It was my ol’ buddy George W. Bush. I know what you’re thinking, folks.
“Big deal, Matt-Man. Dubya has called you before and you guys have partied together a couple of times.”
Well hold on there, mi amigos. The interesting thing about this phone call was…
It was a three-way call between me, Dubya, and….hold on to your jockey shorts and/or diaphragms guys and/or dolls…Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin.
Damn straight, Bitches.
Seems that Dubya wants me to use my incredible people skills to help Palin improve her image with people who vote for a Presidential candidate based on criteria other than, the return of Jeebus, the suppleness of a candidate’s tits, or whether or not a candidate knows a plumber named, Joe.
The call went like this…
Dubya: Yo, Matt-Man!? How the hell are ya, mi amigo? Long time, no talkie, you funny bastard, you. I need yer help.
Me: Anything Dubya. What is it? Need a penicillin shot?
Dubya: Ha. Noooo. I haven’t had sex outside of marriage since last Election night. Condi gave me a blow job as we watched Johnny Mac git his ass kicked by President Bojangles.
Me: Well what is it, Dub?
Dubya: Hold on, Matt-Man. (click click) Sarah? Sarah!? Yo, Eski-Ho, is ya there!?
Palin: Oh…oh, sorry. I’m here, Mr. President.
Dubya: Hayzoos Christ, Igloo Girl…Pay attention. Matt-Man, I want you’se to help Gov. Palin improve her electrability with thinking voters. You know…the voters who dint vote fer me.
Me: Gee Dubya…I don’t know if I---
Palin: Oh Pleeeeease, Matt-Man. You could be so like my Joe the Helper. Joe the Fix the Governor. Joe the--
Dubya: Holy Shit…Can it, Carrot Top!! Sorry ’bout that Matt-Man. One thing that doesn’t quit on her, is her mouth. If I dint think I could get some off of Nan-Nookie of the North for this, I wouldn’t even ask ya to help. Any advice?
Me: Well she could start by reading…Brzezinski and Scowcroft’s book, America and the World, perhaps.
Dubya: Ha…Did ya hear that, Palin? You’re going to learn about American foreign policy from a Goddamn polock.
Palin: Brent Scowcroft is a polock?
Dubya: Hayzoos, Mary, and Joseph, Sarah…Do you got mad cow disease? Hell, I should have had you’se as my VP. I would have come across as that Alan Einstein fella. Hey Matt-Man? Do you think she should color her hair, git a boob job, maybe have her saddle bags lifted?
Me: Well…Maybe she could study the consti-
Dubya: Yeah, I think she needs some cosmictology too. Yer goddamn brillyenck Matt-Man. You should impark your oysters of wisdoms more often. Don’t you think so, Sarah?
Palin: You betcha, Dubya!!
Dubya: Okay muchacho…I think we’re done here for now. I thank ya fer yer advise Matt-Man. I’ll ring yer ass up again soon.
Me: Anytime, Dubya.
Dubya: Damn Right. Say goodbye to Matt-Man, Sarah.
Palin: Before I say goodbye to Joe the Matt-Man, I’d like to say that during this time of attack on me by the mainstream media, domestic terrorists, and David Let---
Dubya and Me: (click)
And there you have it…Another interesting night at the Bagwine digs.
Cheers!!
“Big deal, Matt-Man. Dubya has called you before and you guys have partied together a couple of times.”
Well hold on there, mi amigos. The interesting thing about this phone call was…
It was a three-way call between me, Dubya, and….hold on to your jockey shorts and/or diaphragms guys and/or dolls…Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin.
Damn straight, Bitches.
Seems that Dubya wants me to use my incredible people skills to help Palin improve her image with people who vote for a Presidential candidate based on criteria other than, the return of Jeebus, the suppleness of a candidate’s tits, or whether or not a candidate knows a plumber named, Joe.
The call went like this…
Dubya: Yo, Matt-Man!? How the hell are ya, mi amigo? Long time, no talkie, you funny bastard, you. I need yer help.Me: Anything Dubya. What is it? Need a penicillin shot?
Dubya: Ha. Noooo. I haven’t had sex outside of marriage since last Election night. Condi gave me a blow job as we watched Johnny Mac git his ass kicked by President Bojangles.
Me: Well what is it, Dub?
Dubya: Hold on, Matt-Man. (click click) Sarah? Sarah!? Yo, Eski-Ho, is ya there!?
Palin: Oh…oh, sorry. I’m here, Mr. President.
Dubya: Hayzoos Christ, Igloo Girl…Pay attention. Matt-Man, I want you’se to help Gov. Palin improve her electrability with thinking voters. You know…the voters who dint vote fer me.
Me: Gee Dubya…I don’t know if I---
Palin: Oh Pleeeeease, Matt-Man. You could be so like my Joe the Helper. Joe the Fix the Governor. Joe the--
Dubya: Holy Shit…Can it, Carrot Top!! Sorry ’bout that Matt-Man. One thing that doesn’t quit on her, is her mouth. If I dint think I could get some off of Nan-Nookie of the North for this, I wouldn’t even ask ya to help. Any advice?
Me: Well she could start by reading…Brzezinski and Scowcroft’s book, America and the World, perhaps.
Dubya: Ha…Did ya hear that, Palin? You’re going to learn about American foreign policy from a Goddamn polock.
Palin: Brent Scowcroft is a polock?
Dubya: Hayzoos, Mary, and Joseph, Sarah…Do you got mad cow disease? Hell, I should have had you’se as my VP. I would have come across as that Alan Einstein fella. Hey Matt-Man? Do you think she should color her hair, git a boob job, maybe have her saddle bags lifted?
Me: Well…Maybe she could study the consti-Dubya: Yeah, I think she needs some cosmictology too. Yer goddamn brillyenck Matt-Man. You should impark your oysters of wisdoms more often. Don’t you think so, Sarah?
Palin: You betcha, Dubya!!
Dubya: Okay muchacho…I think we’re done here for now. I thank ya fer yer advise Matt-Man. I’ll ring yer ass up again soon.
Me: Anytime, Dubya.
Dubya: Damn Right. Say goodbye to Matt-Man, Sarah.
Palin: Before I say goodbye to Joe the Matt-Man, I’d like to say that during this time of attack on me by the mainstream media, domestic terrorists, and David Let---
Dubya and Me: (click)
And there you have it…Another interesting night at the Bagwine digs.
Cheers!!
12 comments:
You mean you don't have Caller ID?
Songbird: Of course I do...That's why I took the call. Dubya is a fucking hoot. Cheers!!
Candice: Upon reading your comment, I think it moved. Your words are powerful. Cheers!!
Totally believable conversation until you got to the part where Dubya knew that America and the World was about foreign policy. He's never picked up a book in his life except the one he was stumbling through for the kindergarten students during 9/11.
Great post. Electrability, HA! That is so something he would say.
Michele: Hey now...He reads the Bible...Okay, he talks directly to God so, nevermind. And yeah, I can hear him saying that too. Hee Hee. Cheers Michele!!
..."Joe the Matt-Man" Bwahahahahahahahaah!!!!!!!!!...
Phfrankie: Do we share the same juvinile sense of humor? Cuz that stupid phrase cracked me up for some reason as well. Cheers P-Man!!
improve her electrability
great post!
I LOL'd at "Joe the Matt-Man" too. Funny stuff my friend!
Good straight forward advice there dude. I know you can afford to give Sarah good advice cause there's no real risk of her listening to it. hahaa ;-)
Micky: Now how did I know that you would enjoy this post? Cheers Mick!!
Jay: Ha. Maybe you, P-Man, and I should start a club. Ha. She wouldn't listen to it, would she? She's such a diva. Cheers Funny Man!!
I agree, you should slide your arm up her a** and work the controls and maybe she will finally say one sentence that makes sense.
Bond: She'd still, somehow, manage to mismangle the words. Cheers Vinny!!
Cosmetology won't help though. Obama's better looking.
Didn't W. use the word constitution when he was talking about judges? He was all worried about the judges interpreting it, but he didn't seem to mind interpreting it himself a little while he was in office.
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