With Friends Like These...

I have two “friends” that make fun of me all the time. They say they aren’t, that it’s all fun, that they love me, and all that disingenuous, craptastic bullshit.

I mean, with friends like these, you don’t need enemies.

Everyone knows them. They’re famous. One lives with me, and one lives in this box they call a computer.

That’s right, my two “friends” are Matt-Man, and Jayman from the I’m With Stupid radio show, and blog.

I should be used to being abused like this. I’ve never been what you’d call bright. I got picked on a lot. Especially when I got boobs in the 4th grade. By boobs, I don’t mean that I needed a training bra. I was 10 and needed a BRA.

Hell, my oldest brother would always tell me growing up that I was adopted. He sometimes still does. Or better yet, tells me I’m the milk man’s daughter.  My own sainted Mother would sometimes play along with it too. Or was she playing?

My brother David used to have neighborhood kids pay a quarter when I was a baby because I was a large baby, and my arms, and legs looked like twisted circus balloons. No joke.

Where the hell were my parents?

Who am I kidding. Dad was at work or at the bar, and since I was the sixth kid, Mom didn’t give two hoots. Joke people, I was her favorite, but obviously not at this time!

Sorry, I got off on a tangent....A tangent of pain. Where was I?

Oh yeah, my so called friends.

I don’t have many friends, so I just assumed the ones I did have liked me for me, quirkiness and all. I guess I was mistaken, and I am once again a small child reliving all the taunts, and being a pox on society.

I really don’t understand. I think they are the funniest, most talented, good looking guys out there in blog/radio land.

Ah well, back to hiding in the shadows of my severe mediocrity. Sigh.

Laugh clown, laugh.

Just kidding! These guys are assholes!

PS: I was totally not kidding about the family/childhood thing.

Zoooooves!!

An Open Letter To My Uterus

Dear Syd,

I have a favor to ask of you. Oh, I know we’ve never gotten along in the past, but can’t we let bygones, be bygones?

The thing is, Matt-Man and I have these fucked up work schedules, and we never get to see each other except for Friday and Saturday nights.

Also, as you know, I have a sleeping issue.

Oh sure, we have a good time drinking and catching up with each other’s week, and shit like that. However…

Naked Twister needs to be played up here in the crib…if you know what I mean.

Also, I’d really not like to feel like a major failure for once, as you come at really inconvenient times.

Today is the beginning of the weekend, and you are due any motherfucking minute.

I beg of you, please hold out until Sunday?

I will be eternally grateful. I’ll even stop calling you names, and threatening to cut you out my own damn self with a rusty coat hanger.

Please?

Who am I kidding; you don’t care.

You’re not even listening, but I thought I’d give it a shot. You’ll do what you want; you always do. You suck! Kidding, kidding. Hee Hee?

But, I do need to do the horizontal mambo with my man, so just wait it out, or Ima cut a bitch.

Yours in Christ,

Beth

Zoooooves!!

Time Warner Cable: Matt E. Coyote Chokes the Roadrunner

Hey!!

Hot enough for ya? Sorry Matt-Man, couldn’t resist.

I don’t know what the temperatures are where you live, but it’s hotter than Kelsey’s nuts in Bagwine. That is fucking hot, people!!
 
It’s pretty bad when going out for a five minute smoke at work causes me to sweat. I am not one to sweat usually; I’m mainly cold. This week though…

I’ve been going from air conditioner to air conditioner.

Anyhoo…

Thanks for joining me here on Bagwine Ruminations today. Just wanted to mention the suffocating heat where I am, because as we all know, it’s all about me.

Ha. I’m kidding. I kid because I love, and…this post is brought to you by random musings.

My cat, for now…for some odd reason gets on the top of the fridge and the very top kitchen cabinet. She hasn’t done this in years.

We figured it was her age, and um, shhhhh in case she is reading this…her girth that was keeping her from her fave perch. 

So now, when she is perched there, every time I leave the kitchen, she bitch slaps me on the back of the head. Bitch.

Lessee…

I made a most splendid macaroni and cheese the other night. It was NOT a box thing, I made it myself. Matt said it was awesome, but I think he just wants to get laid. He also says I’m pretty. 

Hmmm…I’m sensing a trend here.

I really need to start writing about important shit. You know…politics, the media, the financial crisis…

Who the Hell am I kidding? I am the drivel queen!!

Sorry this all over the place, but I am typing this at work and I need to keep stopping to find things. I don’t even know what I have written. I won’t know until this posts on Friday. I have an editor, y’know.

Oh shit, listen up!! Define irony…

Matt-Man stages a one man campaign against Time Warner, and what did I do yesterday? I paid the cable bill, however…

Less than 48 hours after he threatened to publicly humiliate them on Bagwine, I’m With Stupid, the I’m With Stupid radio show, and hold a rally outside their office in Bagwine, Ohio…

Those bastards caved, and we will be getting our non-dropping internet cable upgrade on the 27^th, or as I pray, we better be, ’cause Matt-Man will get uber-ugly wif em if it doesn‘t happen, and I saw him when he worked for SEIU, his ugliness is not a good thing.

Who loves themselves?

Zoooooves!!

Tuesday Morning Re-Cap

I’m back!! I know you are all glad, since we as we all know...Matt Man sucks!

We had a great time at the 3^rd/4^th of July celebration, held at the palatial estate of my favorite people evah!

Thanks to the Martster, and the MB for a great time.

One issue…Please!! For the love of God, could you make your yard level? So many hills, steps, and then…more hills!!

I couldn’t walk down or up if I was sober!

Fortunately, I had a sixty something man help me down the most beautiful slate steps you have ever seen. Luckily, he was half popped also, and related to the Matt Man…somehow.

To be truthful, they have the most beautiful place in the world. I asked MB, “If I move into your finally finished basement, would you even know?” 

She said, "Go ahead, and no, I wouldn't notice." 

That is how big it is, and how awesome they are.

I also want to give a shout out to a great person that was at this party.

I will not mention him by name, because he asked me not to, but he is one of the funniest men I have ever met. I am putting his wife in for a sainthood. Also…their kids are adorable.

Matt Man, was accosted by the ladies, of course.  Well…the ones who were 60 years old or older. Jesus, they flock to this man I tell you.

They all looked at me like I was The Lord of the Underworld, thinking to themselves: “How dare you be here with him!?” 

I guess I shouldn’t go to parties looking like my hot ass self.

I was off work Monday, and I shall be off all next week. I have taken into consideration all of your ideas for that week.

I have decided to have a major amount of sex, sleep, and occasionally going outside. You know for that whole fresh air thing. No fears though, that won’t last long. I hate fresh air.

I’d like to go off task for a moment, and mention to Matt Man’s stalker...

Stop it. He’s mine, and I screw him on a regular basis...Just sayin.

Anyhoo, I had a great weekend, and I hope you all did too.

Zoooooves!!

P.S. Do me a favor and listen to Jay and Matt Man’s Independence Day I’m With Stupid radio show from Monday. It was actually pretty damn funny, and well, they need the ratings.

Throw those two poor fuckers a bone. You can play it off my right sidebar on the Blog Talk Radio archive machine. 

Hell, just play it and mute the sound if ya want, so they get a hit registered. Those two assclowns are such ratings whores, but I wuv them. 

Independence Day

So…

It’s Friday once again my pretties, and the only people in the office are myself, and…my boss.

I’m just going to let that sink in for a moment.

Have you processed that little bit of information yet? Good…and thank you for your pity.

Much like the rest of this great country, it’s officially the holiday weekend here in Bagwine, and the beer will be flowing…so will the Chinese fireworks set off by my obnoxious neighbors at precisely 12 AM…2 AM…and 3 AM.

Why 3 AM instead of 4 AM, you ask, or you might not, whatevs…

It’s because Jim Bob and Durwood have finally realized that they are trashed, and need to finish up before they are discovered by the Po Po.

Oy!! This town of Bagwine, Ohio…let me tell ya.

A headline in our award winning newspaper yesterday reads:

“Ohio Patrol Warns Against Holiday Drunk Driving”

I figure…Hell, if it’s just a warning..?

I guess this has turned out to be a hodgepodge of utter bullshit, so…

I would like to take this time to direct you to the shiny new blog written by Jayman and Matt-Man: I’m With Stupid

Two great minds. One great blog. Lord help us all.

One funny thing about those two, though. They think that they can get more comments, and more hits than me.

Silly Boys.

Oh and don't forget...

I'm With Stupid airs Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT. 

Matt-Man may be flying solo on this episode, or if Time Warner craps out on us again, he may be flying no-lo.  Ha!!

Anyhoo..you can catch the show via their IWS Radio page HERE.

Have a wonderful 4^th of July Weekend, all…

Zoooooves!!

Michele Bachmann 2012...As If I Need More Noise In My Life

I woke up in the middle of the night Sunday/Monday with a sore throat, aches, chills, sweats, and a screaming headache. (Ed. Note: Suck it Up, Ya Big Puss.)

In fact, I felt nothing like hot, sexy, and naked Mila Kunis.

You know what that meant, right? No school for me! I mean, work.

I kinda missed it. For some odd reason I need that routine.  That schedule. 

Also, it’s summer so the windows were open (air is broken, fan is iffy), and the kids were screaming.

And just like the uber-hawt Jayman can attest to, the fucking lawn people were uh lawning, or something on Monday.

See, when I was only working three days a week in the year of our Lord 2009, I got used to the noise. Now…I want all noise and noise producers thereof, dead.

Our place has mostly dirt, and some grass. How many times do you have to go over that shit? Geez.

I don’t have a lot today, as I feel like ass. I find medicating in the late afternoon with beer is not all it’s cracked up to be, but yet I persisted.

The cat was whining because she had the “hots” because the AC wasn’trunning, and the kids wanted to “play” under my window, and under my window only.

I would however, like to give a shout out to Michelle Bachman.

Evidently, she announced on Monday morning that she will be running for the big office in 2012. 

Well bless her little pea picking heart! I love her. She is so pretty, and nice…and she’s from Iowa!

She’s a shoo in. Whatevs…

Sorry Matt Man, and Jayman…

I know the love you two ass clowns have for this cuckoo, but the chick is a nut...a whack job…a fruit loop…Ha! 

I sort of just mentioned kids cereals! I can’t wait to see how this is going to play out!

Bring back Bill! Bring back Bill!

That unfortunately is not going to happen, but he always has Hillary. Ewww.

Anyhoo my pretties, I have to go do, um…something. Mucho Appreciado, and..!

Don’t forget to go visit Jay and Matt-Man’s new I’m With Stupid site. Those dudes are way cooler than me…

Even though they dig Michele Bach-Maniac.

Zoooooves!!

I Dig Blogging Chicks And Two of the Funniest, Yet Gayest Heterosexuals in the World

Hello folks, and Happy Monday!

Oh who the fuck am I kidding. Mondays blow for everyone…regardless.

So what is on your agenda this fine day? Yeah, me too.

Hey, I forgot to mention something. Matt-Man. Are you ready for this? Has a new stalker! Hee!

That’s all I’m going to say about that. Hee!!

So if you’re like me, you are stuck in an office with bugs, crumbling, crippling front steps, bats, (yes I said bats) and asbestos flowing like rain.

Oh, you’re not like me? Well then my friends you have NO idea what you are missing! 

One good thing, my work cohort brings me the GRANDE cappuccino at least two times a week. Oh how I love the Speedway.

I’d like to give a shout out if I may, to several people. If I may. Bitches…please.

I’ve never done this, but since it is my blog, I’ve decided to acknowledge the talent, and funny shit of other blogs that I read all the time, but they do not know, because I never comment.

I only have something to say on my own blog, and of course on, I'm With Stupid. 

So on Mondays, I am and shall list three blogs that I read, and love. Check them out. Seriously, check them out, or I’ll cut ya.

Dooce is a given, morons. The bitch has a trademark for God’s sake! I love her, some do not. Jealous much? Yep.

Anyhoo, here is this week’s:

Trinity of Internets Talent…

Bye Bye Pie (June Gardens)

Mommy Wants Vodka (Aunt Becky)

I'm With Stupid
(I was forced…by Jay no less)

Next week, there will be three more. This is a public service announcement.

Kisses my Pretties, and until tomorrow, when the saga continues…

Zoooooves!!

P.S. Listen to my boys Jay and Matt-Man on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio Monday at 11:00 AM EDT. 

They will be talking about New York’s gay marriage bill, and I’m sure they will mention Michele Bachmann a time or two. God only knows why…

You can check out their radio page HERE, and their new companion IWS website by clicking HERE.

I'm Suffering From Mental Mesothelioma

Look at my Bagwine header!! Isn’t it great? I think so. It’s so cool seeing my face up there and you know what it says to me? It says…

“I have to do this every day now!!”

OMFG!!

So, I am sitting here in my luxurious office, breathing asbestos, and reading blogs performing my duties with the utmost skill and care, as I dream of becoming famous with this blog.

However, I have a problem…

I can’t be a Mommy Blogger, ‘cause I gots no kids…unless of course, you count my cat Corky, my boss Bill, and the pain in my ass, Matt-Man.

I can’t be a Daddy Blogger ‘cause I gots no penis…and once again of course, as stated above, no kids.

Well, I may have my adopted Chinese boy-son Petey soon, but I have yet to find him. Oh I know!!

I could be a food blogger. I love food!! Wait…I don’t cook. How many posts could I write that involve my love for Totinos Frozen Pizzas?

I know…

I’ll just be the sweet, lovable, sarcastic bitch that I am. If I do that, surely I’ll be rolling in the dough in no time, dontcha think? Hello?

Is this thing on?

Just know my pretties…

I may be rude, crude, and socially unacceptable, but...

I will always respect the history and lineage of Bagwine Ruminations, and will do my best to live up to the high office that Matt-Man has bestowed upon me, as its caretaker.

So, give me my fucking Bagwine tiara; I am making this blog my bitch!! I mean…

As soon as I get done coughing up this day’s worth of asbestos.

And remember to go visit my boys Jay and Matt-Man over at their new digs on, I'm With Stupid at:

www.iwsradio.blogspot.com

Zoooooves!!

Between Heaven and Hell, Lies Dirty Laundry

So I guess the reins of this here Bagwine blog are now truly mine.  So, tell Mahone to get HIS tired, stale shit off of MY sidebar....Jeez.

Hmm…

Well, how was that for a post? No? But I’m cute, doesn’t that count for anything?

God, all y’all suck. Okay, let’s try this…

Saturday is laundry day around these parts, and I always take the laundry up to my brother Dave’s house to do it.

This past Saturday, I was doing just that, and as typical, after the first top is popped, a philosophical discussion ensued.

Dave and I were talking about dying and well hopefully, going to heaven. D (as I call him) pipes up and asks…

“So what if you end up in heaven after you die and all the people you have ever hated in life were there? Do you have to live with that shit all over again?”

That is some heavy stuff right there, people. Or not…He continued…

“Do you just sit around up in heaven, or is there stuff to do? Are there neighborhoods up there?”

All very valid questions, so how do I respond? By giggling and grabbing another beer, however; D wanted answers and he persisted so I finally responded…

“D, who the fuck cares? God is not going to let us in anyway.”

D replied with an inquiry…

“Where do you think Dad is?”

I reply…“Ummm, you damn well know where Dad is dumbass, and yeah…HIM we’ll see.”

And there you have it, another Saturday morning existential journey for truth completed.

I know that I said last Friday that funny would return this week, but c’mon, I didn’t say on which day this week.

Anyway…It’s my blog now, so I can do anything I want with it, boo yah!! 

If I want to suck, I will suck. Wait…that didn’t come out right. Ha!! Neither did that!!

Oh well…

I guess, I use this blog to crack my own damn self up, and you all can worry ‘bout yourselves. But truly? I love all of you pretty people.

Make sure you wander over to the new I’m With Stupid blog that Jay and Matt-Man have launched. 

You can listen to their show, see hot pics of babes, and have some laughs because they are some witty motherfuckers.

The website address is:

www.iwsradio.blogspot.com 

See ya tomorrow my pretties…

Zoooooves!!

Confessions of a Neophyte Blogger

Hi Gang.

I have a confession…

I’m no writer.

I keep trying to tell Matt-Man this, but he won’t listen. He wants me to continue this blog while he works on another project.

Me…By Myself.

Personally, I think the mofo is out of his mind.

See, the thing is…Matt is very, very smart. 

Don’t get me wrong; I’m smart as well, but that cat is the epitome of smart. He knows and retains things most of us will never know, or care to know.

Matt and his partner in internet radio crime, Jayman, are very similar in this way, although…

Jayman may be smarter, because he didn’t turn his blog over to me.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I don’t think I am worthy of this responsibility. Some of you may think...

“It’s just a blog…What’s the big deal?”

Well, it’s not just a blog. 

Over 1,900 posts and five plus years, Matt-Man has not only poured out a lot of laughs on here, he has poured out his heart and soul as well.

I know this may sound very lame and dramatic to many of you. I understand, and I am not throwing a pity party, but this truly does concern me.

I’d hate to see Matt-Man’s hard work go down the tubes of the internets because of me.

Sorry for the maudlin mood, but I needed to get that out there. I’ll keep plugging away, but this is way harder than I thought.

Thanks go out to Matt for having the confidence in me that I lack in myself…or something like that.

See all you pretty people tomorrow…

Zoooooves!!

P.S.  Eleven days until Matty Boy's big announcement!!

D-Day...Schmoop Storms The Britches At Nor-Matt-Dy!!

June 6, 2000 D-Day… 

MY D-Day!!

It was a hot, sweltering day. To add insult to injury, I was living on the west end of Bagwine. Oh, you’re not familiar with the west end of Bagwine you say? Trust me…

It’s a cesspool.

Anyhoo…

That particular day, my air conditioning was blowing cold, the beers were flowing (duh), and I, being the much younger, cuter, and more flexible version of my current self, had my intended target in my pubic crosshairs.

I put on my game face, and went for the kill.

What could I do, it was me against him? I had to arm myself.

So, I tossed out the deck full of drunk, sweaty people, and I went into the cool house with my intended victim.

As I left him on the couch, along with a menagerie of dogs and cats, I retired to my chambers, but only for a brief moment…

Then…the fight was on.

For the next six hours, the battle raged.

Then, just as the sun was coming up, and the morning beer coffee was consumed, I bid him, fair thee well.

Oh, he continued to contact me in his sick and twisted way, but I remained adamant about our parting.

I moved out of my kept house and three months later, he moved in with me into my newly, single girl apartment.

No more house, deck, or yard (thank God). To this day, this madman and I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment, and I could not be happier.

Now, nearly eleven years later…the older, wiser (ha!), and not so flexible combatant that is me, has come full circle.

Kids, don’t try this at home. It was a risky maneuver; some may say foolish, but…I WON!!

Happy Anniversary of the D-Day that we met, honey…in the Biblical sense.

Happy Monday and don’t forget to listen to Jay and Matt-Man Monday morning at 11 AM EDT on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio.

In addition to taking your calls at 661.244.9852 , they will be discussing Sarah “Paul Revere’s Ride” Palin, Mitt “Multiple Choice” Romney, and the TRUE facts about the invasion of France on D-Day 1944.

You can access their IWS Radio page HERE.

Also, if you get a chance…Make sure you listen to their Wedding Show that they did on Saturday. It was a fucking hoot!! You can listen to it right here:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

See ya all tomorrow, you pretty people, you.

Zooooooves!!

Schmoop Says: It's Wedding Season, So Be a Friend, and Hunt Down Anyone Thinking of Getting Married!!

Unless you (like many people in Bagwine) have been shit-faced since Memorial Day Weekend, you know that we are three days into the month of June. 

And besides schools letting out, D-Day (that’s another post), and Flag Day, what else does June bring with it?

That’s right, you pretty people. The 2011 Wedding Season!! Oh…Dear…God!!

Who in their right mind would want to get married? I think marriage is stupid with a capital “M”. What? Anyhoo. Here’s why…

Point #1: You have to pay for it. Weddings are ungodly costly both monetarily, and costly emotionally due to spending time with friends and family you don’t really like to begin with.

Point #2: If you love one another, why is a piece of paper important? That temptation of a binding legal agreement is like telling someone you love: “Go ahead, I dare you!!” 

Why would anyone scare and dare someone they love into submission?

Point #3: Joint Banking Accounts. Oh I don’t fucking think so…

Point #4: Even without the joint banking accounts, one or both will be paying for it the rest of their lives. I watch Mahone pay reparations every week. Half in money, Half in guilt. (Hey!! That was pretty good, Hee!!)

Y’know…

Far too often, married people seem to become one entity. Suddenly, one can’t do anything without the other. Things that were brushed aside and didn’t matter, suddenly seem to matter to the nth degree.

When single, or even living together, many couples seem to still be able to be individuals, with their own identities intact. 

Once that paper gets signed, filed, and laid upon the court records, minds get skewed and people get screwed.

And now, on a shinier note…

Jayman and Matt-Man will be doing another installment of I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT. And guess what they will be discussing, boys and girls? Uh-Huh…

Weddings and Marriage!!

I guess they are going to compare and contrast the benefits of being single, marrying, or merely shacking up.

I’m sure they will make fun of marriage in their own...

(Damn, my ass still looks fine--->)

juvenile, yet endearing way.

I hear that Jayman has secured a new marriage-related sponsor for the show, and Matt-Man will be talking about all the omens and portents that he missed, or more likely ignored, before being betrothed some 24 years ago.

All of that and your phone calls at 661.244.9852 on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio, this Saturday night at 6:30 PM EDT.

You can access the I’m With Stupid Radio page by clicking HERE.

Have an I DO free weekend, pretty people.

Zoooooooves!!

Hi All!! It's Me!! Schmoop!!

How you doin’? You’re all so pretty!

Ok, since I evidently am taking over this here blog while Matt Man works on bigger things; let me allow myself, to introduce…um...myself.

Some of you may not know the brains behind my “beauty.”

As I sit here pondering my greatness, I mean, watching, Jerry Springer…you should all know what the fuck you’re getting into here.

First of all, my name is not Schmoop, it’s Elizabeth…or Beth. My Mother, God rest her soul, decided to name her sixth and last child after a whore in the Bible, Love you Mommy!!

I have accounts with Blogger, Facebook, and Twitter, but rarely comment on any of them. I’m shy, what can I say?

While I love watching Maury, I do not have a baby daddy, or a baby. Unless you count my nearly twenty pound kitteh.

I am 45 years old, and damn proud of every scar, stretch mark, and wrinkle, but gravity…can suck my ass!

I have been gainfully employed for ten years by a man who regularly loses his keys, glasses, tea, and mind everyday.

Blonde/Auburn/Red/Black are not my original hair colors. I don’t know what the hell my original hair color is.

I met Matt Man, in the Biblical sense, almost eleven years ago. THAT is another post.

I love the show, Charmed, and like to think of myself as a witch on occasion, and also a raging bitch too.

I have a tiny apartment across from a major hospital that I share with the love of my life.

It is small, but after a breakup from an abusive relationship of fourteen years (also another post), I am very happy with where I am.

I mostly eat crap food, except when Matt Man cooks. I love veggies, but hate fruit.

I love, and I mean, LOOOOVE to swear. You looking at me? Fuck you! See? 

My sainted Mother always told me that my mouth would get me into trouble one day. Hmmm…ok, I’ll give her that one.

Ok, I think that’s enough for now. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I’m new at this blogging thing, so don’t be surprised if I tell you…more of your bizness whore!

Zoooooves!!

PS… I also seem to have a MAJOR addiction with Ice Breakers Peppermint Ice Cube gum. And yet, I usually hate everything peppermint.