Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Kevin Miller: The Menacing Mer-Man of Sugarcreek Township, Ohio

Just a few miles south of Bagwine, Ohio in Greene County (Sugarcreek Township to be specific), 41 year old Kevin Lee Miller went on a crime spree.

His crimes against humanity were so diabolical and egregious, that for a week, they had the denizens of that area on the brink of terror whenever they left their house.

Fortunately, late Monday evening, the deleterious Mr. Miller, still dripping in the corpus delicti of his atrocities, was arrested in his home by Sugarcreek Twp. Police.

What were the crimes perpetrated by this flagitious man? He wore a woman’s one piece swimsuit, approached women, and asked them how he looked.

He would pop out of the woods along hiking trails or stand on the river bank and ask hikers or canoeists if he looked good in his swimwear.

Here’s a picture of him being led into the Greene County jail…Do you think he looks hot, or what?

Sometimes…now, brace yourself…he would then jog behind the women from whom he had just requested a fashion critique. I know. I was aghast as well.

Now initial reports indicated that that was all that he did. In fact, here is the initial statement from the police:

“Police said Miller will be charged with five counts of public indecency and three counts of menacing.

At no point did he threaten physical harm, but what he was doing made witnesses very uncomfortable, police said.”


Ha…He was charged with all of that for making some people, “very uncomfortable”?

WTF? Since when is making a person very uncomfortable, a crime? Why were these alleged victims so upset?

Hell, the bastard was covering up more of his body in that swimsuit than he would have if he was wearing a man’s swimsuit.

But by God...Kevin Miller, through expressing his surf’s up, feminine side, is labeled a criminal because it made some…uncomfortable.

America…The whiny, “I don’t care if it is legal; I’m offended”, pussification of our country continues…And it has turned a bathing beauty into a criminal.

Sad…

Of course now, hours after he was already charged, it is being alleged that Miller, “partially exposed” himself to some.

What the hell does that mean? Does that mean one of his fake boobs fell out or perhaps his left ass cheek wanted to say “hi” during his jog?

Were there a couple of loose diamonds bouncing about in that lycra enforced one-piece?

Bullshit. The only thing that this guy did wrong? He made some whiny ass, “I refuse to handle things myself” people feel uncomfortable.

While the guy’s habit is a bit amusing, the fact that he was arrested over it, is not. Not At All.

It’s an irreverent, yet salient demonstration as to how many Americans want to ban, arrest, and/or sue anything and anyone who offends them.

Well have me arrested and sue me, Bitches, because today, I am going to walk around in public wearing this:

Did I just make you, very uncomfortable? Or, did I just make some of you very HOT!?

Cheers!!

35 comments:

Jeff B said...

Damn, you are one flat chested sombitch!!!

Jay said...

Well that guy's actions are a little creepy. And Scott Roeder is currently, um, unavailable for vigilante work. So, I guess the cops were the only people they could call.

And that last pic? Extremely disturbing.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...of all the words in the English language, many of which I am quite sure would adequately describe my reation to your photo, "feeling hot" is, most emphatically, not among them...(not that there's anything wrong with it)...

Cheesy said...

Schmoop is gonna be hot when she sees how you have stretched that lovely fabric out!

Miller was just impersonating Borat wasn't he?

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: That may be true but I have other features that are quite stunning. Cheers Jeff!!

Jay: I didn't say his actions weren't creepy. But if creepiness was a crime the prisons would a third fuller than they already are. And your last sentence? That was just plain hurtful. Cheers!!

Phfrankie: I think thou doth protest too much. Cheers P-Man!!

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: It's still intact and unstretched. I was very careful with it.

Ha. Damn right. Miller suffers from BS, Borat Syndrome. Cheers!!

Candice said...

Sweet baby Jesus.....

Random thoughts

1. Dude could have picked a more attractive bathing suit.

2. Dude looks as though he has a rack on him.

3. Matt is a fucking nut. A fucking nut that periodically makes me pee myself.

4. Jeff called Matt a "flat chested sombitch" and made me pee myself again.


6. I'm going to go use the bathroom now.

7. I skipped number 5 on purpose!

Matt-Man said...

Candice: Ha. He stuffed the upper half of his swimsuit suit with bras to give himself that "zaftig" look. I appreciate a guy who goes that extra step.

Sorry about the involuntary urination, but please, don't be dissin' the Dollar Store Diva Suit. Cheers Candice!!

Lu' said...

Looks to me like wearing that garment has caused you to blush a bit :) The color suits you Mat-man

Matt-Man said...

Lu: That's not a blush...it's a glow. And thanks. I'll wear red more often from now on just for you. Cheers Lu!!

Michele said...

Damn it Matt, I got so hot at that photo I had to change my panties before I went to work. LOL!

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ohhhhhh Baby!! I don't care that you are lying, your comment made ME hot. I'm gonna re-read it throughout the day. Have fun at work. Cheers Michele!!

David said...

I'm sure that I would suffocate in Ohio - I think that guy is hilarious. Here we would have him interviewed for the paper as an entertainment feature and possibly have him as the grand marshall for a parade.

You look quite fetching in your new one-piece. Probably the perfect outfit for the beer mines if the A/C goes out this summer. You could run out and hose yourself down to cool off between customers in the drive-thru.

Cheers

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha. You are correct. This guy should become a human interest story and part of Southwest Ohio folklore, dammit.

As for wearing that outfit to work?...Sales would increase dramatically because people would need to drink heavily after seeing me in it. Cheers David!!

Desert Songbird said...

Did I just make you, very uncomfortable? Or, did I just make some of you very HOT!?


Actually, you just made me quite nauseated.

Matt-Man said...

Songbird: Jealousy will get you nowhere!! Cheers!!

Bond said...

Guy was obviously arrested for not having fashion sense.

As far as your picture...dude that smile is freakin creepy

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Ha. Thanks for noticing the creepy smile. Itsa "Joker" smile. Cheers Vinny!!

Lu' said...

That picture is sure to make it into the gossip rags when you become the uberpondit.

snugs said...

Come on Matt, belly up to the bar put your big boy britches on and give us the lower half shot! Consider it s triple dog dare..

Dice Mardell said...

why would you ever want to wear something like that when it's perfectly LEGAL for you to walk around with NOTHING on above the waist. Yes, that makes me very uncomfortable (for obvious reasons)ha Ha HA.

Desert Songbird said...

Did I mention that it made me giggly as well?

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Make it? I'll make sure that that picture is my stock photo. Cheers Pal!!

Snugs: As I have nothing on below the waist in that picture, it's reserved for Schmoop. I can't risk puttting my important wares on the net for amateurs who can neither apprecite nor handle them. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Dice: I wouldn't turn you for going topless, but I would take pictures. Cheers Dice!!

Songbird: Oh sure...now you say that. Cheers!!

MysteryChick said...

The only thing about that dud that makes me uncomfortable is that he fills out the top of his bathing suit better than I ever could.

The people of Sugarcreek
Township should never come to Cambridge. Last week I saw a tranny wearing a corset and short skirt with fox tails and with every step he took, his skirt flipped up in back revealing the fact that he was commando!

Matt-Man said...

Mystery: Ha. Don't be bitter about his figure. And yeah, the people of Sug. Twp. have evidently been sheltered for far too long. Cheers Chick!!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Is this what justice has fallen to? Why not let the dude express his anima?

Matt-Man said...

Nick: Damn Straight Nick. I guess this was a "priority" for the cops. Of course I don't blame them. They were just following up on complaints. Cheers!!

katherine. said...

both you and that Miller fella could run for public office in those outfits out here...

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Ha. No one would think of that being out of the norm for a politician, would they. Cheers Kat!!

Dana said...

That's it! I'm calling the police! You make me extremely uncomfortable most days!

This really is goofy, and yet another example of how people would rather act passive-aggressive than actually stand up to the guy and tell him to knock it off.

Ummm ... Matt? KNOCK.IT.OFF!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: I cannot contain my feminine side. But you're right, people need to just get more acustomed to telling nut jobs to go fuck themselves, and not waste the time of law enforcement. Cheers!!

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Anonymous said...

Right on brother! Let your freak flag fly! Cant tell you how many calls i got when that video came out! "Kevin Miller from Champaign Illinois"

Anonymous said...

What a great article. I wear swimsuits all the time and I think that this guy has been completely taken the wrong way. Thanks for providing a note of sanity on this entire issue. I was expecting an article slagging him off but really was impressed with your take on it. Seriously well done :)