Not one to just sit back and attend…The O-Man decided that when in Las Vegas do as the Las Vegans. So, he did a brief stand-up act.
Thanks to the work of the crack Bagwine staff, I give you the joke by joke transcript of his comedy act…
Hey y’all. What a good looking crowd, albeit very white. In fact, I haven’t seen this many white people in one place since I saw a video on You Tube of an Air Supply concert. Ba Dump Bump.
How many of you are from out of town? Me too. In fact…I just flew in from D.C. and boy…my arms aren’t tired at all. Ba Dump Bump. Ha. Hell, I had a nice steak dinner and then took a two hour nap aboard Air Force One.
Have you seen all the smack down that is going on of late between Dick Cheney and Colin Powell? I know exactly how it all got started.
A couple of weeks ago, Dick Cheney and Colin Powell walked into a Chinese restaurant. And they both ordered the Kung Pao Chicken.
Powell saw, that unlike Cheney, he didn’t get an egg roll with his dinner.
Powell asked the guy at the counter. “Sir, Cheney and I ordered the same thing. Why did only Dick get eggroll?”
“Ahhhh so verly sorry Mr. Powell, but with five militarly deferments, person get egg roll.” Ba Dump Bump.
Some people say I am here to help raise money for Harry Reid’s 2010 Senate reelection campaign. That’s only half true.
While I am here to help raise money for Harry Reid, the money is not for his campaign; it will be used to buy Harry a personality. Ba Dump Bump.
I was going to do a little Siegfried and Roy thing for ya, but the only one capable of trying to eat me alive was busy. Yes indeed…Rush Limbaugh said that tonight was no good because he had a date with his Richard Nixon Blow-Up Fuck Doll. Ba Dump Bump.
Boo Yah!! Gimme another rim shot on that one, Rahm. Ba Dump Bump. Rahm Emanuel on the punch line drum, ladies and gentlemen.Rahm wanted to do his own little bit, but the owners of Caesar’s said that Sam Kinnison was dead and they wanted to keep it that way. Ba Dump Bump.
Ha Ha Ha. Yes indeed, Rahm has quite the foul mouth on him. In fact, he’s the only person in D.C. who can get away with telling Dick Cheney to go fuck hizzself. Ba Dump Bump.
I guess by now you’ve heard that I have picked Sonia Sotomayor to replace David Souter on the Supreme Court.
She’s the Bronx born daughter of Puerto Rican parents. If confirmed, she will be proof positive that even on the Supreme Court, a white man can be replaced on the job by a Hispanic. Ba Dump Bump.
Southern Conservatives, such as Jeff Sessions and Evangelical groups, such as Focus on the Family will be up in arms over my selection.
Why, you ask? Her views on things such as abortion?…No. On Drugs?…No. On Guns?…No.
You see, Ms. Sotomayor wanted to become a lawyer while growing up watching Raymond Burr portray TV lawyer, Perry Mason.
Because of her early idolization of Raymond Burr, some on the right feel that she will give preferential legal treatment to homosexuals. Ba Dump Bump.Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, Miss Sheryl Crow. And let me tell ya, that’s some Crow I wouldn’t mind eatin’…Ba Dump Bump.
You’ve been a great crowd. Make sure to try the veal and tip your waitress. ‘Cause chances are…they voted for me.
Yeah…That’s how it all went down…because I believe it.
Cheers!!
22 comments:
Perry Mason? I thought her inspiration was Nancy Drew?
just between us....I'm kinda attracted to Rahm....
do you think she will be confirmed?
That was comedy gold my friend. Very funny! You should host next years White House Correspondent's Dinner. haha
Kat: Nancy Drew came first when she wanted to be a cop or investigator. Perry Mason came just a little later. It's in her bio.
Unless there is something illegal or earth shattering about her that is unknown, I can't see how she wouldn't have the votes to be confirmed. Cheers Kat!!
Jay: Ha. I'd looooove to do that. I did it a couple of times for the local, County Democrat Party at their annual breakfast a few years ago. Thanks Jay and great post you put up as well. Cheers!!
Once again, you astound us with your ability to ferret out the truth. Of course, not so astounding when you consider your resemblance to a rodent.
Ba dum bum.
Songbird: I am am a Ferret of Truth. Cheers!!
If confirmed, she will be proof positive that even on the Supreme Court, a white man can be replaced on the job by a Hispanic.That my dear Matt was the single best line of the bunch ... although they were all pretty damn funny!
Dana: Ha. Thanks. Viva La Supremo Courto. Cheers!!
I found the line that Dana pointed out quite funny as well. While distasteful I also liked the eatin crow line ha! Unlike the Pres' I like that your routine was delivered without the nine million uhms that would have surely been in Mr. Obama's stand up. All though if it were written and not off the cuff maybe the uhms would have been at a minimum :)
Lu: Ha. Thanks. I myself come from a long line of "uhmmers".
Those in my family all do it unless we have rehearsed or are reading something...My kid has the same affliction as well.
We tell just tell ourselves that it is because we are all so damn thoughtful and deep. ; ) Cheers lu!!
Good to see you on top of your game Matty
You should have seen the opening act! Good Lord Nancy Pelosi can pole dance like nobody's business!!
and she never blinked which I find quite arousing
TB: Why Thanks...Now how about letting me on top of you? Ba Dump Bump...Thanks Rahm. Cheers TB!!
Dianne: Thanks Di. Mmmmmmmm. Nancy. Such a GILF. Cheers Sexy!!
...I've got a rather peculiar vision of Raymond Burr in my head now...
Phfrankie: Ha. You didn't know he was gay? Oh wow...Big Time. Sorry to put a sexual vision of Perry Mason in his wheelchair getting it on in the jury room with a guy. I mean...um...if that was the case. Cheers P-Man!!
Ha! Very funny dear! I have to say though, Harry Reid will never have a personality!!
Katherine thinks Rahm is hawt? I better keep her away from my brother in September then...
Funny things here today Matt...
Schmoop: That may be true but it's worth a try. Some spend millions on Invitro procedures without guarantee of success. Cheers and Zoves!!
Bond: Kat is not the first woman that I have heard refer to Rahm as hot. Thanks and Cheers Vinny!!
Hoo haw! (wiping tears from my eyes)
Desert Rat: Ha. Thanks for the High Praise. Cheers Rat!!
Sheryl Crow is MINE! You can't have her! Well, you can have that one breast they removed from her...
You should be on one of those political comedy shows...I don't know what they are because I don't watch TV or follow politics but I know they are out there and that you should be on them...
VE: Awww Man, that was so bad it was good. And as for the TV thing? You sum things up so definitively. Cheers VE!!
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