Saturday, September 19, 2009

Rosh Hashanah: Happy Jewish New Year 2009...Or Is That 5770?

Mozel Tov, and Happy Rosh Hashanah to all of my Jewish friends.

Today marks the first day of the Jewish New Year which began at sunset last night and runs through sunset on Sunday the 20th.

In other words: “It’s Time to Party Like It’s 5770!!”

Yeah, the Jews just had to have their own nation to go along with their own calendar. Selfish Bastards…Or should that be, Sel-gefilte-fish Bastards!?

They are so damn non-conformist. It’s no wonder that no one likes them.

Anyhoo…

From now until Sunday evening, every Jew from here to Haifa will be celebrating and praying their Semitic asses off, and blowing on the god awful horn that is the shofar.

The Jews can’t use a trumpet like other folks; noooooo, they have to blare on their Heeb Horn, because it is tradition!!


Instead of blowing on your shofar, why not just spiel with my shvantz until I plotz, my Abrahamic friends!?

Perhaps in writing this commentary, I am actually displaying some deep jealousy of the Jewish people. After all, their New Year’s bash lasts three days this year.

In addition to their moaning and wailing, they’ll be eating and partying all weekend.

They’ll be feasting on apples dipped in honey, kugels, and fish heads…

Okay maybe I’m not all that jealous. But, I do dig that they’ll be tipping back more than a few bottles of Manischewitz.

Hmmmmm? No, that doesn’t even do it for me. I mean Manischewitz is Kosher Wine. That doesn’t even sound good.

Let’s see…Kosher Wine, or Bagwine? No, I’m sticking with the Wild Irish Rose.

Maybe I need to immerse myself into the Jewish culture. I don’t really hang around with any Jews. I grew up and went to school with a few.

In fact in High School, I schtupped a hot, Jewish babe. Her name was Sarah Hyman, and no, I’m not kidding. That was her name.

And let me tell ya, her name was quite appropriate because that chick had one zaftig lady-knish. Yum-Oh!!

I worked with a guy who has a fairly devout Jew when I was with SEIU. His name was Jason Perlman and he was our website guy. Man, he was a hoot.

He was probably 25 or so at the time and this solemn Jewish guy lived with two strippers. And these two pole dancin’ honeys were smokin' hot. I used to call him, Schlong Dong Silverstein.

He always joked that if he were to get a tattoo it would be a serial number on his arm. Ha. And you guys think I’M rude. He had some seriously funny Jew-a-Tude going on.

So there you have it…My wish for a very Happy Jewish New Year to all of the Jews that I will probably never meet.

I hope this year is one of health and happiness. I would wish you prosperity as well, but as we know, you don’t need help with that…Damn Moneychangers.

Lochheim!!

23 comments:

katherine. said...

The LORD said to Moses, "Say to the Israelites: 'On the first day of the seventh month you are to have a day of rest, a sacred assembly commemorated with trumpet blasts. Do no regular work, but present an offering made to the LORD by fire.' "


basically a jewish barbeque and the band has a brass section...

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Ha. Well said. Although I don't think their BBQ will involve ribs or pulled pork. Maybe I should have saved myself the time and just posted your summary. Cheers Kat!!

katherine. said...

and no cheese on the burgers!

Matt-Man said...

Kat: See? That's why there is no peace in the Middle East. If Jews would eat bacon and mix cheese and meat together, along with Muslims eating the beauty of the pig as well, they wouldn't be angry all of the time. Sheesh. Cheers Kat!!

Jay said...

Yeah, I could never do the Jewish thing. If I can't have a good BLT for lunch on special occasions, it just won't be any fun.

And I don't think I could even give up BBQ pork for Natalie Portman.

Oh who am I kidding, I'd turn my grandmother over to Dick Cheney's personal security forces for a few hours with Natalie Portman. ;-)

L'Shana Tovah Matt-Man

Scott Oglesby said...

Back in Pgh I used to do some work with um… those in the construction industry. I learned a little known fact: Hasidic Jews are the only people in the world (well at least New York) than can cut a raw diamond into sellable form. They are blessed indeed. They have tons of their own rackets. You think that what just went down in New Jersey was just a one time deal? Hell no, they got their own cosa nostra and it makes just as much, if not more money. They put the Italians to shame. I have nothing against any individual person whatsoever mind you, but don’t even get me started on the Israeli government. Some cruel low down shmasters.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Mmmmmmm. BLTeeeees. Ha. You want to break every Commandment with her dontcha? Thanks and Shalom to you Jay!!

Scott: Jews shaming Eye-Talians!? What is this world coming to? Don't even get me started on the Israeli government. Many in charge are just as big as thigs as those running the Palestinian Authority. On top of that Israel is a U.S. money pit. of course when I speak ill of the ISraeli government that of course makes me an Anti-Semite, ya know. Cheers Scott!!

Dianne said...

this Jew wants Isreal to get the fuck over itself and stop thinking it has a greater right to exist than any other state

the only thing worse than an oppressive government is one that mixes crazy ass religion into the power stew - oh wait, isn't that US

Oy!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: I knew that that is how you felt. I mean a Jewish state is fine, that's just duckie, but damn, as you said, get over yourselves and deal with the Palestinians with parity, after all for a long time it was their country. Better yet, rebuild the Temple and let's get this entire shit over with. Praise GAWD!!

Happy New Year to you and your family Di. Can I give you a schtickle of Matt-Man to celebrate? Cheers!!

Cheesy said...

WHAT??? No Cheese? I am banning Manischewitz....

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: They aren't allowed to mix meat and dairy products. I know, it troubles me as well. Cheers Cheesy!!

David said...

My Jewish friends are pretty much all Jewish-Lite so they don't get so intense about kosher food rules. Pretty much every year I have a dinner and serve Hannukah ham - and they gobble it up.

Lu' said...

Heeb horn, HA! Which leads me to ask, would they swallow? Anyhoodle have a great Saturday bud'

Starrlight said...

Ahh the tuxedo shirt. Holds a special place in my heart =)

No bacon is a deal breakers. Plus I am with Dianne on the whole Isreali government issue. They have a tude that makes the 40 and a mule peeps seem reasonable.

Dianne said...

A Matty schtickle for the New Year!! Yummy

Matt-Man said...

David: That's nice. I serously have no Jewish friends in my circle anymore. I mean, other than Dianne who I long to roam the wilderness with. It's kind of odd. Cheers David!!

Lu: Ha. I liked it too. Just got back from Ryno's. It's football time. Have a wunnerful weekend, Lu. Cheers!!

Starr: I find the tux shirt to this day to be so stupid, it's funny. And yeah, the Israeli gov't. needs to relax. Cheers Starr!!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Mmmmmmmmm. I think it just moved. Purrrr. Cheers Sexy!!

Odat said...

Boo!

Desert Rat said...

One of our nearest and dearest is Jewish - he's a great kvetcher - really enjoys getting on a good grumble. I like to give him a hard time around Yom Kippur - you know, "Watcha gonna atone for THIS year, Big Boy?!"

And you can have all the cheese you want! You just can't have it on your burger! (Which is cool with me, 'cause I don't eat burger.)

What I get a laugh-riot out of is all the Jew-bashing conducted by circumcised Christians - uh, Hello!?

Starrlight said...

Err...I fail to see why having a foreskin or not having a foreskin would render anyone incapable of thinking the Isreali government is fucked.

katherine. said...

it is possible that Ena is alluding that for many centuries...until the relatively recently only boys of jewish faith were circumcised.

Although my dear Rat....much of the "bashing" conducted is by circumcised males of many faiths...and those of no faith...and quite a few females as well. It is not limited to American Christian males.

Matt-Man said...

Odat: Heyyyyyyyy. Boo right back. Hope all is well Odat. Cheers!!

Rat: Yeah I know you can't mix, but damn, that's just not right. Yom Kippur is just around the corner, and boy...I need to atone. I wish I were Jewish. Cheers Cutie!!

Starr: I don't think that is what she was saying. At least, I don't think so. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Adn there you go...I believe you are correct Kat. Cheers!!