couple of the Centurions:

“Hey boys, I had the strangest dream last night. God was speaking to me and kept calling me Moses.

I said, "Father, my name is Jesus, not Moses, yet God kept calling me Moses, Moses, Moses..."

I finally said to him, "My God, my God, why have you mistaken me? LOL."

Yeah baby, JC’s stand-up act was kickin’ ass to the end. He even turned his Heavenly Hilarity onto one of the condemning Rabbis:

“Yo, Rabbi, what’s the difference between a horny pig and a Pharisee? A horny pig eats pork. Bada Bing, Bitches. LOL.”

And then he spoke...

"Y'know how I walked on water? I strapped on a pair of water moccasins. LOL"

Once at Golgotha, and getting readied to be hung up, J-Mac entertained the crowd by doing one of his now famous Knock-Knock jokes…

Like the one he told to the onlookers, using Simon as his straight man:

Knock-Knock…Who’s There? God…God Who? Goddam this is gonna hurt!! LOL.

He brought the crowd down with that one and then had a request. He shouted to Andrew:

“Yo, ‘Drew-Dawg…Get this party started by throwing on some Crucifixion music. Throw on that song that I like so much.”

With that, Andrew played this, centuries later, Bagwine Classic:

After the Romans nailed JC to the cross, and firmly planted the crucifix into the hillside, Jeebus got in one last zinger:

“I’m just glad that the KKK has yet to be invented, because they’d set this crucifix on fire, and I’d end up with Hot Cross Buns. LOL”

And with that, the crowd laughed, Jeebus looked skyward, and simply said...

“Tetelestai, Bitches”.

And so it was…

I hope you have enjoyed your Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week here at Bagwine Ruminations. Be safe, have fun, and enjoy your Easter Weekend.

Believe or not, Jeebus' words ring true, and if we all practiced them, it would make this world a better place.

Let's lose our apathy about being better people. I mean, just think if the above picture that funny man and thinker, Hammer sent me was true...This world would suck.

In the words of Christ and others who have followed his example, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Have a wunnerful Easter, all.

Tetelestai, Bitches!!

Cheers!!

Foresaking, Pharaoh, and Fasting

Today is a HUGE day during this Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ of 2009.

Holy Wednesday marks the day that Judas conspired with the Sanhedrin to have Jeebus arrested and rubbed out. AND…

Tonight at sundown marks the beginning of Passover. AND…This is the last day that I will be consuming any food whatsoever until Easter Morning.

Yes indeed. The Jews are preparing to leave Egypt. I’m on the eve of a 72 hour fast, and Judas is makin’ Jeebus his bitch. Christ Almighty things are happenin’!!

Now, let’s talk about this Judas/Jeebus thing. Judas betrayed Jeebus with a kiss, which identified him to Roman authorities.

In return, Judas received 30 pieces of silver.

Why did he do this? That has been a matter of much speculation. However, the answer to that question lies within his name.

Mr. Betrayal had a nasty drug habit that he had to support. He was hooked on PCP…big time. What does that have to do with his name, you ask.

You see, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.

However, being a PCP addict, those who knew him, referred to him jokingly as, “Jew Dust.”

And now you know why Herbert “Jew Dust” Iscariot betrayed the Holy Baby Jeebus. Sad.

Now let’s move on to the Jewish observance of Passover. The Jews were in bondage in Egypt, and Moses, when not dorking Anne Baxter or Yvonne DeCarlo, spoke with God.

God told him that 10 plagues would come to Egypt and that finally Pharaoh would let them leave.

So after flies, bloody rivers, and the introduction of IKEA stores invaded Egypt, God really got pissed.

He plagued Egypt with the death of every firstborn son.

Now in order to make sure that Jewish heirs were not killed, the Jews were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of a spring lamb, and the plague would Pass Over their homes.

They did. It did, and then they left Egypt. Jeez, how come it took Cecil B. DeMille four frickin’ hours to tell this story?

Anyhoo, I have always thought that since the blood of a lamb could prevent death I would try it as well.

Some years ago I had three pints of blood drawn from me and replaced with lamb’s blood. It seems to protect me well.

But, I still apply a little topically every Passover for insurance.

The only ill effects I have experienced from lamb’s blood coarsing through me and on me are the following:

I have an uncontrollable urge to eat ivy. When I shower, instead of soap, I use mint jelly, and the worse one?

Greek dudes are always tryin’ to sneak up from behind me and screw me in my hindquarters. So far, my ass has remained chaste.

Now lastly, on this most Holy Wednesday, a warning.

After today, I shall be fasting until Easter. I cannot be held responsible for what may appear on this blog during my, Caloric Purge for Christ.

If I begin to babble incoherently, do not call a doctor, a cleric, or especially a Greek dude. I’ll muddle through.

And with that, a picture of my Last Supper…

What is this meatless feast? Onion and Herb Stuffing baked with kidney beans, garlic, and Velveeta.

Oh yeah, Baby!! Is that Yum-Oh, or what?

More Hole-ly-ness to come tomorrow!!

Cheers!

Holy Tuesday, Matt-Man!!

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues today. And today? It’s Holy Tuesday.

Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.

It’s like the line uttered in an episode from Seinfeld by Newman rings true…

"Tuesday has no feel."

However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.

It is a story spoken by Jeebus that talks about ten virgins, a bridegroom, lamp oil, and the importance of always being prepared for Judgment Day. For, we know not when it shall come.

In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.

And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.

Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…

But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.

In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.

On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.

Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…

Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles. John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.

The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.

Anyhoo…Jeebus got the festivities started by saying, “Behold, we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”

The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.

It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.

The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.

They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.

The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.

The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.

And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.

All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…

“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”

Damn right they do, Bart.

Take that Newman…No Jeebus for You!!.

Cheers!!

Jesus Effing Christ!!

I like to use expletives frequently. I try to use them as a form of emphasis and/or just to be rude.

Well since this is Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week ™, I thought I should cut back or refrain altogether from cussing on here.

Especially avoiding the phrase where I say, Jesus Fucking Christ.

It wasn’t just my idea. Jeebus told me to try to clean my language up during His special week.

He said to me last night…

“Matt-Man, I love you, but please, try to stop using such colorful language. If I can do it; you can do it.”

Now for those of you not as intimate with The Lord as I, the “if I can…you can…” line may seem odd. Well, trust me it’s not.

Ol’ Jeebus may be the Son of God, but in addition to being that and a sarcastic practical joker, the boy used to cuss up a storm.

Damn straight, he did.

He used to call his apostle John a big girlie man and shout at him in Greek saying things like, “John ya big sissy, you are such a Kappa. Upsilon. Nu. Tau.”

He used to refer to Pontius Pilate as a, "mealy mouthed dago pussy." And referred to Romans in general as, "pasta eating pig fuckers."

I think Jeebus’ dad finally told him to cool it when he said to an adulteress woman…

“Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more, you dick twizzlin’ ho-bag.”

Jeebus now swears very rarely, however if I happen to mention Joyce Meyer to him he usually let’s out a…

“Screw that used up, lyin’ ass, douche bag.”

Ha. That one always cracks me up, because his face always shrivels up like a rotten bell pepper when he says it.

So anyway…Since it is Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week ™, and because Jeebus asked me to, I’ll try to control my bad language. Especially any phrase that uses his name and the F-Word.

However, if I see something funny that may contain some bad language such as that, I may falter and post it. But, I’ll try to be strong and refrain from doing so.

Do you think I’ll be strong enough?
.

.

.

.

Ha. I didn't think so either.

Have a wunnerful Monday.

Cheers

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Palm Sunday 2009

It’s going to be a warm yet stormy Sunday here in Bagwine, and the rest of the week has much colder, crappy weather on tap for us.

But, that’s okay, because I will be awash in the sunlight of the Lord, for today marks the beginning of Holy Week, or as I call it…

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week!!™

Today we celebrate Palm Sunday. For those of you who are either uninformed or misinformed as to what Palm Sunday is, let me ‘splain.

Jeebus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey the week before his death and resurrection so he could whoop it up one last time before getting nailed.

So after the Jeebus Day Parade, complete with Assyrian Clowns and Persian Shriners, Jeebus gathered his 12 Apostles together.

They ate a slew of Little Caesar’s Pizza and drank Mogen David wine by the gallon.

After becoming sated from the pizza and horny from the wine, they formed a circle.

In the middle of the circle sat a naked and oiled up Mary Magdalene who was doing unspeakable things with a shofar.

Jeebus and his Apostles began to masturbate to the point of climaxing simultaneously. And that my friends is why this day is known as Palm Sunday.

But…There’s more.

After their collective, ecumenical ejaculation, J-Man proclaimed the little known 11th Commandment by saying unto those gathered…

“Eatin Ain’t Cheatin’, Bitches!!”

Thusly, the Lord and his Holy Henchmen took turns givin’ Mary’s hoo-ha a tongue bath.

Mary was squirming around like an eel out of water with every lick and that is why Palm Sunday is also known as a movable feast.

Is this true, you ask? Of course it is, because I believe it.

Amen and Amen.

I’m off to work all day at the beer mine and then meeting up with Ryno afterwards, so I bid you adieu.

Enjoy your Sunday, all.

Cheers!!

Wie Gehts, Jeebus?

One week to go until Jeebus becomes nothing more than a dead Jew danglin' from a cross.

Is that exciting or what? I tellz ya, I'm all a-twitter with ecumenical excitement.

And...

My colon is puckering and unpuckering in anticipatory glee over once again eating meat just nine long short days from now.

Praise Jeebus!!

Speaking of praising Jeebus, I have a question for you all...especially those of you of the Christian persuasion.

It is said, that good works matter not and that the only way into Heaven is by accepting Jeebus as one's Lord and Savior.

If this is true...Is Hitler looking down upon us while gnawing on a bratwurst in all of his mono-testicular glory?

If this man (and other evildoers) who gassed, cut open, and otherwise killed 6,000,000 Heebs, accepted Jeebus prior to offing himself and his Teutonic Tart of a wife, according to the aforementioned Heavenly theory...

Hitler is indeed in Heaven.

Can somebody please explain the infinite justice in all of this to me? I need the info.

Have a heavenly Friday, all.

Cheers!!

Meus Profiteor

I am in a good mood today.

Schmoop and I are both off today.

Her brother David is coming over for cocktails later.

Ryno and his mom are undoubtedly enjoying the four day, school sponsored tour of Washington, D.C.

Simple things like that make me happy.

However, I must confess something to you all. Yesterday on my site, I lied. Well, I didn’t lie. I plagiarized.

If you re-read yesterday’s post and then compare it to the Biblical verses of Matthew 5:1-16, you will see that they say the same thing.

Ha. That’s right.

I took the first sixteen verses of the Sermon on the Mount (which includes The Beatitudes) and applied them to our times, and to my blog. Clever, no?

I was waiting for somebody to pick up on that, but alas, only Jeebus did, and he told me that he was quite amused by it.

I myself, was chuckling when replacing the Salt of the Earth allegory with telling you that you are the Bagwine in the Bottle.

Ha. I kill myself sometimes.

But I will tell ya…while the post was full of satirical hyperbole, I meant everything that I said.

Anyhoo…

Because of the positive effect that my ontological message had, I am making some changes in the Bible.

The Sermon on the Mount will now be known as the, Sermon of the Matt…or the, Sermon Before the Mount. I haven’t decided yet.

The Beatitudes? That’s easy. From now unto eternity, they will be known as, The Be-Matt-Ti-Tudes.

And that, was that.

Friday is a VERY special day here at Bagwine. I hope you can join me for it.

And, as I said, Schmoop and I are both off today, so I hope I can make Friday’s special post in a timely manner.

We tend to drink when we are together. It helps us tolerate each other.

Enjoy your Thursday…

Cheers!!

Matt-Siah Speaks...

There were a throng of comments about God yesterday, so...

I decided to climb once more upon my mile high soap box and imbue a few more pearls of wisdom unto the blogospherical masses.

These are tough economic times and damn it, if you’re hurting, chin up folks, better days lie ahead and maybe even a job.

If you, like the folks who lost family members in recent plane crashes are saddened over a personal loss, I will be happy to offer you some “solace”.

If you feel trampled upon by others, don’t worry, your time will come. I’ll help you achieve your dream. I will help you become a righteous dude or dudette.

If you are nice to me, I’ll be nice to you, and…if you, like me, are a good person, maybe we can hook up some time and see “God” together. ; )

Those of you who play nice and don’t attack each other on my site, as well as those who have been attacked on here, are very special to me, and have a standing invite to come to the digs and party with me.

Those of you who have been mocked, lied about and such while on my site, don’t fret, Bitches. Much like commenters from the past, you are a better person for it and it will show at some point.

I hope you guys continue to visit Bagwine Ruminations. ‘Cause, well…you are the Bagwine. And if you no longer stop by, the bottle dries up and sits empty.

And really, what good is an empty bottle? It just gets thrown at the dumpster, misses, and shatters.

You guys brighten my day and my life. Y’all are like the city of Denver…mile high, saying, “Look at me!!”

And I do look, because you cannot camouflage your humor, wit, and brilliant charm.

I see you as shiny, happy people, and I hope everyone from here to eternity sees the same thing in you that I do.

Was that a great exhortation or what!?

Let’s see Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, or any of those other bums come up with something like that.

Hell’s fire, even Jeebus couldn’t orate like that. Okay, maybe Jeebus could, but you’d have to look long and hard in the Bible to find something that moving.

Cheers!!

Is Jesus a Big Mary?

I found out something funny last night.

Jeebus pees, sitting down...No shit, he really does.

He stopped by Sunday night to watch some hoops with me and toss back a few.

After a couple of cold ones, Jeebus said, “Damn, I broke the Holy Seal, Matt-Man, I gots to piss.”

So he went to take a leak. Shortly after that, I slobbered some chip dip on my shirt so I went to the bedroom to change shirts.

On my way, I walked past the bathroom and lo and behold…The bathroom door was wide open and there was Jeebus, sittin’ on the can takin’ a leak.

After I did a double take, I shook my head like a Tex Avery cartoon character and asked…

“What in God’s name are you doing, Jeebus!?”

He said, “What the Hell’s it look like? I’m sittin’ on the throne takin’ a piss. LOL.”

I said, “Yeah, but…I mean, c’mon. You’re the Son of God and you’re taking a leak like a woman, for God’s sake.”

Jeebus responded...

“Don’t use my father’s name when speaking of my vein. LOL. Seriously Matt-Man, it’s much easier this way.

I can just lose the robe, sit, and piss. Trying to hold up the robe and grab hold of my Johnson while pissing, leads to a wet floor and urine soaked clothing.”

After thinking about what he said, I could only conclude that he was dead on correct. He wears a robe. He’s got a huge schlong (He is Jeebus after all), and I know for a fact that he’s a neat freak.

He told me once that the real reason he chased the moneychangers from the Temple wasn’t because they were charging people to worship God.

It was because they refused to use coasters under their wine glasses. Oh yeah, Jeebus likes to keep things tidy.

Anyhoo…I told him to keep the door closed next time, because I didn’t want Schmoop to wake up and see Jeebus sitting there making a sound like a sacred cow pissin’ on a rock of ages.

After that, Jeebus had one more beer and had to get going. He said to me…

“I’d stay for another, but I am frickin’ hungry. Ya wanna go grab a couple of Burrito Supremes at the Bell, my treat? Oh that’s right…You’re doing that meatless thing again for Lent. Man, it sucks to be you. LOL.”

With that, I laughed, we High-Fived, and then he left, laughing all the way. What a Merry Messiah he is.

Just 20 days left of this meatless stint folks, and then I’ll go and get that damn burrito. AND I’ll eat bacon and sausage right in front of jocular Jeebus as well.

Let’s see how much laughing Hebrew-Boy will be doing then.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Jeebus Loves Me, This I Know

And now, on this third Sunday of Lent and because I am incredibly hungover, a word from my special friend, Jeebus...

Hi gang, and may my dad be with your asses. I looooove the Matt-Man. So much so, that I don't consider him to be my 13th Disciple...

I consider myself his Number One Disciple. I am looking out for him all of the time.

During Lent as he gives up meat and eats foods rich in fiber, some of his darkest and most painful times are spent on the toilet. I am there for him when he sits upon the throne.

Schmoop may not see God when she has sex with the Matt-Man, but when she wants to get her freak on with him, there's a good chance she'll see me!!

Matt-Man is a devout heterosexual indeed, but I spend time with others in his house that are, shall we say, of ambigous sexual orientation...

At all times, I can be seen, felt, and heard hovering just above Matt-Man's right shoulder. I am one ubiquitous mo-foe.

See this light in the corner of the Bagwine digs. Just a simple light you say? You're not looking closely enough...

Oh, I forgot...Turn on the damn thing, and watch the messianic magic happen...

I am the Light and the Way, Bitches!! Hahahahahaha and Boo Yah. Let's now listen to a little Don McLean.

And remember, Jeebus Loves You!!

Lastly before I go to work eight hours in the beer mines, I'd like to wish Jeff from A Word in Edgewise, a Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday funny man.

And to all of you...

Cheers!!

Meatlessness Equals Meatiness

Well my friends…

We are now two weeks into Lent, and guess what? I have lost about 4 ½ pounds.

Ash Wednesday I weighed 187 and now, I am fluctuating of late between 182 and 183.

If this trends continues, when Jeebus arises, scratches his balls, and moves that stone away on Easter morn, I will weigh a mere 173.5 pounds.

173.5 pounds, people!!

I weighed more than that in High School. Do you know what this means?

It means I’ll be light on my feet. My heart will be pumping forcefully, and best of all…?

I’ll be able to see my wanker again even while it’s flaccid!!

Damn straight. I’ll no longer have to grope Schmoop or look at porn in order to look down and see my buddy, Seamus.

Ol’ Seamus will be out there in plain sight...

Be I completely ambivalent while watching a baseball game or completely worked up because a half-drunk and entirely horny Schmoop just summoned me to the bedroom for the “seventh inning stretch”.

I can dig that!!

Some guys spend boo-koos of cash on Enzyte and other con-cock-tions in order to gain size.

I simply stop eating meat, give my soul and colon to Christ, and voila…

My once ambiguous, hard to find penis becomes a bright and towering obelisk pointing skyward as it celebrates the glory of Gawd!!

Praise Jeebus, and call Lindsay Roberts…I have a special donation just for her…although I’m probably 25-30 years too old for her tastes.

Anyhoo…Come Resurrection Day, not only will our Lord and Savior, Jeebus Christ be set free, my Matt-Manliness will be released from bondage as well.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Cheers!!