Clocked up beneath the clouds
They're counting down to show time
When we do it for real with the crowds
Air miles are owing
But they don't come for free
And they don't give you any for pain
But if it's all for nothing
All the roadrunning's
Been in vain…”
--Mark Knopfler
Something changed Thursday. In me. (I apologize for the Hemmingway-esque opening, Starr.)
Friday morning I woke up and things had changed. I had an epiphany; only this time it wasn’t from a dream.
It was a lightning strike of reality followed by a thunderclap of absoluteness…a cannonade of stark tangibility that echoed on exponentially.
I have a stupid, little blog. That’s it. That’s what all of this is.
Up until late Thursday, I was still under the delusion that somehow, even as I approach 44 years of age, I was going to make an impact on this world.
But, no…I know I won’t. My words are not going to change lives, instill a purpose, or lead to great things. They will just be a footnote on how to write third rate dick jokes.
My post yesterday was not an attempt to create some middle school type drama, or a gotcha post.
I was very close to deleting this blog from the internets. I allowed myself to feel that it wasn’t important.
And really, it’s not.
But then, I realized…This is the only thing that I can claim to be mine, and mine alone.
I gave up my house a few years ago. I own no property. Hell, even most of the clothes that I have were picked out by the ex years ago.
Bagwine Ruminations is the only thing that I can honestly say belongs to me. Sad?
Eh, yeah. But it’s mine, and I have to keep it going, because it’s what I do and who I am.
I am not offering this explanation in the hopes of eliciting maudlin comments. I am doing this because, well, frankly, I wanted to get it off my chest.
You see, around here I am a monolith and testament to cool, calm serenity. Anger and whininess from me is frowned upon.
Well, sometimes it gets bottled up, and hurts. And so, I guess you guys get to be the recipient of it.
I feel better now, except for one last thing.
Prior to Friday morning I was of course my same ol’ cynical, sarcastic self, but now?
I feel a bit jaded as well. I don’t like that.
Cheers!!
71 comments:
For you I will overlook brevity ;)
Being jaded or at least feeling it every now and again is highly unpleasant. Just went through a patch of that myself so I feel for you there. You'll bounce back though =)
Starr: Dick went in. It felt good. I came. Ahhh, I know how you love Ernie. The jaded thing is not good. I have never been that way...ever. Cheers Pal!!
Now if Papa had written *that* I might just have liked him ;)
Jaded sucks. I hate feeling that way, I hate myself when I feel that way and that makes me feel like I am living in an ill fitting suit, if you know what I mean. So I am thinking happy unjaded thoughts at you!
I was starting to say something hopefully witty but it didn't come out right so I'll just go now.
I like Iz' version of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." Do you?
Starr: You nailed it. It is an ill-fitting suit on me as well. Thanks for putting words into my mouth. Cheers!!
Jannie: Ha. Thanks for the comment and yes I do...and I just pulled it up. It made me smile, once again. Thanks for that. Cheers!!
I'm relieved you're sticking around, Matty. Give a gal quite a scare, will ya? If even the Matt-Man is growing jaded, the world is indeed becoming a sad place. You may not think that you're making an impact, and this is probably exactly the sort of maudlin comment you aren't fishing for but I don't care.
I think you are making an impact, and I think the outpouring of shock and displeasure yesterday proves it. You give me something, and I think your other commenters would agree. You give me levity, you give me hope, you give me a little light in the darkness, and that's always a good thing.
Sometimes it's the small changes that mean the most; as they add up, penny by penny, drop by drop, person by person, heart by heart.
Thanks for sticking it out, Matty. My life is a little brighter for it.
Boo: Wow...I think I just blushed. No, I wasn't fishing, but I would be disingenuous if I didn't say that was one helluva nice thing to hear. Thanks alot, Boo. Cheers!!
T'is a bittersweet tune for sure.
I'll be in touch!
"The English word 'jade' is derived from the Spanish term piedra de ijada (first recorded in 1565) or 'loin stone', from its reputed efficacy in curing ailments of the loins"
so polonius...loin-stoned ?
smile
and jannie...Iz's version is one of my all time faves...if I ever got married again..it would be to that song.
There seems to be a lot of reflecting and self evaluation going on these days, dear Matt-Man. Oliver Wendell Holmes wrote:
"Have as your goal to do your best and to make a difference. We are in the world to make a difference, and everything we do changes the world."
Sometimes—usually—we don’t see the good we do, the changes we make in this tired old world.
Blessings, my friend.
Sending hugs to you, Matty me darlin'. You know I'm thinking of you.
My, my, baby blue
(yeah Im thinkin bout you)
My, my, baby blue
Yeah, youre so jaded
And WE'RE the ones that jaded you
You would have been missed greatly.. we like that you OWN this...
Hey, some people don't even own a blog.
wait- are you having PMS?
but if you're NOT, just know that I always love visiting you, getting a laugh, and knowing that YOU will always tell it like it is. That's how you roll, and THAT'S why we all read you.
stick around. We always need straight shooters. (get your mind OUT of the gutter...)
Ahh, that old 44th year epiphany.
Your growing stronger Mr. Matt-Man.
Teach us all something now will ya?
Tsk tsk tsk. You know the cyber world is a very big place and to make a difference in it counts for something. You do make a difference Matt. It's not a seat in politics, it's not the best sellers list and it's not center stage or is it all rolled into one. People wake up daily and wonder what has Matt-man posted today. Not just me and my sibs but LOTS of people dude. There is a misconception that these are just stupid blogs. Humor is a gift from God, a precious gift. Regardless of where you deliver, to make others laugh is a powerful thing.
Jannie: It is bittersweet. And thanks, I look forward to it. Cheers!!
Kat: Well that would certainly be useful to me. Thanks for everything. Cheers Kat!!
Nick: Yes, as far as myself, I have been in a cycle of introspection. I'm not sure I like that. Thanks for the quote and the blessing, Nick. Cheers!!
Songbird: Yeah, I know that and thanks dear. Cheers!!
Cheesy: Sweet. Although sometimes I feel that you guys own me!! Cheers!!
Kanani: Ha. Funny, but that is a good point. Thanks for pointing that out. Cheers!!
Vodka: I guess it is a bit of PMS. I like to shoot straight but I don't want to become angry and bitter. As for my mind being in the gutter...It's always there. Cheers VM!!
Micky: Ya think? How come I don't see that? Get to writing Mick...I mean, when you can. Cheers, my friend!!
Lu: I tell myself those exact thoughts every day. I guess I figured I was lying to myself.
And by the way, your past experience is on of the reasons that I didn't hit the DELETE button on my blog. Cheers Lu!!
You really can't change lives, except your own. Influence? Maybe, change? Nope.
Everything is bullshit and illusions anyway, and after all, you can't vaporize what you are. And doing in the blog would be just hiding the obvious.
Crap, I knew I couldn't make it as a poet.
HUGS!!
Well, my only concern for your blog is in what it means to you. You are right - it's just a blog - there are thousands of blogs out there. But for many of us? It's a link to *you* - the person - the friend. Losing that would be significant.
Hoot: Not so fast, Hoot. Don't sell yourself short. One man's crap is another man's poetry. But as far as changing lives, I like to think big. Cheers!!
Leelee: Mmmmmmmm. That was nice thanks for that. Cheers, Adorable One!!
Dana: That's sweet Dana. But it's hard for me to understand. I have always had some major self-doubt and issues with my self-worth. But thanks for everything, ya goofball. ; ) Cheers!!
So you say that you feel like this blog doesn't make an impact? I say you're wrong. You make us laugh. ee cummings wrote that the mosted wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Food for thought my darling Matt-Man. I would miss you greatly because when I read you I always laugh and that is the best way for me to start my day. Cheers baby!
If just one person opens the blog each day and laughs, feels better, stronger - whatever, I think that is important
and that one person could just be the author of the blog
many, many, many people go through all their lives saying absolutely nothing of any content to anyone - including themselves
I'm sorry I was so abrupt and dismissive yesterday. I was caught up in too much drama and couldn't handle the thought of losing you so I took it out on you. It's fucked up but it's true ;)
We all have self doubt and some self loathing. You are part of MY connection fella...
Yes, my quick to delete reaction was a bummer, while I was quite hurt by that attack I should have just backed away and licked my wounds. I had some creative stuff on DILLAPP if I do say so myself. You are in part the reason I came back so quickly :) Without a doubt, cheers.
You do make a difference Matt. And honestly it's the small things that make the world go round =)
Lady Jaye: Thanks dear. I guess sometimes I see that and without going into specifics as to why this happened I just didn't see that. Cheers LJ!!
Dianne: Ha. Di, you never need apologize to me. I'll dig ya no matter what. Thanks for the kind words. Have an un-fucked up Saturday, sweetheart. Cheers!!
Lu: I understand ya, pal. And I was thinking that you deleted your blog in a moment of haste because of someone else. I was about to do the same thing but realized that if I gonna delete or quit, I should do it because of myself. See? You paved the way for me. Cheers Lu!!
Starr: Shuddup. ; ) Off to see my kidlet now. Have a good Saturday pal. Cheers!!
Matty, I'm glad you're hangin' around, or uhhh...sticking around. Errrr...ummm...okay, damn it, I'm glad you didn't delete Bagwine Ruminations!
Feel the love and can the self doubt. The fact that most of us were worried and yes a bit scared for you should prove that you have so much worth to this small corner of the world. Believe it or not Matt.. I for one consider you family now. Hug Ryno big time for evil aunt Cheese.
...illegitimi non carborundum...(go ahead, google it)
I understand that most of us are not curing cancer with our blogs, but each and everyone make an impact of some sort.
I am glad you are not giving up on us. And we will not give up on you!
Seems like a lot of us out here are having these sorts of epiphanies lately. I feel like I'm stuck on a hampster wheel and I have no idea where or when I'm supposed to get off...only that I'm truly not enjoying the ride.
For what it's worth (damn little, but it's all I got!) you have made an impact on me. You are my friend and I love visiting your blog and getting some chuckles each day. Your wit and intelligences shines through on even the silliest of blog posts, and that brings me greats enjoyment and satisfaction.
Please stick around. Not because we "need" you too, but because we "want" you to.
Dude. You inspired me with my post today. See? You do make a difference.
I, I have no words. 'cause I know words don't stop things from happening most of the time anyway.(case in point: a long time ago an acquaintence confided in me she was contemplating suicide. i gave her my best WORDS and she ended up killing herself anyway).
All I know is YOU maKe a difference in my sister's life {each and every one of her new blogging buddies - you know who you are} (a very POSITIVE difference) and for that I am eternally grateful.
oh, wait - I found some words:
'tis better to have had Matt-Man and lost him than never to have had Matt-Man at all.
you do what you gotta do for YOU, but I (and many others as you can see) was very glad to "see" you this morning!
Cheers,
CrAzY: Ha. Thanks. I'm glad I didn't delete it either. Cheers to you and your family!!
Cheesy: Don't get me wrong. I never thought that some of you guys consider me your bud, it was something else that was going on here. Ryno had to go to B-Ball practice, but I had enough time with him to give him a big ol' hug. Cheers Cheese!!
Phfrankie: Damn fuckin' straight. Nor shall I go gentle into that good night. Cheers P-Man!!
Karen: True enough, but I have always wanted to do something in those terms of magnitude. But hey, how can I walk away and miss seeing your horny picture nearly everyday? Cheers Karen!!
Giggle: You're the best and I know you have been somewhat in the dumps. Oddly enough, you touched upon what triggered this episode. Intelligence. I'll hang in there if you do the same...and if you quit changing blog addresses. ; ) Cheers!!
Starr: You're just saying that because you want to get nekkid with me in Kentucky this summer. I'll be 'round soon Starr!! Cheers!!
Dice: Thanks. You, your sister, P-Man, and Mick-Master K are the best. Okay, Phfrankie is disturbed, but that's okay. I really do appreciate what you just said. Have a great weekend. Cheers Dice!!
Damn. Found out again ;)
Starr: Well, hell, could you be anymore obvious? I mean, maybe if you sent pictures of yourself naked to me. Be obvious, Starr, be obvious!! ; ) Cheers!!
"To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent (that would be me) persons and the affection of children (that would be Ryno); to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty (and great knockers); to find the best in others (even Vinny and Doggy Bloggy!); to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child (again, Ryno), a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung (I’ve heard ya, buddy!) with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
I would say you are a success in Ralph's (and my) book.
Recall the wisdom of gardeners the world over with an eye towards the natural rhythms of the seasons and the Seasons of the Soul: This, too, shall pass.
Love and Hugs.
Ask my ex boyfriend for em ;)
Desert Rat: I hate you. ; ) If you didn't know...I have a HUGE sappy, sentimental side and that quote did me in. But, in spite of that, you still rock my world. Cheers Rat!!
Starr: Ewwwww. They'll be "tainted". Cheers !!
Oh he wouldn't have given them to you anyhow. He's too decent for that for all that he his a slacker ass slacker.
Hell Matt-Man, even while I'm in the mist of Football season, I find time to read your blog DAILY!
Your lasting mark on the world is: first your "Masterpiece" Second- the friends you make along the way.
I don't know how many times I have talked about your posts in my daily conversations.
KEEP ON KEEPING ON!
Matt,
I've purposely not read any of the comments so that I can just say what I need to say without being influenced. So if it echoes what someone else has said, tough! I claim the words as my own.
You've already made a difference, at least in my world. As I've already told you:
"Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value."
- Albert Einstein
You're my buddy, and you're stuck with me.
Love ya, pal'o'mine!
Al: Wow...As I said before. I am flattered. I get the Masterpiece part but knowing that you reference me through your day, kinda makes feel odd. In a good way. Thanks bud. And you keep on, keepin' on yourself. Cheers and Thanks!!
Anndi: Awww buddy, what I can say to you? Bend Over? ; ) Ha. Kidding, sorta...I like you quite a bit, and I love the quote. I hope we continue to be stuck together for a long, long time. Cheers Anndi!!
*smacks Matty on the butt for old time's sake*
I have no blog, I'm not jaded, hell-bells, even the cat on my balcony belongs to my neighbor.
But I do have a great bottle of wine and a kick-ass rabbit style corkscrew. Woo Hoo.
Cheers Matt-Man
I've been feeling like that for a while... in fact it's probably why I first started blogging. I didn't feel like anybody ever actually listened to me. I was just an appendage of the kid and husband and this stupid failing business that I run.
So, blogging isn't going to win any of us national recognition? We found each other this way. That's something.
Dork. You ARE the Mother Theresa of the blogosphere. Look at your following! It's an online orphanage of frustrated poets, writers, and other voices from the suburban wasteland.
Pish posh... you want big, you've already got it Frater Matt Man!
Write was is in you to write, and let it first be for you.
No big flowery words today.
Just this: you're a bud and I do give a rip!
Glad you're sticking around.
Anndi: Thank you ma'am may I have another. Cheers!!
Metalmom: That was very nice, and I wish all of you would stop by here sometime. Love ya, buddy. Cheers!!
David: Ha. Thanks for the comment. From the looks of your attitude, your should comment more often.
Marilyn: "So, blogging isn't going to win any of us national recognition? We found each other this way."
Damn it Marilyn, especially at this time of season, you know how to lay it on the line. You are sooo right. Cheers to ya Pal.!!
Kanani: Holy Shit. I would like to believe that. But My God, that was wonderful. I may post that in my sidebar. Seriously, that was nice, Kanani. Cheers!!
Travis: I know that, as you know that. It's hard sometimes. Bit it doesn't matter, because I have buddies like you. Thanks. Cheers!!
Jeff: Fuck Off!! Ha. You know I'm kiddin'. I think you are one of the funniest people I know. And I know you are one helluva guy. Cheers my friend!!
crap I leave town for a few days and come back to find you might have disappeared off the blog radar..glad you re-thought that bad idea and are here to still amuse & entertain us another day. May I suggest the next time you have one of those bi-polar moments that you treat yourself to the half gallon version of the bag wine and curl up on vikki or lucy or whatever your couch/beds name is ( I have short term memory issues and can't recall the name of your beloved)I really think this is just a case of election let down. Cheers Matt Man!
But you know...this little blog of yours gives joy to many so you are making an impact...the largest wave is caused by the smallest ripple upon the water my friend.
I want you all to know,and you too Matt Man, this was all my fault. I was wrong, and I am impatient, and I want things to happen NOW! You guys are the best, and even though I don't blog much or go to sites, and comment....I want you all to know I think you are all wonderful, and I thank you, and I'm so very sorry. Matthew, you are a GREAT writer, don't ever forget that. I love you.
no matter what you may claim your faults to be....I am fairly certain you Miz Schmoop are a saint...
smile.
Snugs: Ha. Well put. And "Kelly" thanks you. Thanks Snugs. Cheers!!
Hope: Boo!! Now, come and spank me. Cheers Hope!!
Bond: Shuddup you. ; ) Thanks Vin, I dig ya. Cheers!!
Schmoop: You didn't need to do that, babe. Anyway, whatever was, was. It will all be fine. Loves and Cheers!!
Kat: She's pretty sweet, but a saint? I must help you to draw the line on this one. Cheers Kat!!
Oh and I haven't had time to read through all of the comments to see if this has been covered yet, but were you trying to go for a Hunter S. Thompson look in that picture or was it just coincidence? LOL
Aliie: Mmmmmmmm. Wish I had that hug. Hunter? No...It was late and I just snapped it in the kitchen..But by golly there is a gonzo thing going on there isn't there? Cheers sexy!!
And another thing.... :) If there were no Matt Man, what other blog as good as this could I find to try to resist the temptation to read?
And I am here, aren't I?
The angel on my shoulder just got a black eye, hm?
Lot's of very nice comments on here Matt. You are loved!
Jenn: Ha. You are too kind, Jen. Just in case I don't "see ya" prior to Thursday, have a wunnerful Thanksgiving. Cheers!!
Back atcha Matt Man!
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